An Adult Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

I know I’ve been saying for a while that I will call, or text, or even write. Life has been so busy I haven't had the time to do any of those things, no matter how often I tell my children I will. Sometimes I think they try to keep me busy on purpose, so I don't have the opportunity to. I'm sure you can figure out why as you see everything. Now that I have a moment to myself, I figured it was time to truly reach out. There are just a few things I want to discuss with you, and I hope you take the time to consider them all. It really isn't anything major. I'm just making sure we are on the same page to ensure a fantastic holiday for everyone.

First, my children have been fairly good this year. If I could put emphasis on the word FAIRLY, to make it clear that they do in fact deserve to have a Christmas. Maybe one small piece of coal could end up in the bottom of their stocking underneath everything else, just to remind them of how serious it is when they don't behave? My biggest request is can we refrain from an obscene amount of presents because we do not have the room. If I step on one more lego the bottom of my feet will no longer exist. I’d also like to request quiet gifts this year, for my sanity. If that’s not possible, then feel free to “forget” to bring batteries to go with them. It is important that I also remain on the nice list, so I'm hoping that isn't too much to ask.

Second, we need to discuss your elves on the shelves. They’re cute. Sometimes they are really funny and other times mischievous. My children love them and get a kick out of their tricks. However, originally it was just one. Then that one brought a friend and I wasn’t notified about the plus one. If they keep destroying my house though, I’m going to charge them rent. They’ve climbed my lights, messed with our tree, I stepped in what I had been hoping was melted chocolate. Next time they return to you, please discuss with them the importance of picking up after themselves. If you could also let them know that as much as my children love the sweet treats they bring back, my children on sugar will end up bringing the whole house down.

Also, we need to discuss the boyfriend. There has to be something you can do to get through to him. I have dropped hint after hint and I don’t think he is picking up on it. I mean, how many times do I have to point out the jewelry commercials? How many more episodes of Say Yes to the Dress is he going to watch with me? I’ve shown him wedding post after wedding post from friends on the internet. I’ve even mentioned what kind of wedding we could have. Do I have to spell it out for him? Ring, R-I-N-G. Wife, W-I-F-E. If he doesn’t get the hint, I am requesting coal. It’s the only way, I’m afraid. However, if he does get the hint, he is deserving of the world and nothing less.

That’s what I want from him. I think it’s perfect timing for me to bring to your attention some of the things I would like from you for Christmas. It’s really just a small list, nothing too crazy. This year I would like my student loans to be paid in full. It is honestly the best time while COVID relief is still in effect and they aren't tacking on all of my interest. We honestly don't know how long that will go on for and I think it's a great opportunity to really save some money. I would also like my credit card debt to miraculously disappear. So I wanted to splurge a little bit, is it really fair to punish me with monthly payments around the holidays? Another small thing on my list is for the housing market to crash so I can get a beautiful four-bedroom two-bathroom home within my budget. I don't know what your bathroom situation is like in the North Pole with all of those elves, but having ONE bathroom with three kids and a man in the house is not enough. Oh, maybe a dog too, again nothing too crazy.

Finally, I just need you to do one more thing. It will probably be the easiest thing for you to accomplish out of all that I have asked. If you could please make sure that everyone I love and care about receives everything they could ever want and need this year, I would greatly appreciate it. They all deserve to have the best holiday ever, even if I can't personally give it to them.

With Love,

Me

P.S. I promise not to write again for a long time, for your sanity.