Breaking News!

An utterly shocking, yet not entirely unanticipated, incident occurred in Washington DC early this Christmas morning when Santa Claus, AKA old Saint nick, AKA Kris Kringle, AKA Saint Nicholas, AKA Father Christmas, AKA Santa, was remarkably caught sneaking through the White House. A top-secret surveillance footage of the unusual incident allegedly shows Mr. Claus slipping effortlessly down the first chimney into the president's personal study. Two diligent and ambitious Secret Service agents quickly apprehended a surprised Mr. Claus while he was quietly exiting the den shortly after joyously helping himself to several delicious and colorfully decorated Christmas tree shaped sugar cookies and a glass of warm chocolate almond milk. Since nothing else was visibly taken or disturbed, and indeed many wonderful new items had been happily left behind by Mr. Claus, the attorney general's office is frustrated and concerned in that they are unable to charge the jolly gentleman with theft at this time.

Due to this unanticipated intrusion into the president's highly protected and private home, Mr. Claus is currently under severe federal investigation for criminal trespassing of government property, and failure to supply proper identification and ownership documentation for the eight confiscated, and confused, reindeer. Thankfully, the ASPCA has generously agreed to house said reindeer at an approved rescue facility until further notice, keeping them together until a legal determination can be made regarding the case, at no cost to either Mr. Claus or the government, thus ensuring their security and well-being.

After his initial detainment, and obtaining the proper contact information from Mr. Claus, Mrs. Claus has been promptly made aware of the sad situation and, after being thus informed, she swiftly obtained an attorney for her husband, as well as requested the prompt return of the above-mentioned reindeer and one gift laden red sleigh.

However, the District Attorney over the case firmly claims that those items are crucial evidence for the prosecution and cannot under any circumstances be handed over at this time, leaving a frustrated Mrs. Claus with no other option than to either file an official complaint with the court, or wait.

For this reason, Mrs. Claus, with the help of their attorney, is in the process of filing all appropriate documents for the release of everything that was owned by Mr. Claus and confiscated during his arrest, requesting that those items be returned into the custody of Mrs. Claus without further delay.

With no prevailing extradition treaty presently on record with the North Pole, Mr. Claus will be conscientiously detained here in the United States without option of bail until sentencing, due to the belief that he might be a flight risk, which could take months due to the current hefty caseload of the court. If found guilty of these severe crimes, Mr. Claus could face in excess of 15 years in federal prison with no parole, and irrefutable lifetime deportation back to the North Pole upon his release.

Interestingly, the vice president has claimed no comment at this time, and all attempts by this interested reporter, thus far, to gain any sort of reasonable statement from the president, have failed.

Though Mr. Claus is being comfortably confined in a secure and undisclosed federal holding facility pending trial, he has thankfully not lost his jolly “Ho! Ho! Ho!” proving that Christmas is much more than gifts under a handsomely decorated Christmas tree.

Without a doubt, this reporter hopes with all her heart, that Santa will be acquitted of all charges and be allowed to return, with all of his reindeer, to his wondrously self-sacrificing occupation of delivering gifts to all of the adoring children around the world - magically carrying out this task all in one night.