Barry Dagman's party

Barry Dagmans Party A short skit ______________________________

Scene: The stage is bare except for a washing machine. (Hollowed out so Barry can climb inside. Handle on the back, so he can make it look like it vibrates …)

Leaning against the washing machine is a young man, dressed casually. It is Barry Dagman. He is approx 25 years old.

Cast of 8.

Barry. Barry 2. Tarryn. Sheree. Frank. Mum. Sharon & Kellie, (non speaking).

Barry: Hi. Yeh, uh, Hi! I’m Barry. Barry Dagman.

Yeh. Yeh. Hi. Yeh. We had a party at our place last night. At least I think it was our place. It started off at our place.

But when I woke up, I mean, I didn’t recognise anything!

Which was not surprising really …

‘Cos I’d fallen asleep in the washing machine.

Yeh. Yeh!

I thought about it, and what I reckon is,

It’s that nice vibrating feeling …

Uhhhhhhh!

Uhhhhhhh!

(the washing machine vibrates)

An’ then I had a smoke …… (Mimes a toke)

AAAhhhhh!

An, you know, that’s a really PRETTY washing machine!

Ya Know. Yeh!

(enter a young male)

An then Barry comes in an …

That’s not me – that’s the OTHER Barry.

But people often get us confused.

They think that because HE’S Barry,

& I’m Barry,

We’re like – TWINS!

Barry 2: Where’s the toy-let?

Barry: BARRY! You’ve been here since yesterday!

You’ve drunk a whole slab on yer own

And half a bottle of Beam.

You must be BUSTING!”

Barry 2: No, not really.

But you might need to empty your fish tank. Cos your Guppy’s got hiccups.

Oh yeh! Frank’s come out of the closet.

Barry: Yeh? I didn’t know he was gay?

Barry 2: No. No, I mean, he’s come out of the closet …

(3 young women and a young man walk across the stage, chattering and giggling and mucking about. One of the women has a spoodle on a lead. The spoodle is pink and white.)

Barry 2: … With Sharon & Kellie & Tarryn.

Oh! An yer mum’s spoodle’s half pink?”

Barry: Why’s me mum’s spoodle half pink?”

Tarryn: Well, she was ALL pink, when Shazza here, first threw up on her. But it’s okay, ‘cos the dog's managed to lick the back half off!

(Tarryn hands the dog lead to Barry and the 5 young people walk off together)

Barry: Now, the funny thing is – she, the dog, looks half decent! That is, the back half looks decent, The front half looks crap! Well, not crap you understand – but anyway …

See, Raspberry Tequila’s like … Like permanent marker! So, thinking, thinking to myself, What was I gunna do about this? I mean, this has real Marketing Potential!

Yeh. Yehhh! Iran. Irak. Saudi Arabia. Flog ‘em some permanent markers (made under licence). Get the point (Licks finger) Colour me – Alcoholic! Ye –eh! Heh! Heh! Heh!

(Enter a girl)

Barry: An here’s Sheree, come to ruin me tranquillity.

Sheree: You’re awake, then.

Barry: Whatcha been up to?

Sheree: Talkin to Andy. Seems he’s getting married.

Barry: Yeh, how come?

Sheree: Says he ran out of excuses. She took that as a “Yes” and we’re invited to the wedding.

Barry: We hardly know him!

Sheree: Yeh, but he’s lookin for people to be on his side. He says his girlfriend’s Italian with more cousins than a wild rabbit an he’s scared the church might tip over … (she lurches over to one side).

Barry: So we’re going, then?

Sheree: You know me: I love a good wedding. Hope to have one myself, one day! (She fixes him with A Look!)

Barry: Ok, I’ll go with ya, but there’s Ground Rules.

Sheree: Of course …

Barry: You’re the Dedicated Driver, so I can have a few.

Sheree: Designated. But yeh,

Barry: No askin me to dance!

Sheree: Ok. I’ll dance with other blokes.

Barry: No Flirtin.

Sheree: You or me?

Barry: You. Ok, and me.

Sheree: How’s about with one another?

Barry: No. Look, you can flirt with me an that’s all. Ok?

Sheree: Fine.

Barry: An’ No Catty Remarks about the bride.

Sheree: (mutters) I’m gunna pretend I didn’t hear that.

Barry: Sheree, I mean it.

