Beyond the Barn

My fingers glide across the old wood of the barn door, getting stuck at the old chip that’s been there for twenty years. I feel a splinter work its way into my skin and a shooting pain cuts through my chest. So many memories flood back, memories that I will never be able to recreate. I feel like I’m falling all over again. The endless freefall after a life lost.

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“Are you lost?”

Corinne was playing near the weeping willow when a little boy wandered onto the property. The boy, who appeared to be about the same age as Corinne, piqued her curiosity.

“No, I live on the farm just beyond the river,” said the boy, pointing to the barn a short distance away. “I wanted to explore…My mom said I could. What’s your name?”

“Corinne. What’s yours?”

“Charlie.”

Corinne stared at the boy curiously. She’d never gotten to play with any other kids apart from her sister. She felt an excitement building in her chest, but she didn’t exactly know why. All she knew was that Charlie’s presence on her farm felt good.

“Do you want to play with me?”

The corners of Charlie’s mouth turned up in a playful grin.

“I’ll race you around the barn! First one back to the weeping willow wins!”

The two broke into a run, laughing and heading in the direction of the setting sun.

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The blood-red sun is starting to set, its final rays poking through the branches of the weeping willow, painting a familiar picture in the grass. A picture of the past that I can’t bear to look at.

I pull the doors of the barn open, greeted by a wave of dust. Even after all these years, it still looks the same. The rafters, the hay, the ladder: it’s all still there, just as it was before. I feel like I’ve stepped into a time capsule. One that I created with Charlie. One that I now walk through alone.

I sit down on a bale of hay near the door, running my hands over the straws and feeling their coarseness. It was here that I really saw him for the first time. And I didn’t want to let him go.

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“You have to just let go! Do something rebellious, for once in your life!” Charlie laughed. He was always poking fun at Corinne for being a goody two-shoes.

“Hey! I know how to have fun!”

Corinne’s parents were notoriously strict. They wanted to make sure that their youngest daughter was always safe, never putting herself in harm’s way – the way teenagers often do.

“Oh yeah? Prove it.”

He had a devilish look in his eyes, one of his eyebrows raised. Taunting her. Her heart started to beat out of her chest. She was never one to take risks, but something about him made her want to.

Corinne felt a rush in that moment. Rolling over on her side on the bale of hay, she kissed him for the first time.

When she pulled back, she was met with a stunned look. She immediately felt like she might have made a mistake.

“I’m so sorry, I don’t know what I – ”

Charlie put his finger to her lips. Taking her face in his hands, he looked into her eyes. That boyish grin back again.

“You proved it.”

He leaned in again, bringing her face to his, and pressed his lips against hers.

Butterflies.

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A black butterfly lands on my hand as I come out of my reverie. In its stillness, I can see all the individual lines on its wings. Such a delicate and beautiful creature – even when it stops moving.

I stand up and slowly begin to walk around, the smell of wood wafting through the air. It feels heavy in here, like the air is made of memories.

Each stall reminds me of the horse that used to reside in it: Misty, Betsy, Tucker. I loved my life on the farm, but the farm was not the love of my life. The animals are not why I come back.

At the other end of the barn, I reach the ladder. Inhaling deeply, I place both hands on either side and look up to the loft. Climbing these steps is like traveling through time.

One by one. I close my eyes and let my hands and feet see for me. They’ve gone up this ladder so many times, they know what to do.

When I reach the top, my heart drops. Everything looks exactly the way it did that night. The bed is still there – I can almost see the imprints of our bodies in the mattress.

That night was magic.

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Magic was in the air that night. Corinne could feel it as soon as Charlie put the blindfold on her.

“What are we doing?” she asked, laughing. “You’re always up to something!”

“Shush, Rinny. Do you trust me?”

“Yes.”

“Then let me guide you.”

Charlie stood behind a blindfolded Corinne and placed both of her hands on the ladder. He guided her, step by step, all the way until they reached the top. Once in the loft, he removed the blindfold.

Corinne gasped in delight.

String lights hung from the loft ceiling. On the table were two glasses of red wine, illuminated by several candles. The soft sound of “I’ll Be Seeing You” came from the record player in the corner. Rose petals decorated the bed.

