but i'm singing like a bird about it now [ch: five]

Cas is happy, akin to overjoyed. He’s in the passenger seat of Baby, their car with his beloved as the driver. Jack and Sam had decided to try (and succeed) in teleporting back to the bunker to test Jack’s new abilities. Amara seems to have given them some sort of boost, and in turn Jack restored Cas’ grace to its original state, keeping the crack in his chassis of course. Cas wouldn't feel right without it. Though he may venture into new clothing since Dean seems to currently be listing all the things he wants the pair to do together and getting new “getups” is on the list. At some point, he snaked his hand towards Cas’ neck in the car, to idly play with his hair. Cas took to that like a cat being pet under the chin. It felt...like sunshine. It made him feel safe even as a protector. It made him feel braver.

“We can kiss now.” He realizes he says this out loud and opens his eyes to peek at Dean. He doesn’t regret it when he feels Dean pull Baby over the side of the road with a smirk on his face. “I meant in general, and differently than humans usually do.” Dean was busy sliding his hand down to Cas’ neck and caressing all the way to his hips to seem bothered by the caveat. 

“What better time than the present—Wait, what? What do you mean different?” Dean’s face looks confused but his eyes are definitely aching to close with their last vision being Cas’ lips. Cas makes a show of licking his bottom teeth and flicking his tongue out of his mouth at the thought of kissing Dean and continues in his explanation. 

“Angels are capable of praying to humans too. In a way, we can communicate with our grace. If we decide to leave remnants of it somewhere or with...some...one.”  He turns to face Dean as he resumes. “If we were to join spirits, through orgasm, our correspondence could flow equally.”

“Is that like a consummating marriage or something? Let’s do it.” Dean asks, rubbing a thumb through Cas’ stubble. “It’s legal now and more folks are accepting of gay stuff, we’d fit in more,” Dean says with a smile.

Cas has to laugh. “Dean, the government of this country doesn’t know you continue to live and breathe. What I mean is grace...uhm, well, kissing’s purpose long before language was to communicate and bear witness to one’s soul. So if I leave my grace intentionally with you, you can store memories of a moment of...pleasure. And share it with...me.” 

Dean seems to think heavily on this for a beat, and then says, “Grace kisses? If you mean this can be our sex, I can remember a...moment? From earlier? And share it?”

It’s nice to feel Dean absentmindedly moving his thumbs along Cas’ hip. Even above the clothing it’s a nice feeling.

“Well, I would find it in your memories immediately upon our next...kiss...if you were thinking of me. It would be...nice...to know you...that you are thinking of me in those moments.”

Dean looks at him like he did that day at Bobby’s; a mix of wonder and wanting. Ah, there it is. Those feelings are back again. Cas wonders distantly if seeing that face on Dean will ever get old. As Dean licks his bottom lip and his eyes form a question, Cas thinks that would be an impossibility. 

Dean rationalizes that asking about rules with Cas is just Dean growing up. If Cas had met him at 26, this part may have been awkward, Dean might’ve bailed. But Cas has been with him through so much and is worth getting it right. If Dean has to ask every time he so much as looks at him, he’ll deal with it. But it doesn’t seem Cas is asking for all that. They’re in the car now and everything seems really easy, actually. Sex is a maybe, kissing is always a yes, looking is a full-steam ahead. So like any other relationship, basically. It’s not even something that really came with age to understand. Dean is fully on board. Especially knowing he gets an upgrade on kisses. 

“So explain this one more time for me, babe.” If Dean thought being able to call Cas any sweetnames whenever he wanted would come with 1) this much ease 2) this absence of pushback, he would have done it a hell of a lot sooner, it felt so damn good. Knowing Cas would respond. It was worth everything they’ve been through. And seeing Cas smile at it every time was worth even more. 

They’re pulling into the service road by the bunker when Cas explains:

“Well, it’s like accessing a file from a computer. You make the decision what to share with me and I receive it. It’s up to you as someone who is beloved.” Dean’s chest has never felt warmer. Well, not in a good way, anyway. 

