An Influencer's Carol

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. A slow steady rhythm loomed over me. Where am I? I try to open my eyes. Darkness. I strain to see, and my head starts to throb, then nothing.

Some time must have passed. The looming beeps still echoed above me, but I could hear voices now.

“Your wife is in a coma. She is lucky to have even survived the crash.”

“How did this happen!” The words came out choked with anger and sadness. My sweet James. Then it hit me. They were talking about me! I had been in an accident? I was in the hospital? Christmas is tomorrow I have so much to do still, I don’t have time to be lying in a hospital bed. I need to get out of here!

I yell “I’m fine, everything is ok, I feel great,” but there is only silence.

“The EMT that brought her in said a drunk driver drove right into her car pushing her off the bridge into the traffic below. He did not survive.”

“Will she be ok, Doctor? When will she wake up? Is there anything I can do?” I could hear some strength returning to James’ voice.

“I’m sorry but we do not know at this time. Your wife has a lot of swelling around her brain. The only thing we can do now is wait. Sometimes coma patients can hear us, you could try to talk to her. Maybe hearing the voices of your children could help bring her out of it. I’ll leave you alone now.”

I could feel James sit down on the hospital bed next to me and take my hand. “Grace, why did you have to go out to buy more stuff. We had plenty of everything. Why did you have to leave, it’s Christmas Eve for Heaven’s sake.” I felt a wet tear on my hand. “I can’t do this alone; I need you.”

The door creaks open and I hear another familiar voice say, “Hey brother, how is she doing? I brought the kids, but are you sure you want them to see Grace like this?”

“Thank you, Ally. Yes, please bring them in. The doctor said it might help her.” James goes back to stroking my hand.

A few minutes pass before my two little angels come running in and jump on top of me. “Mommy, Mommy. Please wake up, please. It’s almost Christmas.” I want to cry. All I want is to be able to put my arms around my twin little boys and hold them forever.

“She’s not going to wake up. It was more important for mom to have the most perfect Christmas on Instagram then to just stay home and play with us. Now dad will marry some evil woman and he will die too, and we will be enslaved orphans serving our evil stepmother the rest of our lives. Thanks mom.” I felt a sharp jolt of pain shoot through my body as my 10-year-old daughter’s words sink in.

The boys started wailing “We don’t want to be orphans and serve an evil lady.”

“Boys, Boys. Your sister is being dramatic. Your daddy is right here, and your mom is going to wake up soon, ok. Let’s calm down. Crying isn’t going to help your mom get better now, is it?” Ally was able to soothe the boys, but I couldn’t stop thinking about what my daughter Lucy had said. Did she really think I prioritized social media over them? Everything I did was for them.

“Come here Lucy.” James pulled our daughter towards him. “Look at me, your mother loves you very much. Neither of us are going anywhere. Yes, your mother likes everything to look perfect, and we all know she loves to take way too many pictures, but she does it for you. She just wants it to be perfect and magical, so you’ll always remember it.” I appreciate his effort to defend me, but I can’t stop the guilt from pitting in my stomach.

A knock at the door silences everyone. “I’m sorry, but visiting hours are over. The doctor will call if there are any major updates through the night.” The nurse comes over to check the IV in my arm. I want her to rip it out. I want to jump up and say I’m awake! Don’t go! Still, no words leave my mouth.

After everyone leaves. I’m left alone with my own thoughts and the guilt eats at me. I spent the last few years so focused on what my kids were wearing, how I decorated the house, how trendy their gifts would be and how people would see me. Instead of focusing on how my kids were feeling. Did they even feel loved, noticed, and appreciated? Have I really been that blind? What if I never wake up? What if my kids only remember me as being a perfectionist that didn’t care about them? I can’t let that happen!

“Please God, if you can hear me, please help me! For my children! So that I may have a second chance! Please I am begging.”

Suddenly, a voice bellows out at the end of my bed, “Hello, Grace, open your eyes and get up.” I am freaking out but do as I am told. I open my eyes and get up. A glowing figure is standing and looking at me. He then looks back at the bed. I follow his gaze and see my body still lying there. Now I am really freaking out. Am I dreaming? Or did I die.

