Away

I can’t remember how I was before, you know, all this. I can’t remember if I was fun. Or always like this silent, watching the walls, thinking, empty? Maybe the reason why I try to get back on track with my old friends. Maybe deep down I am trying to remember myself, my true self; the only person I actually miss.

I actually can’t remember who I was before…And that’s why I have to go. To find myself again. They say it’s your ‘hometown’ where you grow up; but what if it doesn’t feel like it deserves to be called ‘home’?

In the middle of the night, while waiting for the last train, I felt like I was headed ‘home’ for the first time; even though I literally didn’t know where I was actually going.

I wanted to feel those warm feelings people always talk about when they say ‘home’. But I was never that lucky, unfortunately.

Another thing people always say is that ‘you can always come back to where you once were.” But they never think about the possibility of not having a place to go back to. Not having a home that you can count on.

Those sorts of thoughts ate me inside out until I made it to the dorm. I dropped my bags on the ground as soon as I entered the room. Carrying all those luggages to the fourth floor was exhausting! Like seriously, no elevator bullshit! Or there was also a slight chance, just a cute little small one, that I had to start working out asap. I don’t know which but pretty sure the first one must be it.

I checked the room out after closing the door with my heel. I was still trying to catch my breath, but not only from all those stairs, instead there was another factor in the equation this time; the mesmerizing feeling that was literally taking my breath away. The room was not that much of a big one however it was perfect. Perfect… First things first, it was not completely white like a hospital room in lieu it was white on just two of the walls; the third wall was brick (,where the desks were facing towards), and the last one was bright red (,the beds were against). The whole room was straight out of a teenage movie or something. The only thing is there that wasn’t fitting was probably me. Why? Because let me just give you a quick imagine of mine. Are you ready? You better be. Well, here goes nothing: A hundred and fifty five centimeters black girl with usual curly black hair, green eyes, full lips, big tits and ass of course, chubby face, so on and so forth. And, so conveniently, last but not least; a lesbian. So you know your all day every day, friendly neighborhood unwanted girl. How much more of an outcast could I be, right? Thus, only naturally, my entire life had been a ball of living hell and torture so far. By the way, you get it, don’t you? The room was *straight* out of movies and there is nothing about me that is *straight*. hehe

I shook my head slightly as the disgust and hate towards myself that was filling the air second by second again, making me suffocate. I took a deep deep breath to calm down and take my mind out of that place where it should have been, but never was, ‘home’. I tried focusing on the little dorm room, trying to forget. How hard I tried running away, the faster my past follows. All the dark memories, all the traumas, my family, “friends”, her, him… Everything…