Sheree: Fine. I’ll just make observations of a spurious nature.

Barry: Spurious?

Sheree: Spurious. Verb. To spur on, encourage. Spurs, barbs, whips and other assorted exciting things ….

Barry: Just be good. It’s embarrassing being ejected from a wedding.

Sheree: That was before my time and the way I heard, it was ejaculated, not ejected. You and the bridesmaid both! (she storms off)

Barry: (shouts) I did not ejaculate!

(Enter Frank)

Frank: Sorry to hear that. Is this a hard time? Shall I come back later? Will you come back at all?

Barry: Huh! It’s all very well for you! Where’s yer Olympic Team gone?

Frank: Whatcher on about?

Barry: Yer Olympic Squad: Sharon and Kellie and Tarryn. Cos if you were in the closet with those three, you must have been training for the Fuckin Olympics!

Frank: Heh Heh Heh! Yeh. No, we was jus’ talkin. Did you know that chicks don’t think we blokes talk to one another?

Barry: Yep. An’ I ain’t gunna enlighten ’em, either.

Frank: Too right! Next thing, they’ll be wanting to know what we was on about an’ I really don’t want to re-hash cos they don’t understand it, anyways.

Barry: I reckon 50% of everybody I meet is a bloke. So how would it go, if I said: “I’m not talking to you cos you’re a bloke!”

Frank: Wouldn’ get much done, would you Daggy. Gotta talk to another bloke so you build networks, like: Who’s brother-in-law is a mechanic what can do you a dodgy roadworthy? Where can I get cheap tyres? Are England gonna fuck us over in the Ashes again?

See, we talk sensible stuff. Girls talk ‘periods’. An they go on an on an on! About Periods! An they say we talk shit about sports and cars. What’s wrong with that?

Barry: You’re right Frank. A bloke can talk to another bloke anywhere with cars and sport. Tells you where he stands.

Frank: Mind you, gotta watch out where you talk to blokes. Doesn’t do to talk to them in the Gents, like. Ya nevva know …….

Barry: Nah! Gotta go careful. Don’t even look at someone in the mirror.

(They glaze over as if looking into a mirror in front of them. And flinch!)

Frank: Did you get dudded into going to Andy’s wedding?

Barry: Yep. He was smart enough to ask Sheree. So, it’s a definite!

Frank: Smart! I reckon, if you wanna see blokes talkin to each other, go to a weddin and watch blokes standin round the bar, stranglin a beer, getting a good look at the chicks on the dance floor, an givin odds on who’ll score what.

Barry: Ideally, I’m lookin for a girl who has just broken up with someone, hates men, is tipsy, is feelin unloved, wants revenge sex an is just a bit too drunk to remember who she had it with ….

Ya know, if a bloke sez: ‘I met me wife at a weddin,’ there’s a good chance he was checkin out the chicks an misjudged how drunk she was!

Frank: Wise! (they nod)

Barry: Where’d you meet your missus?

Frank: My Ex. At a wedding. Yeh, go figure.

(There is a ruckus off stage and then the 5 come back on stage, they are trying to calm Barry’s Mum, who is being very boisterous and loud)

Barry: An then Mum comes home. And boy! Is she pissed! I mean she is Really Pissed! I don’t know what they get up to down at the seniors Scrabble Club, But it takes 6 of us to get her quietened!

(He goes over to quieten her down but she breaks away and announces):

Mum: I’m telling you - I Finally Scored! It was fantastic. I was playing with Ron and I did a 69! Best ever! (she does a little victory dance).

Barry: Yeh, Good One, mum. I know it’s been a while, but, Do you need to tell EVERYONE?”

Mum: I turned PHONE into XYLO-phone on a triple word line And I scored 69!! Yaaaaayyy!!!

(The 6 pick up mum by the arms and legs and carry her off stage. We can hear the ruckus as they carry her to her bedroom).

Barry: I haven’t seen the old girl that happy since she got the Mint an the Marijuana mixed up.

(There’s a bang and a shout as they drop her).

Barry: Gotta go. Gotta date with the Westinghouse! Yeh!

(He climbs into the washing machine and it starts to vibrate as he snuggles into it. Lights go down)

The End.

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Author’s Note: This is the Only Barry Dagman story that is a skit. All the others are short stories. This one was adapted for a local theatre group.