Calling Moscow

The following conversation took place on July 15, 2021, after The Guardian published a story about The Kremlin’s leaked document on Putin’s strategy to elect Trump in 2016.

"Hello, Vlad?"

"Yes, Donnie."

"What is it I hear about you calling me mentally unstable, an unbalanced individual with the complex of inferiority?"

"Huh?"

"The Guardian published a story with allegedly leaked Russian top-secret documents. They say you called me all those words."

"Since when do you read radical left newspapers, Donnie?"

"I don't read. Melania brought the story and read it to me."

"I see. How is she doing, by the way? I heard she doesn't want to live in Florida."

"She is fine, Vlad. But did you really call me all those words?"

Putin, to the side, "He is surprisingly focused today, when it comes to him personally."

To Donnie, "Of course not. Those documents are fake."

"The Guardian story says they are authentic."

"Since when do you believe the radical left newspapers, Donnie? They will say anything to make me and you look bad."

"There's no reason for me not to believe the Guardian. They are not the dying and lying New York Times. British newspapers are better."

"Really? I never knew that."

"Vlad, please tell me you didn't say all those bad things about me. It's important for me because I trusted you as a friend. And you said I was talented."

"Of course I didn't, Donnie."

"Then how did they end up in the report?"

"It's a psychological profile compiled by my intelligence agencies, Donnie. Doesn't mean I said that or that I think that."

"But why would they say that, Vlad? They don't know me at all."

"They hacked into that software that your intelligence agencies are using, called Profiler+. It analyzes public figures' speeches and behavior and comes up with the psychological profiles. So you can't blame us for it, it's your intelligence agencies' baby."

"I knew it! The CIA guys always hated me, and some in the FBI too. But do you yourself think I'm mentally unstable, Vlad?"

"Of course not, Donnie."

"Or that I have an inferiority complex?"

"Pfffft, no. If anything, you have a superiority complex. Didn't your evangelical friends say you were the One, God-chosen?"

"They did indeed, Vlad," (smiling happily) "So you personally don't think all those things about me?"

"Of course not. How can I think that about my friend, Donnie?"

"So we are still friends, Vlad?"

"Of course."

"Phew. This is such a relief. I thought we fell out or you were mad at me or something."

"What makes you think so, Donnie?"

"Well, you don't call any more, don't send messages or letters."

"You know I don't do the Internet stuff, Donnie. And the mail has been delayed by the pandemic... Besides, you can always call me or write to me, you know. As you Americans say, it's a two-way road."

"I don't know if I can, Vlad. You are so busy and I am retired now, so I don't know if you want to be bothered."

"Any time for you, Donnie, any time," (looking impatiently at his Philippe Patek watch).

"I'm so glad to hear that..." (hesitating)

"Is that all, Donnie? I'm kinda busy..."

"Vlad, the Guardian also said that you had some compromat on me, described in the attachment that wasn't leaked. Is that what I think it is?"

"If that is about your visit to Moscow then it probably is."

"Oh, that is so bad. I hope it doesn't get leaked, Vlad."

"Don't worry, Donnie, that attachment was destroyed. Only I have a copy."

"How can you be so sure?"

"I can, Donnie. I know everything my intelligence agencies are doing."

"Wait a minute, does that mean you leaked this story to the Guardian, Vlad?"

"Of course not. It's some traitor, I'm looking for him now."

"And what will you do to him once you find him, Vlad?" (unhealthily curious).

"I have many options, Donnie, as you know."

"Would you tell me, Vlad? I really want to know what you do to traitors."

"You may even read about it in the British newspapers you trust so much, Donnie. I really have to go now, have a meetings with a bunch if heads of states." (Feigns exhaustion).

“Isn’t it night in Moscow now, Vlad?”

Putin, to the side, “Look who’s finally figured out the time difference!” to Trump, “So?”

“Who’s meeting with heads of states at night?”

“It’s a Zoom call, Donnie. We are still living in the pandemic, you know.”

“Oh, oh,” (excited) “can I get in on it? I wanna see how many of them really miss me.”

“It’s an official call, Donnie, so I don’t think so. Maybe another time, when it’s informal.”

"All right, Vlad.” (Slightly offended). “Good to talk to you."

"And you too. Bye."

"Bye, Vlad. Please call me some time."

"I will, Donnie, I will. Bye for now." After hanging up, "As stupid and mentally unstable as ever, such a buffoon. I need to find a way to leak that attachment. Or maybe not just yet, let him sweat a little..."