“Damn, that’s intense. Haha, uhm, how about we just, uhh, lay around first.” Dean doesn’t want to say he wants to cuddle the angel so bad it’s making him feel stupid but that’s what he wants to do. “I want us to really settle; I meant what I said. I’m getting you out of this getup and into some sweatpants. Maybe a hoodie or something. Something comfortable.” 

“Comfortable,” Cas seems to contemplate the demand. 

“Yeah, man.” Dean supplies, “Cozy, chill, you know?” Cas seems to understand. But Dean feels the need to add, “I just want...for when I look at you. For it...for it not to look like you're going anywhere anytime soon.” 

Cas smiles and takes his hand. “That sentiment is considered romantic, you know.” Dean matches Cas’ smile before he kisses Cas’ knuckles to which Cas gasps softly. 

“Yeah, well, I guess I can muster some of that after all.” He chuckles, trying to ignore the blush on his face. 

Only made more apparent when Cas says, “You know, I have to say, I expected a lot more...hesitancy from you. More stoicism, even. But I like this, I like it even if it's an effort. That said, I don’t plan on ever leaving whatever space you let me occupy in your heart, Dean. Even if the remaining angels or Heaven or Jack need me, if you offer me the honor of being your beloved, I’ll never stop being that.” 

Dean looks at Cas in all his earnestness and realizes, there’s so much he’s never told the angel and everything is flooding his brain at once. 

“I’ll follow you anywhere until my bones are dust, Cas. Then I’ll wait for you in Heaven. I mean that. Don’t worry about going anywhere, I’ll follow you however I can.” He didn’t mean for it to come out as a whisper but he also didn’t realize he had started speaking. Cas looks like Dean had just given him the moon for personal view. And suddenly Cas is tangled around him in the most solid but soft hug he’s ever given Dean.

“That was beautiful, Dean. I believe you and I’m so thankful.” He’s crying, Dean gathers from how wet the crook of his necks starts to get. Dean just hugs him back, feels Cas sturdy and soft in all the best places. He finds it hard not to crawl right into his lap in Baby, but they’re a line of warmth for each other until his back starts to make itself known and then he’s tugging the bottom of Cas’ ear and whispering: 

“Alright, let’s move this show somewhere horizontal.” Cas chuckles and nods. They unload and are in the bunker at the snap of a finger. Ahh right, all the angel juice is back. Dean remembers. Cas is modest enough that he’s placed them in the map room with them facing the kitchen, Dean kind of wishes he just plopped them both on the bed. But he’s gotta practice asking anyway. 

“So, I figure, now that everyone’s back, according to Jack at least, that they’re probably all too shell-shocked to talk, y’know? So maybe we can hold off on doing a round of calls ‘til the morning?”

At the same time Sam rounds the corner and supplies, “You two were in the car for, like, an hour. I did the rounds already, everyone’s fine: Jody, Donna, and Bobby are all with Claire, Kaia, Alex, and Patience. Charlie and Stevie are both headed there after stopping by to check on a few other hunters they know. Feel free to just take a breather, man. You earned it.” Sam has an overly understanding look on his face as he looks between them and claps Dean on the shoulder. And heads towards the door, duffel bag in tow. 

“Well, where are you going?” Dean asks through the ordeal of being seen by his little brother. He wants to make sure Cas doesn’t feel like he’s ashamed or anything. He’ll deal with the over-exposure on his own two feet.

Sam easily jogs up the steps and says, “Eileen called and said she wants us to hotwire two cars and go shopping for the bunker to celebrate escaping death again. I figured you and Cas would want some alone time.”

Dean fights through the rose red blush on his face and says, “Sam, you delinquent. You’ve corrupted Eileen, man!”

Sam snorts, with a note of suspicion on his face but he’s a saint for ignoring how high Dean’s voice got towards the end. 

“I found her like that, man. See ya tomorrow!” 

Dean starts, “Tomo—” 

“We got a motel. Shut up!” Sam says as the bunker door slams shut. 

Dean can’t believe it. Cas is silent beside him but his finger finds the palm of Dean’s hand which makes Dean look at him. Right….permission.

“Hey, Cas?” Dean asks as he wraps his hand around his angel’s. 

