Calling Moscow - 3

The following conversation took place on September 18, 2021, after France recalled its ambassadors to the USA and Australia.

“Hello, Vlad?”

“Yes, Donnie.”

“Have you heard what the Shrimp has done?”

“The who?”

“The French chief, what was his name?”

“Oh my God, Donnie, I already forgot your game of nicknames. Macron?”

“Yes.”

“You’ve been out of office for less than a year and already forgot his name?”

“No, I remember his name. It’s just that I don’t want to call him by his name because he is a traitor.”

“How is he a traitor?”

“Well, when I just started out as president, he pretended to be my good friend. Followed me everywhere, tugged my hand in a handshake whenever he could, dragged his elderly wife with him everywhere. And now he does not call, does not write, like I don’t exist anymore.”

“So what did he do? Why are you calling me?”

“Like you don’t know. You know everything.”

“Tell me anyway, I know you want to, Donnie.”

“He recalled his Ambassador to Sleepy Joe and Down Under.”

“Oh, that I knew.”

“Biden is a toast! Biden is a toast, Biden is a toast!” (chanting like a kid)

“I’m glad it makes you so happy, Donnie.”

“You, on the other hand, don’t seem to be happy about this, Vlad.”

“Why should I be?”

“Didn’t you want me to split NATO and Western alliance?”

“I did, Donnie, I did indeed.”

“Well, now Biden has done it. You should be happy.”

“Well, I’m not. Biden has become such an unpredictable leader I have trouble figuring out what he is up to. First Afghanistan and now this. He is even a bigger chaos agent now than you were, Donnie.”

“Sleepy Joe is a chaos agent? You must be joking. He is so boring and predictable.”

“Well, he came out of nowhere with this nuclear submarine deal with Australia, totally took me by surprise. Who would have thought he’d stab Macron in the back like that? France has been such a staunch supporter of the US…”

“When?”

“Since the beginning. If France didn’t help you in your Independence War, the US still would have been the British colony.”

“Really??? You don’t say! Who knew?”

“Everyone, Donnie, who studied history in high school.”

“Hmm, they obviously didn’t teach that in my high school, I would have remembered. Anyway, why are you not happy about this split? Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“Not exactly. At first I thought it would be good, but now Afghanistan is a mess and all these small-time Central Asian khans are pushing me to interfere and give them help.”

“Khans?”

“Yes, presidents of the Central Asian republics that used to be a part of the Soviet Union. We still have a collective security agreement. And they are scared of Taliban to death.”

“Ah, I see. I’m sure you’ll find a solution to that problem. You are so brilliant. But what’s so bad about the deal Sleepy Joe just made with Australia? How is it bad for you if it splits NATO?”

“It’s bad because it’s clearly aimed at containing China and Xi is now pushing me to come up with our own joint nuclear submarine deal.”

“And what’s so bad about that? China is big, has a lot of money and will be a good partner. Aren’t you already good friends with Xi?”

“Not exactly. You can never trust China.”

“Why?”

“Exactly because it’s so big, not only in the territory but in terms of people. As we Russians say, they can bury us under their hats.”

“Under their hats? I don’t get it.”

“China is a country of 1.4 billion people, Donnie. Russia – 145 million. There’s ten times more of them! If the Chinese throw their hats at us, we will get buried under them. That’s the joke.”

“I still don’t get it. Why would they want to do that?”

“Because China is bursting at its seams, Donnie, too many people on too little land. They are already taking over our Far East and we don’t know how to stop that ‘peaceful expansion.’ I have to be careful with China.”

“But if you partner up, that will make your alliance stronger.”

“I don’t need a partner in nuclear technology, Donnie. When Europe and the US stopped nuclear tech development after Chernobyl, Russia was still working on it and made many breakthroughs. We are number one in nuclear safety now. I don’t want to lose our competitive edge by partnering up with anyone.”

“I see. That’s smart, actually.”

“I know.” (Calling himself on another line). “Well, what do you know, Xi is calling me on the other line right now. I have to go, Donnie.”

“Wait, wait, Vlad. Can’t you just keep me on the line so that I could listen in? I promise I’ll be quiet. I just wanna hear what you tell him.”

“Can’t do that, Donnie, and you know it.”

“Well, never hurts to ask. Tell him I said hello.”

“I will, Donnie. Bye.” After hanging up, “Like I would ever let you listen in on any of my calls, idiot.”