Aristarchus of Samos

Characters:

Aristarchus of Samos – Scientific genius, who has just discovered that the Earth revolves around the sun, and so is not the centre of the universe. All she needs to do now is convince everyone else, and with the science behind her it should be easy. Right? Right???

Cleanthes – Honest, kind and strong. A loyal friend to Aristarchus, she is a sun worshipper who nevertheless has her doubts about the heliocentric solar system. Nicknamed “Ass” which she loves- after all, she is strong as a donkey.

Aristotle – He’s a star, and a public proponent of the geocentric solar system model. His famed intelligence is in no way due to him.

Marketacus – Cruel and ruthless marketing executive for Aristotle. Might be psychic, as has some unexplainable knowledge that he ensures remains that way.

A note on race and gender:

The pronouns of Aristarchus and Cleanthes have been changed to she/her in order to reflect the inequality of power that exists between the two pairs (Aristarchus/Cleanthes and Aristotle/Marketacus). This needs to be reflected in casting but not necessarily in this manner- Aristarchus and Cleanthes simply need to not be cis men if Aristotle and Marketacus are. In this case, pronouns may be altered as appropriate and at the discretion of the cast and director. Likewise, if the latter pairing is white, it would be appropriate to cast POC as the former. The lines “men like to yell” could then be changed to “whites like to yell”. This allowance is not to conflate the issues and experiences of gender and race, but to allow for a clear and visual demonstration of the inequality that becomes clear at the play’s conclusion while making diversity a casting requirement. Given that this is a play designed to be accessible, I have decided to make this process as easy as possible for directors by being flexible with which groups are represented.

Yet another note, this time on the ending:

There are a few possible morals to this story, which lends the conclusion to a certain level of ambiguity in the absence of one dominant message. While it is of course clear that marketing nonsense over truth can put us back 3000 years in our understanding of the universe, the fall out between Cleanthes and Aristarchus is designed to be a sudden and slightly confusing one. The friction between science and religion has historically been fraught with inconsistencies and myth. I would refer directors to Arthur Koestler’s depiction of the feud between Galileo and Pope Urban VIII (which is of course over the same issue as this play) in The Sleepwalkers. In this less mythologised version, it is difficult to see which of the men was more unreasonable. And that is the issue here as well- neither Aristarchus or Cleanthes are willing to be even slightly lenient regarding the objectivity of their worldview and thus find it necessary to utterly deny the other. However, we also know from history that science and religion can co-operate to wonderful effect, Isaac Newton being a prime example. I personally think it is a great shame that these forces so often exist at odds, as by definition they cannot disprove each other but deal with separate realms of existence (the physical and the metaphysical). Although this is my opinion, I leave how the ending is played to the discretion of the directors and actors- religion may be a source of further untruth, or Aristarchus may be as arrogant as Aristotle. This, like your views on the inherent truth of the universe, is up to you.

SCRIPT

Lights up on Aristarchus, at a desk and wildly doing maths. She’s clearly on a roll and very excited. Rulers, papers and discarded drafts are everywhere- she’s been in this room for a few days. A blackboard shows her heliocentric diagram of the universe, but it’s missing a few things. She writes frantically, then flies over to the blackboard and finishes the equation.

She steps back, revelling at her own masterpiece. She’s panting, so she takes a few measured breaths…

Aristarchus: Zeus’ beard. (yelling) ASS! … ASS!

No response. She moves side stage and tries again.

Aristarchus: I NEED ASS! GET ME ASS, NOW!

She moves back to her desk and waits impatiently. Enter Cleanthes, who has clearly just won a boxing match. Her gloves are still on, and her focus is still outside- she’s trash talking delightedly.

Cleanthes: [yelling to offstage as she enters] – and tell Hephaistos that I look forward to meeting his puny offspring whenever he plucks up the ka-jowls to face me!

Aristarchus: Ass!

Cleanthes: Aristarchus! You’ll never guess what has happened.

Aristarchus: No, you’ll never guess what has happened.

Cleanthes: Hephaistos, yes the Hephaistos god of the forge, has heard of my prowess in the ring and has sent one of his bastard sons to fight me! Me! Aristarchus! I’m going to pulverise a demi-god! And given that Athena hates Hephaistos, once I do, I’ll finally become her favourite mortal! Nay, the favourite of all the gods!

Aristarchus: Well, not Hephaistos.

Cleanthes: Nonsense! I’ve already won him over, that’s why he has issued this challenge!

Aristarchus: Cleanthes, just because other people in Athens worship Hephaistos, doesn’t mean that Athena likes it. After all, he did try to-

Cleanthes: OH! Is that a glimmer of hope I see? Someone been reading up on their gods, have they?