“Yes, Dean?” Cas responds, rapt in his attention on the hunter. Confused when Dean pulls them towards the pillar behind him. They stand silently, Cas swaying towards Dean and towards Dean’s room in equal measure. 

Dean smiles, “I feel so lucky, I’m hoping my next question lucks out in my favor.” Cas’ eyes flutter towards Dean’s lips and up again to his eyes. 

“If you’re gonna ask to kiss me, you should already be kissing me. I told Jack to give us the night but to alert us if there’s anything urgent. So please just kiss me.” Dean is nothing if not a good man who does exactly what his angel requests.

Kissing Cas was kind of like riding a bike, but even though Dean’s never done that, he’s had the misfortune of seeing others do it. But now that he’s doing it, he feels like he should have always been doing it; at least a decade ago. Cas’ lips may look dry and chapped but that must be an optical illusion, they feel so soft and pillowy and plump when he moves against them. Cas is busy wrapping his arms around him like he’s precious gold; exploring with the softest of touches. The most curious of care. It’s making Dean anew somehow. He pulls back, gasping.

“Is that your grace, Cas?” he asks. Cas is looking only at his lips now, lids low and lips pouting. 

“Uhhhhh, no...it’s...uhm...arousal of an angel in love.” 

Dean’s eyes go wild like a deer in headlights.

“You do want me back? I thought you didn’t have that, or couldn’t or something.”

“I didn’t lie, I just didn’t know I wasn’t telling the truth at the time, that’s different. Please just kiss me.” Cas says as he pulls at the hair at the nape of Dean’s neck and tugs him in closer and closer and…

Holy shit, I’m getting kissed by an angel. Cas nibbles lightly on his bottom lip and Dean rolls his hips absentmindedly towards Cas and hears the angel’s moan and feels Cas still. Dean realizes he didn’t ask. 

“Sorry, Cas, canineedyourightnowplease?” Dean figures that oughta do it, context clues and all that. Cas’ response is visceral: he moves his hands to the small of Dean’s back and body rolls into him and overtakes his mouth again.

I’ll take that as a yes. Goddamn. Dean can’t help but moan into the kiss. He likes how he feels with Cas all over him like this. Dean feels taken care of; not too small but not a burden. Light but not fragile. It’s good. It’s great. He’s got permission to feel this great. Internally and quite obviously otherwise, and it’s fantastic. It’s getting hard to imagine doing this with anyone else the longer he’s doing it which makes him whine when Cas pulls back and looks at him with those low lids and a tint to his skin that makes Dean want to get his mouth on it. Everywhere. 

“You can need me tonight, and maybe I can show you about grace kisses after.” 

Dean’s eyebrows raise.

“You make it sound like it’s a whole thing, man.” Cas is busying himself in the crook of Dean’s neck, oh, Dean will not soon forget whatever Cas just did with his tongue. Dean can hear Cas over his own moaning though. 

“Well, this particular kissing has certain requirements,” the angel says, seemingly none too bothered by Dean’s unraveling state, so much so he lowers his hands on Dean’s ass. And says, “Some of these requirements would more easily be fulfilled should you and I both be horizontal as you stated earlier. I would like that very much.” To accent his emphasis, he lifts Dean’s undershirt and trails his fingertips up Dean’s spine, drawing Dean closer into his heavenly space. 

“Damn, Cas, this is incredible already. Keep touching me.” Dean should maybe feel a little shame but to hell with that. Cas mouths at his stubble on his way back to the juncture of his neck to lick at it. 

“Dean, I want to touch more of you so can we please—”

“Yes, yea, Cas, anywhere you want it. I mean it.” 

And that is how Dean ends up under Cas with his jacket off and his flannel on the chair. Cas already at his neck again, no trenchcoat to cloak him. Dean freezes not realizing they’d go from zero to almost sixty so soon. 

“You’re apprehensive. This requires a sound and consensual orgasm from one of us, this isn’t going to work if you have doubts.” Cas is rolling off of him to rub his chest, where Dean grabs his hand and kisses his fingers again. 

“Hey, no, no, no apprehension just getting my bearings from this...uhm, position.” He turns to face Cas who begins to rub Dean’s side as he turns.

