All Things Fall Into Place

Traveling at night

The night was upon us. Like my favorite blanket, the sky above looked thick, dark, andvelvet. The wind waged a relentless war against all who was mad enough to stay on theupper deck. It stroked my uncovered face with its icy fingers. It whispered a cold breeze of brisk secrets into my ears. It left a rosy, dry mark on my cheeks.

Next to me one of my companions tossed a half smoked cigarette over the fence bordering the deck all around its edge. He leaned against the fence, watching the cigarette but falling downwards into the water. A burst of wind exhausted the shimmering light and drifted the butt away from the ferry until it had completely disappeared in the dark. Still, nodoubt, sooner or later it would be swallowed up by the harboring sea beneath us.

“Damn,” Dave said, “this is nasty.”

I did not know Dave very well. He was just another lost soul on the road on his way from

one place to another. He seemed to be a few years younger than I was. He had something innocent about him – he seemed to be unaware of the fact that one place is just like any other. Such a revelation comes only for those having been on the move long enough, for the tired wanderers of Earth, for people such as me.

“I mean the weather,” he added after a while. He had something uneasy about his tone. He seemed to beg for an answer.

“Have seen lot worse,” I declared as heartily as possible. We both laughed, although there was nothing very funny about it.

Our cruise was about halfway crossing the channel, another hour of voyage ahead of us. Behind, I could see the lights all along the coastline. It was not just the port where the ferry had been loaded. There were other cities and towns all connected by glowing, shimmering lines – the illuminated roads were stretching among them like huge, well-fed snakes lazily, everywhere on the long shore.

And if I turned, I could have stared ahead. And ahead, it would be just the same. Except maybe that it was a different country – people spoke a different language, the food was different, and probably the price of the petrol a little bit lower. Other than that, nothing distinguishable, at least from here, from the upper deck of the ferry, I could not tell a single difference. Lights, roads, towns, and cities – so many of them behind me, and just as many ahead.

Dave lighted another cigarette. His hands were trembling, probably because of the chill. In one of them he held a lighter. In the other, his index and long finger clenched the cigarette. With the other two fingers and the thumb, he squeezed the half empty pack in his palm.

Before slipping the pack back into his pocket, he offered me a stub.

“It is bad for your health,” I said, nevertheless took one.

Another flat laugh slipped out of his mouth. He put the pack away and gave over the lighter. A tiny spark, then a small flame dancing. It provided warmth only for a split second, but it was warmth and my hands felt to come alive after a long spell spent in hibernation. Lighting it is by far the best part of smoking a cigarette. I inhaled.

“It is from my country,” Dave said, “tastes like some fine cigar, but not too strong at all.”

He was right.

“Yeah,” I told him, “this is really something.”

After a little while spent in silence, I added, “I would not mind buying a pack.”

Dave was all over the place with hastiness. He fished the half full pack out of his pocket.

“You can keep this,” he said.

“How much?”

He seemed abashed, almost insulted. He smiled a scandalous little smile.

“Just keep it,” he said.

And just like that we kept up the small talk. I suspected, that as much as he reminded me

of my younger self, I was a sort of a future self for him.

What a bad influence, an unworthy role model. My life was a sort of chasing a dream. And the longer the chase went on, the less clear I became on the point what that dream exactly was about. A long journey cleanses a man's soul until there is nothing left but the raw experience of living – surviving against all odds and always being occupied solely by what was being done at the given moment.

We kept on talking and smoked one cigarette after the other like some pros. This time around I was offering the stubs for him. Every now and then we laughed. Time just passed by so fast, we finished the half pack without realizing that the ferry was about to hit its destination.

After the last drag, we flung the last butts over the fence, turned around and walked downthe stairs leading inside the ferry. On the garage level, we found our car, and our other two traveling mates. They had already taken their seats inside the car. We hopped on and fastened the belts. Green light was granted, and we rolled out of the ship onto the road.

We were free and fast on the move – the heating in the car was turned up, so we felt comfortable as well. Still, a strange kind of silence fell upon us. As much as I knew, Dave must had the idea as well. He was going to jump out in the next city – he had a job waiting for him there. No matter how much we became buddies on the upper deck, chances were slim that we were going to talk to each other ever again.

When he jumped out of the car, he said a loud goodbye to all of us. He seemed cheerful and excited, he was full of pep and juice. He needed this kind of boost – he needed to keep up his optimism, even if the job he was about to get was somewhat dull, even odd.

I watched him walking away without a smile on my face. I felt low and I did not mind feeling that way. I did not need to remain high in spirits.

After all, unlike Dave, I was going home.

An airport reunion

The funny thing about my family was that it raised certain kind of expectations for the offspring – it might be that this was the case with all the families out there, but I never had any other than my own, and in my own, this was the case.