Best Stepmom

I have the best stepmom in the world. She hates my mom and dad, too. They’re awful. We call my mom, Lila, the dirty whore, and my dad, Sam, the sorry bastard. Sharon, that’s my stepmom, has the cutest little dog you ever saw. Her name is Daisy Jill, and Sharon is getting custody of her in the divorce.

Sharon and Sam are getting divorced because Sam fucked Lila after I got out of rehab. My mom and grandma paid for rehab; my dad couldn’t help because Sharon wanted to get another little dog. It’s sad that she won’t get one. I have a cat who lives with Lila. My ex’s dog also has free room and board with that selfish bitch Lila. Our apartment would only allow one cat, so we have one of my cats.

You should see how much Sharon loves Daisy Jill. She has all of these professional photos of her, and they’re all framed, right there next to the one of me from roller derby. Sam coached my team before he married Sharon. I was in their wedding; I got to wear a bridesmaid dress and be in their wedding pictures and everything. That was fifteen years ago. Sharon has a really big family, and she and Sam always went to the holiday celebrations. I got to meet most of her family at the wedding.

Lila thinks she’s so smart because she has a master’s degree and she’s a professor, but Sharon says she’s really stupid because Sam never loved her. She was just too dumb to know it and kept running back for more. That’s how she got knocked up with me, which isn’t fair because Sharon really, really wanted to have Sam’s baby but couldn’t because of her health. Sharon met Sam when I was eight and she was thirty-nine.

We’re not supposed to talk about Sharon’s health (she’s very sensitive, and she’s a private person), but it’s the reason she didn’t come to my rehab graduation or my son’s third birthday party. Her health never acts up when it’s time for one of her girls’ trips. I bet she invites me to join her and her friends in the mountains this winter.

Sharon’s brother has a band, the Shane Veranda Band. He’s really good—his band has been playing in a few local bars for almost twenty years, and for the past few years, Sharon has been singing with him! She’s the coolest ever. Shane lives right next door to Sharon and their mother, who moved in with Sharon and that asshole Sam a few years ago. They’re a real family. Maybe one day they’ll have a party for my birthday like they do for theirs.

Tonight is the first time I’ve spent the night here. Sharon and I have become super close since I found out that she and Sam are getting divorced. Sam told me last time I was in town. He said it was his fault, but that’s all he said.

When I called Sharon, she told me everything. She even forwarded me the sick, disgusting emails between Sam and Lila that she found when Sam was out of town for work. In addition to all of the nasty things they want to do to each other, Sam gave Lila a Mother’s Day present this year, and she gave him a Father’s Day present, right under Sharon’s and Daisy Jill’s noses. Sharon says that’s the thing she can’t forgive, and I don’t blame her.

Sam and Lila are awful, and I hate having them for parents. At least I have Sharon to look out for me.