Aristarchus: No I-

Cleanthes: I keep telling you, you’d love the Squinters if you’d just [noticing for the first time the state of the room] come out of this room…

Aristarchus: Cleanthes I am not joining your sun worshipping group, but I may have revolutionised the entire idea of the-

Cleanthes: Yes but that doesn’t mean you should never see the sun! Aristarchus when was the last time you even went-

Aristarchus: [Fed up, Aristarchus grabs Cleanthes and turns her to face the blackboard] Cleanthes. Look.

Cleanthes: [Not understanding] Oh. Yes. Uh… very nice numbers you have there…

Aristarchus: It’s the sun. And us. Look.

Cleanthes: [Moves closer to the board, starting to understand] What about it?

Aristarchus: I’ve done it.

Cleanthes: [Warily] Done what?

Aristarchus: I’ve proved it. A heliocentric solar system. The Earth revolves around the sun.

Cleanthes: Hera’s foot.

Aristarchus: I knew you’d love it! Turns out you sun worshippers were more right than you knew! The sun is the centre of the universe! Now all I need is for you to go get your Squinters or whatever and they can spread the news! Your religion will spread the truth!

Cleanthes: Oh, Aphrodite’s elbow.

Aristarchus: Is that a yes?

Cleanthes: Well, um… how do I put this? No.

Aristarchus: No?!

Cleanthes: No.

Aristarchus: Ass, why?

Cleanthes: Now don’t you start buttering me up with my favourite title. I may be strong as an Ass but I’m a lot smarter than one. And this… this will not go down well.

Aristarchus: There’s nothing heretical about this!

Cleanthes: Well no…

Aristarchus: In fact, I mean I would say it’s blasphemous not to put your god at the centre of all things-

Cleanthes: Hardy ha ha. It’s not that simple and you know it.

Aristarchus: I know nothing of the kind!

Cleanthes: Then let me enlighten you, oh genius. The Squinters believe that the sun is the fire of the universe, the giver of life, seasons and light. The Earth is the hearth of the universe, receiving the warmth from the fire. You can’t just give movement to the hearth of the universe!

Aristarchus: So call it something else! It’s not like it matt-

Enter Marketacus, playing a trumpet fanfare terribly. There is a notebook in his pocket that he takes notes on throughout the scene. Aristotle follows shortly after, waving and blowing kisses to the crowd. He’s holding a shoe box.

Aristarchus: Hades’ chin.

Cleanthes: What is happening…?

Aristotle: I heard someone was trying to prove me wrong! Me! The Aristotle!

Marketacus: [Under his breath] Student of Plato.

Aristotle: STUDENT OF PLATO

Marketacus: Teacher of Alexander.

Aristotle: TEACHER OF ALEXANDER. AND AUTHOR OF BESTSELLING BOOK … TOPICS.

Aristarchus: [Beat.] You called your book… Topics.

Aristotle: Well that’s what it’s about. Duh.

Aristarchus: Right. Who told you about my work?

Aristotle: Marketacus.

Aristarchus: And who told you about my work?

Marketacus: Don’t worry about it.

Aristarchus: I think that’s something worth-

Marketacus: Sh sh sh sh shhhhhh… don’t worry about it.

Aristarchus: What do you want?

Aristotle: I want to relieve you of this heli- helio…

Marketacus: Heliocentric.

Aristotle: Heliocentric solar system idea. I’ve brought mathematical proof that it is in fact my model of the solar system, which is Earthcentric-

Marketacus: Geocentric.

Aristotle: -is the correct one.

Aristarchus: … and?

Aristotle: [Throws shoe box on the ground] Ha HA! PROOF!

Cleanthes collects the box and opens it. Inside there is a little sun drawn in the middle of the otherwise empty box. Cleanthes shows Aristarchus, and shrugs, clearly confused.

Aristarchus: This… this is not proof.

Aristotle: What are you, an ASS?

Cleanthes: No, that’s me.

Aristotle: Because you are STUPID?

Cleanthes: No, because I’m strong? Why are you yelling?

Marketacus: Men like to yell.

Cleanthes: Well he should stop!

Marketacus: Not for another two millennia. Maybe.

Cleanthes: What?!

Marketacus: Don’t worry about it.

Aristotle: Besides, if the Earth was moving we would feel it!

Aristarchus: Not at these speeds we wouldn’t!

Aristotle: Aristarchus, honey-

Aristarchus: Absolutely not.

Aristotle: You can’t just ignore what’s in front of you to make a point. There are certain facts of life that are obvious to everyone with eyes. Think of it like this. If the Earth was heating, it would stop snowing. But it still snows, therefore it’s not!