Corinne looked at Charlie in elated disbelief.

“You did all of this for me?”

Charlie nodded and held out his hand. Taking hers, he twirled her around and began slowly dancing to Billie Holiday’s gentle voice. They melted into each other, forgetting about anything besides the feel of their warm embrace.

Toward the end of the song, Charlie pulled back to look at Corinne, still keeping his arms around her. He brushed a strand of hair away from her face, gazing into her eyes, into her soul, in a way that only he could. Corinne, feeling passion coursing through her veins, put her arms around his neck and pulled him in.

It was the most passionate kiss they’d ever shared, the kind that doesn’t remain just a kiss. Charlie moved slowly, first unbuttoning Corinne’s blouse and taking in her beauty. Gazing at her breasts. Her torso. So much desire pulsed through him as he kissed her neck, wanting to taste every inch of her. She purred as he kissed his way down to her torso before he scooped her up and laid her down on the bed. It was the first time for both of them; neither of them could have imagined a more perfect moment to fully share themselves. By the time it was over, the roots of their love had grown even deeper than the roots of the weeping willow.

Sensual, passionate, intimate. The stuff dreams are made of.

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I know I’m just dreaming. The dust that covers the loft floor, the mattress that was once a bed, they’re just remnants of an era that came to an abrupt end.

With a sigh, I descend down the rickety ladder, departing from a moment I would give anything to have back. I decide I don’t want to stay in this haunted barn anymore, filled with the ghosts of my past. I leave through the barn door and fall to my knees. My breath is caught in my throat, my mind swirling.

Then I see the weeping willow.

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The weeping willow was a place of major significance to both Corinne and Charlie. It was where they had first met as children, where their lives truly collided. It’s fitting, really. The weeping willow represents growth and new life: Corinne and Charlie had not only grown up together, but had also merged their lives together through every stage of life.

It makes sense, then, why the willow would be a part of their most monumental moment.

One evening, while going for a walk around the property at sunset, Charlie and Corinne began reminiscing about the day they’d met as children.

“I was so intrigued by you,” Corinne smiled. “I’d never met a boy I was so curious about.”

“You were the girl next door. You think I was going to pass up a chance to talk to you, even as a kid?”

Charlie winked at her and squeezed her hand as they approached the willow.

“It’s funny,” Corinne said, letting go of his hand and tracing hers along the trunk. “I can’t really remember anything about my life before you were in it.”

She continued to circle around the tree, feeling the ridges, those same ridges she had felt as a little girl. When she made her way around the whole trunk, she gasped in disbelief.

Charlie was down on one knee.

“Rinny, the day I met you under the willow was the day my life changed forever. I have fallen in love with you over and over, every single day, for sixteen years. I have been so honored to have you by my side for all this time, but I would be even more honored to have you by my side for a lifetime. Will you marry me?”

Corinne’s eyes welled up with tears. She had never felt so loved, so happy, so sure of anything.

“Oh my god, of course I will!”

Charlie slipped the ring on Corinne’s shaking finger and when they kissed, neither of them could stop smiling. He scooped her up and let out a loud “woo!” of delight, proceeding to run around with her in his arms as they kissed and laughed. Nothing could ever compare to that moment.

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Nothing compares to that moment. Especially not now.

Oh, Charlie…I was so happy to be your fiancée. Our life together was supposed to be filled with love, joy, children, peace.

Where is my peace now?

That tractor. That goddamn tractor took it all away in one fell swoop.

The day you died, I died too. Except that I only died in my heart and in my mind – I’ve been forced to go on living in this body that has no desire to carry on without you. Every breath I take feels like a knife in my lungs. I’ve been living on autopilot ever since you left. How do I go on living when we already spent an entire lifetime – your lifetime – together? I don't want to live the rest of mine without you.

I slowly approach the willow, feeling as though I have no energy left within me. I lay down underneath its branches and look up, the way we used to do. Only I don’t want to do the things we used to do together if you’re not here to do them with me. I close my eyes, feeling the pain of heartbreak spread throughout my body.

I just want to sleep. Maybe, if I’m lucky, I will see you again.