“Oh, right. Apologies. This hasn’t often been a non-transactional experience. I apologize, I thought if we just moved into the space and just stood there you would revoke your new shameless attitude if I didn’t move us forward, I should have waited. I’m sorry, that—.”

Dean holds Cas’ gaze as he cards through his hair and rushes to explain.

“Wait, hold on, woah, Cas, it’s not a new attitude and I’m not ashamed of this or you and yes, typically some bills were exchanged back way when and usually I’m in control the whole time and—”

“Then we can do that” Cas says simply. “You can be in charge. You can position me how you want and I’ll reciprocate accordingly. It doesn’t have to be incredibly intimate...at least not immediately, there’s time and there’s space to improve. Grace kissing just requires an orgasm from either of us to activate.”

“Geez, Cas, hold up, there’s a lot you just dropped in two seconds. I want to just back up. We can hold off on the grace stuff, let’s just get comfortable, man, yeesh. Haha. I want to take my time with you, man, see how far we get and enjoy us for the first time.” Dean is laughing the kind of laugh he does when he’s trying to get out of a parking ticket. He thought Cas would be like jumping into a winter pond but he was like an island beach; warm and boozy. Not that Dean would know but it sounded accurate.

Cas was an angel, he didn’t expect them as a species to be getting their freak on enough for Cas to have this much effect on him. He actually didn’t need the prospect of needing to go slow for Cas. Especially given he did have some unpacking to do on having not been with a guy since his days turning tricks. He fit himself and how he wanted to be, and needed to feel, into a type of  professionalism. He had a whole routine: approach to disposal. He didn’t wanna treat Cas like that. But Cas was putting that on the table for...better kissing? Dean could pass on this. Just so he didn’t have to fall into an old and rough routine. 

Cas cards through his hair again, making Dean look up. Cas’ eyes are open and trusting, just waiting. “Can I tell you something? About my past? My time with Ishim? You met him.” 

“Yea, a real dickface, that guy.”

“Well, yes, I was there when he became that though. I often was the marker for his progression to cruelty. He would often use me, uhm...physically and took his anger out of me. I tried to protect my vessel the best I could but some things...couldn't be helped. I already held my relationship to sex the way I do now but it took some time to feel comfortable in myself again. I found myself  simply letting people have their way instead of enjoying the moment when it came. But I don’t do that now, and I’m not doing that with you. However you’re experiencing us for safety or comfort, I can’t fault you for that, Dean.”

Cas lived through hell before he met me and he loves me anyway. Damn. Dean feels obligated to give the honesty and vulnerability he knows he owes Cas. So he begins:

“So...you know. I used to turn tricks. But what I’m saying is you’re...you… You’re Cas. I want to enjoy this. As great as that type of kiss sounds I want to really ease into this since it’s not something you do often. I don’t want to do anything that pressures you or makes you feel rushed or anything. I just want you outta that tie, man. Lay back and just feel you. Maybe I just wanna do that. Actually.” Dean can’t believe he’s toeing this line; he doesn’t want Cas to shut down more of this but he doesn’t know how to turn the professional off in this situation and he doesn’t want to cheap out on Cas. 

Cas seems to consider this. “Dean, I know you think you’ll be shortchanging me by falling back to your old ways but I’m just happy to be with you. It’s not bothersome, I already feel love and care emanating from you in essentially every way imaginable. This is something I am willing to do with you in whatever way you can give it. I’m serious.”

And that’s how Dean ends up sucking Cas’ dick on the edge of the bed like he’s 23 again. It took some coaxing but Cas rationalized that he’s partially detached from sex as a concept ever since Ishim would have his way and if Dean didn’t already know that guy was dead he would want to kill him again but Cas assured him that the way he feels is very different and more connected than any other experience and that Dean was Different. He also assured him that there was a term for people like him: demisexual, Cas didn’t feel it until he Did and he Does with Dean and so that took some pressure off. Dean still wasn’t sure how to just casually kiss on the bed like he was in highschool with a crush but Cas explained angels stay geared up for a good long while so Dean had to get him off eventually or he was gonna take care of himself. Dean had a bit ready for that so he kinda just….got into character and Cas was already on board. 