“Are you, um, God?”

“No Grace. I am your guardian Angel.”

“Am I dead?”

“No.”

“What is going on?”

“Take my hand.” The angel reaches out his hand and I take it.

In a flash we are standing in my house. All three of my kids and James are huddled together on the floor by the Christmas tree. I look around and see that the house is exactly how I had left it. Everything was still perfectly placed. The staged table hasn’t been touched. Not a single dirty dish lay out. I even noticed that their coats and shoes were nowhere to be seen.

“Why haven’t they eaten?” I asked out allowed.

“They are afraid to mess anything up in case you wake up and come home.”

I run over to the tree. “Go eat, make a mess, be kids!” Tears welled at my eyes.

“They cannot hear you. Come, I want to show you another home.”

He took my hand again and instantly we are in someone’s home I do not know.

“Whose house is this?”

“It is a young woman’s home who follows you on Instagram.”

I look around, the house was a mess, I could hear crying and yelling in the background. “If Grace can have three kids and keep her house spotless and decorated so nice, and always dress so perfectly, why can’t we! Why do you all have to fight me. You are ruining Christmas; our house is so messy, and you’ve ruined your clothes!”

I stare in disbelief. My heart aches for this mother and her kids. I want to run to the woman and tell her stop, it is not worth it, your kids are only young once and you only get a brief time to enjoy this. I was wrong, perfection and perfect photos are not something to strive for when you have a young family. Enjoying the moments, the messes, the laughter, that is what is really important.

I turn to the Angel, “Please I want to fix this. I cannot believe how wrong I’ve been. I want to enjoy my family and teach them what’s really important in life.”

He takes my hand again and we are back in the hospital room. Then he vanishes.

……….

“Her eyes are opening!” The nurse calls to the doctor.

The Doctor walks over. “Grace, can you hear me?” He shines his light into my eyes.

“Yes! Where is James and the kids?”

“They are right outside waiting for visiting hours. Let’s do another CT of your head then I will let them in.” He wheeled me into the radiology room.

Was last night a dream? It doesn’t matter either way all I want to do is get out of here and be a better mother, one my children deserved.

Once we were back in the hospital room James and the kids were waiting for me with flowers. “Merry Christmas Mommy! We are so happy you are awake. We made sure everything is perfect for you when you get home, just the way you like it.” My boys ran to me. All of the tears that have been threating to spill all morning, came flooding out.

“I love all of you so much. You are all more than perfect just the way you are. I am so sorry for making you feel like I cared more about perfection then you.” I gave the boys another squeeze.

Lucy started crying too and put her arms around me. “I’m so glad you woke up mom. I love you.”

I sat there holding the three of them and just breathing in the moment. Then I remembered that there was one more thing I wanted to. “Has anyone seen my phone?” James handed me the phone. I opened the camera to record a video.

“Mom you aren’t wearing any makeup, and you aren’t even wearing real clothes.” Lucy pointed at my hospital gown.

“It’s ok, from now on perfection is being real in the moment.” I hold up the camera and start filming. “Merry Christmas everyone. I wanted to just hop on here this morning to say: Let your day be messy. Don’t worry about the dishes, they will still be there after the kids go to bed. What makes Christmas magical is celebrating the joy, spending time with your family, helping others. I was wrong when I thought everyone’s Christmas should look like a William-Sonoma magazine and sharing it on Instagram. If it causes you to lose sight of what is really important then it's not worth it. I almost lost everything and, in the end, the only thing I wanted was them.” I turned the camera around, so my family was in the frame. “They are the most perfect and most important to me. Love you all, Merry Christmas!” I powered off my phone and put it down.

I look around the room. “Waking up this Christmas morning in this plain hospital room, wearing an unflattering hospital gown, no makeup and messy hair, is the best Christmas morning I have ever had, I am alive, I am with all of you, and I can have a second chance to be the wife and mom I want to be for you.” I pull James, Lucy, and the twins in for a long hug. I gaze into each of their faces with happiness overwhelming. Then I notice someone standing in the doorway. My guardian Angel. He gives me a wink. I smile “Thank you.”

The End