Apparition of Desires

I found myself in a recurring dream. The one where I’m naked. Not naked in the grocery store but naked at the dry cleaners. Everyone in line holding their ticket is shouting, me, me, me. Fully clothed and faceless with familiar voices. I recognized yours. It was that spring or maybe it was early summer when the mayflies were extreme. Blanketing the ground and buildings like snow, I had never seen so many. On the beach alone, you said you would never tire of how the moon lit the hair on the back of my head. In the dry cleaners I covered my privates so people wouldn't heckle and snicker at my shame. Next in line I began to unzip the zipper under my chin. Zipped down through my abdomen. Carefully under and down through to the inseam of my left leg. All the way down to my heel. I remove my flesh from its bones, like I was peeling off a onesie. How a mechanic releases himself at the end of a day from his coveralls. The blood coursing through my veins like neon. Lungs expanding and contracting with every breath in this space we share. You're here, I know you are, I can hear you. My skull and rib cage exposed, along with my spine and pelvis. The guts, muscles and organs revealed to the faceless standing in line. You're faceless but I can hear you. I hand the woman my suit of skin, asked for the one-hour service. She said the stain on the center of my chest may be hard to remove. I lied and said it was from coffee. Stood to the side exposing my innermost self. Waited in silence surrounded by the girth of rich men with rhino horns in their William Westmancott suits. This is where the dream really takes a turn. On the beach wading into the ocean. A whirlpool I couldn’t resist draws me in and under. The ceiling of my bedroom becomes the ocean. I look up from my bed, rays of light spear down penetrating the surface illuminating a hovering silhouette. I am that silhouette near the surface floating effortlessly looking down at myself sleeping below. I thought I saw you hovering above me, looking down at me, except it was my eyes inside of you looking down at me. Part of me seeing you and part of me seeing me through you. The mayflies cover me like skin. I don’t know if they’re protecting me or dying with me. Your voice is gone now. You’re nowhere in sight, I woke, a little feverish, a little not knowing. Not knowing for a moment where I am. I covered myself, my skin, it’s all here, dazed a little, I’m still complete.

The usual sound of birds, sun shone through the window. You are still here, I thought, even though the dream is over, still fresh in my mind. You have me in this state. I haven’t seen you for almost two years and still you’re here. Grrr, I thought to myself, what is wrong with me? You always show up in the strangest places. My dreams, in the car, even when I’m alone diving the old shipwrecks in Tobermory, and I know I’m not supposed to dive alone, but I did and I will again, you can’t stop me—anymore. Yet you are here always.

At first, it was just periodically, a whisper, the breeze, the way the red winged blackbird followed me from pole to pole everyday on my run. I was over you, I was in love again, new love, leave me the fuck alone, I wished. But the room is empty, it’s just me. I was in love and like a fucking pepping tom you were there, here and there, everywhere, in thin air watching my every move, seeing me with my eyes closed in those moments of nirvana. Moments with another love. I swore I thought I felt you on my back, in my ears, in my hair, pooled in the nape of my silence. Getting intimate with me while I was intimate with another. Even now, alone eating oatmeal, I sense you.

The water calms the morning, an ease about its surface. The sky, the color of a robin’s egg meeting the red crest of the horizon, darkening to the east. You always warned me about this type of sky—red sky in morning take warning, I’ve never forgotten, yet I’m here preparing to dive to a wreck just off the coast—alone, always knowing you will be here. You're always here. Its kind of comforting this thought. This thought of you, the thought of you I’ve been trying to expel from my mind. My thoughts, my dreams. How can I love again when you won’t let go? You hold onto my inner most self. You do it from afar. How far, I have no idea. I’m not sure how, but we still communicate, at least that’s what I like to think. It comforts me knowing you’re feeling my thoughts as I’m feeling yours, somehow, someway, I know wherever you are you sense me too.

Dipping off the edge of the boat and into the water as silent as I could, trying not to disturb its glassy finish. Its so beautiful looking across its reflective edge as it blends into the red sunrise. This beautiful window into the other side of living. Everything calm, not a sound. No seabirds, wake, wind or even boat noise in the distance. Not one distinct voice to be heard. Softly, I do hear musical sounds—Sirens; I think that’s what it is. Do you remember those mythical, beautiful, dangerous creatures you would tell me about? You said I was like one of them, my voice. You said I was enchanted; my songs enchanting, you made me feel so special. I’ve never forgotten that feeling.

With a little spit I wipe the inside of my mask. I give a test fit, put it into place. Test my mouthpiece, my regulator, everything checks. You remember the femmes fatales who lured sailors with enchanting music, mythic voices down to the shipwrecks. The seductive daughters of the Odyssey, the Sirens, you remember, I know you do. I’m happy you’re hear, I can’t see you, but I know you're close and I will see you. I will see you very soon.

You always liked the flow of my hair below the surface. The way it rode over my naked back, fell to my waist. When I would stop to tread, turn to see you, and feel your closeness, my hair floated towards the surface in soft currents, you remember, I’m sure you do. You would try to catch it and entangle in it, your naked body like a little clownfish safe in its sea anemones. It was our naked dives—so much love, remember, you remember, always your favorite dives. My favorite dives too.

Deeper I work my way closer to the shipwreck, follow—I know you will, I have these ways. I have these songs. Hear me, hear the voices, hear the music—the Sirens? The shipwreck is this way. Follow my voice. You need to follow, you will show yourself. I know you will. Slipping my bikini top off, I send it to the surface—catch it if you can, catch me, I know you will, I know you can. I know you will, I'm sure. I spun to tread and watch for you. I look feverish for you, looking for that desire, your desires. Your desires are what I need, what I crave. I watch the bubbles from my regulator rise, you like to surprise me through them this way. My bikini bottoms come off, I let them drift to the voices, the music, carries them to the top. I feel so free, feel free with me. The Sirens—hear them, I know you do, you’re here somewhere, I sense it, you see me, drifting deeper on my back toward the wreck. Let the Sirens free you. I recognize your shadow through the rays piercing the surface, closer, I’m sure it’s you. I let the mouthpiece slip out from between my lips, closer, come closer, my body sings, the bubbles fill the area. I’m buried in bubbles, enchanting music all around. My body’s wings begin to sprout from my arms, my beautiful wings, I’m waiting breathless, carried close to the shipwreck, the current, the music, closer louder, closer you break threw the bubbles. We fall toward the wreck, I feel you. This is the way, I feel you, my wings around you, not to worry, I have you.