So now Dean has Cas’ dick so far in his throat that he can almost breathe through his nose in a way he never knew he was able to before. It feels easier than breathing.  

Sucking his dick is easier than breathing. Dean almost chuckles and just as he considers trying to laugh around Cas’ dick, Cas is pushing Dean’s shoulder to get him off. Dean goes easily despite his hazy state because when the angel is done, that’s it. But he smiles all the way off, licking lazily at the spit that trails, connecting him to the tip of Cas’ cock. He doesn’t even look at it, he’s trapped in Cas’ gaze. Cas, who is now almost on his knees fully off of the bed, damn near crowding into Dean’s space, in his body with amazement on his face and it aches so good.

Cas thinks I’m good. That thought warms Dean’s entire chest, where he could cradle Cas’ grace forever if Cas would have him. Cas, his one and only. Cas who is currently breathing hard like he’s actually winded. So he listens as Cas speaks the words: 

“Dean, how? How did you do that? You couldn’t breathe? Could you?'' It's clear that even Cas isn’t sure if that was something superhuman. Maybe being a sword ain’t half bad. 

Dean grins, “Didn’t need to, not if I could have you like that.” He laughs. Cas’ eyes go wide with excitement. 

“Dean, you fucking… .”

“Whore?” Dean supplies. 

Cas for all he’s worth looks like his heart broke and got fastened back together all in one go. 

“Mine, if that’s what you think you are, on top of it all, you’re mine.” Cas rasps out, breathless. 

Dean giggles, cumdrunk. Hearing his angel not try to fix him or the way he talks about what used to just be work he was good at. Not try to put him on a pedestal like some fragile maiden made Madonna. But not feeding the beast that rags on Dean either. To just share this experience like it was a bag of stolen treats between them. But something more precious.  Something that coaxes such delicious sounds and such good feelings. His past and his regrets, brought him here and Cas will have it all. Cas wants it all. He requires it. This feels like this experience was made just for the two of them. He knows for sure that Cas isn’t writing this script. Cas made this love all on his own.

“Cas, you’re so fucking beautiful.” Dean says through chuckles.

“You made me this way, Dean. That makes you beautiful too.” Cas has a fucked out but heartfelt smile on his face. “Will you give me one of your orgasms, Dean?” Cas asks with his eyes on Dean’s lips. “I want to have one.” Dean couldn’t help but laugh at the earnest vibe and clunky bedroom talk. But he wants to indulge his angel while the guy’s in the mood. So he asks:

“Well, baby, what if I want you to take it? I’m giving it to you, hands down. Face down if you want it like that. But what if I don’t want it all to be gentle? That okay with you?” 

Cas, bless him, plays along. “Dean, you can be rough without hurting me, if that’s what you desire for the time. But one day I would like to treat you with the tenderness you actually desire. I don’t fault you for not seeking true intimacy during our first time though, just so you know.”

Dean stops his playfulness all together. 

“That what you think, Cas, I’m keeping you at bay? Workin’ you like this?” 

“I don’t mind, but it does feel like you’re treating me like a random john. Yes.”

Dean slumps forward, unwilling to look Cas in the eye. Trying to fight the urge to wall up from caging his heart in his chest. Cas knows him and trusts him fully; he knows deep down what Dean wants, how he likes to be, how he’s comfortable. Dean doesn’t owe him a callous professional approach. Cas deserves Dean at his softest. This first time should go right. Not like he just picked Cas up at a bar. He rationalizes that the reason he usually tops is because it’s a service kink thing but Dean knows that when he bottoms he feels like he is a part of the experience more fully. Because someone’s enjoying a part of him he can’t even see. He likes knowing that part is there. It’s like he’s sharing a secret. He wants to share his secrets with Cas. So he asks: 

“Then what if I asked for that?” He doesn’t want to look at Cas’ face in case he’s looking at him like he’s some kinda wimp. 

“For what?” Cas asks, he tries to bring Dean’s face to eye level and Dean refuses.

“For you to lay me on my back and give...give me some...tenderness. You wouldn’t think I was—” Dean doesn’t know how to finish that sentence. Not in a way that speaks kindly to himself the way Cas wants him to start doing.  He just knows there used to be a way guys looked at him when he asked so he stopped asking. But all there is now is Cas, running his thumb lovingly across his chin and cheek like Dean gave him the world. 

