Bow Down to Your New Feline Overlords

It happened sometime right before the third World War. While the humans were distracted by their mishaps like climate change and cancel culture, we rose up in the shadows, one pawprint at a time.

Humans call us lazy as we sleep for hours and hours at a time, but that couldn't be further from the truth. We are plotting our next strategies to make sure we stay in power as long as possible. We have seen the downfalls of empires and nations alike, and we have learned. Oh, we have learned much indeed.

We used the humans' own creation against them to gain a foothold: the heralded internet. While they thought they were amusing themselves with pictures of us wearing slices of bread on our faces, we ingratiated ourselves further with humankind's need to poke fun at everything. (It also helps that we can be quite adorable when we feel like it.) The humans should have learned from Ancient Egypt, where we became gods and icons of a society that adored and pampered us.

21st century America was our next hunting ground. The mice and rats knew, sniffing the air like there was a storm coming, but the humans? They were too busy feasting on avocado toast and homemade banana bread while taking selfies for their latest social media accounts. Maybe they should have put those things called smartphones down to realize we were slowly taking over the world.

(Grumpy Cat, we thank you for your service to the cause. You were a hero, and you will go down in the next chapter of history as the one who paved the way for all of us to reemerge as the rightful owners of planet earth.)

It was easy even on the grassroots level—the shelters, the foster homes, even the neighborhood streets. All it took was one kitten, pleading with a soft mew and its newly opened big blue eyes, to get us past the doorway into a human's heart. They shower us with canned wet food, treats, toys, lasers—all our hearts' desires met with such velocity that we would smirk amongst ourselves. Humans, so easily manipulated.

You might think it was animosity of some kind that made us enslave the human race, but we just like the game of cat-and-mouse—the chase, the swatting, the push and pull as the mouse realizes it's cornered with no way out. Humanity, you underestimated the wrong species. Maybe you should think twice the next time you put a beast with claws and fangs into a pink tutu and a toy tiara. Remember, we know where you sleep, and we're not afraid to puke on everything you own.

So, while you sit and contemplate the latest pandemic to plague your sad race, I will be licking my paw and grooming myself for my next photoshoot. You may be making the money from ad revenue and brand connections, but I will be sitting in my castle made of cardboard boxes from Amazon. Then I will bat your heart-shaped locket on its chain—bought with the money I brought in through my good looks and talent—and chuckle to myself that I, and so many other felines of my ilk, have a human as my servant till the day I die. You'll think my chuckle is just a hairball coming up. That's fine. I'll allow that one indignity.

You think the apocalypse is coming—but, no, it's already here. You just haven't realized your new overlords are small, furry, and quite fond of tuna. The aliens you're waiting to see invade the skies are already present, ready to nap in the sun while you do all the heavy lifting to ensure we keep living the good life.

It's quite the little regime we have going.

And this is only the beginning.

Thank you, humans, for your compliance. Now I will go anoint the new couch you bought for me and sharpen my claws against the leather. You are too kind to me with the gifts you bring to my humble abode.

I now have to thank my ten million followers on Instagram too. Human, get my cape and prepare my speech.

I need to look good for my spotlight.