Marketacus: [Breaking the fourth wall, ominously] And it never will.

Aristarchus: What?

Marketacus: Don’t worry about it.

Aristotle: The Earth is flat, the Greeks deserve slaves, and there are people on the moon!

Cleanthes: Seriously?

Marketacus: We haven’t really gotten to that last one yet.

Aristarchus: Oh, Hermes’ nose! Who even are you?!

Aristotle: Marketacus. We’ve been through this.

Aristarchus: Saying his name once is not going through anything.

Marketacus: I’m in branding.

Cleanthes: Like cows?

Marketacus: Like people.

Cleanthes: You brand people?!

Aristotle: Well, slaves aren’t really-

Marketacus: No, I create brands for people.

Cleanthes: You sell branding irons.

Marketacus: I sell ideas.

Cleanthes: I thought he (indicates Aristotle) sells ideas.

Marketacus: Only because I sold the idea of him first.

Aristarchus: How very meta.

Aristotle: Oh I like that. Meta… meta…

Aristarchus: Basically, Ass, this “Marketacus” spends his time convincing people that they should pay attention to ideas not for their accuracy, but for their loudness.

Marketacus: Men like to yell.

Aristarchus: And I like to be right.

Marketacus: Which is a shame, for you.

Cleanthes: You can’t just say the wrong thing over and over and expect that people are going to believe you.

Marketacus: You can if it’s the only thing anyone ever hears. And thanks to this [holds up notebook] Aristotle’s defeat of the messy Aristarchus is what all of Athens will be talking about tomorrow.

Aristarchus: He hasn’t proved a thing!

Marketacus: Sure he has. He’s the smartest man in Greece!

They look to Aristotle, who is trying to play the trumpet through the bell.

Aristarchus: He’s an idiot.

Marketacus: Not according to everyone out there. And after all, this is a democracy.

Aristarchus: Votes don’t change the truth.

Marketcus: But they do change the power. Or, as in this case, they don’t.

Aristarchus: We’ll tell the people the truth.

Marketacus: And we’ll tell them a better truth.

Aristarchus: How can you be so sure?

Marketacus: Don’t worry about it.

Aristotle: [Frustrated with the trumpet] Marketacus!

Marketacus: You’re right sir. We have a packed schedule.

Marketacus takes back the trumpet and resumes his fanfare, and Aristotle immediately starts smiling and waving to the crowd again. They exit as Cleanthes and Aristarchus look on, frozen in horror and outrage.

Aristarchus: Persephone’s foot.

Cleanthes: Aristarchus, don’t worry. The gods will-

Aristarchus: Don’t you get it Cleanthes? There are no gods! Your Helios has no point- it’s right here in the maths! He can’t pull the sun across the sky; the sun doesn’t move! It’s a bunch of lies! The whole idea is a bunch of- [seeing Cleanthes face and stopping]

Cleanthes: Bunch of lies, huh… you know. You know you almost had me. But then you had to just, you had to just decide that you knew it all, didn’t you?

Aristarchus: Ass I didn’t mean-

Cleanthes: Yes, yes you did. You decided that because you found one inconsistency in all the stories, all our stories, that have been passed down for thousands of years, you decided that because of one inconsistency then it’s all a bunch of lies. That’s what you did.

Aristarchus: But you have to admit-

Cleanthes: What? That there might be some misinterpretations of stories that are communicated aurally? Would that be impossible Aristarchus? You don’t even have to leave Athens to hear different versions!

Aristarchus: I… I didn’t want to hurt-

Cleanthes: Do you believe in love?

Aristarchus: Yes I-

Cleanthes: But not Aphrodite? Hephaistos? I bet you think I’m a fool who will be proud to fight a mere con man. What about happiness?

Aristarchus: Yes but-

Cleanthes: Not Euphrosyne. Wisdom maybe? Surely. But not Athena. Does that sound about right to you?

Aristarchus: I… yes.

Cleanthes: Sounds to me that you’ll believe in the gifts they give you, but not in them. Could it be that maybe you can’t stand the idea of a being more brilliant and glorious than you? So you went and made your discovery, your brainchild, the only truth in the universe. Well riddle me this genius, can you prove my gods don’t exist? Helios may not move like we thought he did, but does that mean he’s a fiction?

Aristarchus: [Beat] You know I can’t prove a negative.

Cleanthes: Finally. Something your precious maths can’t do. You and I could have done such great things together.

Exit Cleanthes. Aristarchus is left alone on the stage, staring after her only friend with nothing but her numbers to comfort her.