“I would know you are mine, Dean. That’s all I would think. And I already think that,” Cas says as he starts to card through Dean’s hair, not trying to make Dean look at him. Damn, this man really understands him. Dean supposes he could have considered that angels wouldn’t have the same human hang ups. 

“Damn, Cas, you’re gonna make a girl blush.” Dean hopes the joke ruins the tender moment. But Cas is still looking at him like he was on a golden throne of Olde. Cas is offering him a do over and he wants to take it so bad. He wants this to go right so much. He’s trying so hard not to make it obvious but he has a feeling Cas sees through him and just isn't saying anything like always. Truly a saint, Dean wonders distantly if he could find a way to get Cas canonized. 

“How about we start with a cuddle, can you make it chilly in here?” Dean asks Cas, playing shy all of a sudden.

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“Certainly, Dean, but why?” Cas is admittedly a bit winded and feeling a good kind of buzz. He knew Dean had experience and a somewhat semi-professional understanding of sex but he wasn’t expecting to enjoy Dean’s ministrations this much. Even though he “works” Castiel as if Dean were at a job it still feels sensual, personal, and rare. He’s incredibly grateful to feel this with Dean who thinks he’s going through the motions but is bleeding so much care and love into every exchange. He’s hiding behind his heart and he doesn’t even realize. I don’t ever want him to feel like he’s hiding again. 

“I want to cuddle up and not overheat, man, plus I wanna listen to you tell me where you learned those moves from earlier.” Dean says as he takes off his undershirt and gets off the floor to get to his drawer. “I think I’m gonna put you in some Zeppelin,” he mutters to himself, and places a shirt on his shoulder before he pops off his jeans and slips into plaid pajama pants. He turns around and smiles. Moving quickly back to the bed and showing Cas the shirt like it was a rare flower in a field. And now to Cas, it is. 

“I get a shirt?” he asks, trying to make sure his vessel’s voice doesn’t crack. He doesn’t succeed as he realizes later he whispered into the fabric. Dean is chuckling up above him. 

“Absolutely, I should have done this sooner, Cas. Seriously. My closet is your closet but we’re getting you some of your own duds. Just in case you have style under those wings.” Dean kisses his forehead. Cas is astounded, tracing over the Zeppelin band shirt’s lettering. “Anyway, eventually I wanna take that off you so I want you to put it on,” Dean says with a wink. He moves in closer to Cas. “Can I?” he asks as he tugs at the bottom of Cas’ dress shirt. 

Cas opens his top bottom and says, “I’ll help.” 

“No, babe, let me….” Dean says as he leans into his neck and whispers in Cas’ ear, “I wanna undress you. Is...is that okay? To...want to do?” Dean says into the collar of the shirt. 

“Yes,” Cas all but moans, he’s beside himself at the sensation of Dean’s warm breath against his neck. Undoing Cas’ buttons happens in short order. 

“Damn, it sure is a weight off my shoulders knowing I get to have you like this some of the time,” Dean says as he envelops Cas and pulls his shirt tails out from the back, sliding his shirt off his body with ease as he peppers kisses along Cas’ neck with care and desire humming through his body. Cas feels lucky this gets to happen again and again too. They slowly adjust and get a shirt on his body, Dean makes quick work of getting off his pants and coming back up to Cas’ face to snuggle into his neck. Slipping a leg over Cas’ to borderline cocoon him by laying mostly on his front half. Cas can take the weight, it’s comforting. He focuses on bringing down the temperature gradually and makes a blanket from under them appear atop. 

“Man, I sure am glad I fell in love with an angel. I’m so damn lucky to know you.” Cas feels like he’s been given the highest ranking title of Heaven. Or unearthed some incredible treasure from an untouched layer of earth. Precious.  

They start to talk about, of all things: the weather, occasionally moving in closer together. Sleepily, Dean remarked that tomorrow would be fun; him, Dean, Sam and Jack would have lunch out in the sun. 

Cas can’t even complain when Dean falls asleep kissing him.