All I Have Left

“Where is it?!” I shouted at no one in particular.

Everyone in the room turned to stare at me. There weren’t many left in the group. We’d managed to find the old barn in a forgotten farm. Here we made shelter.

I’d tossed my mat and and few items I carried with me, looking for it. The only thing I’d managed to hold onto when the world ended. The only thing I had left of the time before.

I flopped myself back down on the edge of my cot. Head in my hands I tried to think of the last time I’d seen it. I didn’t take it out often, kept it hidden for safety’s sake. No one in the barn really knew I had it.

Except for Tom.

He’s seen it in my hand one night. I took it out to remind me, just to feel it’s weight in my hand. I didn’t know anyone else was awake. I caught him staring at it.

I looked up, searched the room for his form. We all had our stories. What we told people about ourselves versus what the truth was. I knew Tom was a liar, because he wasn’t good at it.

I found him standing by the barn door, watching though the gap as the sun set. His hands were in his pockets and he had his dirty old knapsack on his shoulder.

I shoved him in the back with both hands, harder than I intended, he almost lost his footing as he stumbled forward. His shoulder smacked the door. “Where is it?” I growled at him.

“What the hell?” He responded, angry. “Where is what?!”

“You know what I’m talking about. You saw it.” I said, “You stated at it. I know it was you and I want it back.”

“I ain’t got anything of yours!” He said. “Everything I own I got fair and square!”

“Liar, you haven’t done anything fair and square your whole life!” I yelled, shoving him again. “Give it BACK!”

“Hey, now.” Marley was a small framed, older woman with long white hair she kept in a long braid down her back. “No fighting.” She said calmly. “What’s going on?” Marley was the unofficial leader if the group. I’d never seen her hotheaded in the time I’d been with them.

“He took something I’d mine and I want it back.” I told her calmly, the. Glared at Tom.

“I took nothing!” Tim yelled, squinting back at me.

“What makes you think Tom took something from you?”

“He saw me with it one night. He’s the only one whose seen it and he’s the only one who knew about it to take it!”

“What is it?” Marley asked. “What’s so special that one might take it.”

I hesitated. It was my secret. We all had them, and I wanted to keep mine, all of them. But this one especially. Money is not existent. Trading things of value is the only means of buying or obtaining things you cannot make—or steal—for yourself.

And a heart shaped locket, a gold heart shaped locket was most definitely valuable. It didn’t matter that my real name was engraved in the back. It didn’t matter the pictures on the inside.

We’d all given up so much, we want to keep a little piece of the past, a physical treasure we can hold and touch. Feel the weight if in our hands.

The locket was mine. It’s all had left of who I was, who I would never be again. Maybe it was time to let go.

I started to speak when I felt a tug on my shirttail.

“I’m sorry,” a small voice said as I turned around. I looked down at her dirty face, wide brown eyes stared up at me. She held out a closed hand covered in old fingerless gloves. I opened mine beneath hers and felt something drop.

I looked her in the eyes in surprise. “It’s the prettiest thing I ever saw.” She whispered. “I just wanted to see it. I’m sorry.” She apologized again. She looked down and started to turn away.

I put a gentle hand on her shoulder. She couldn’t have been old enough for memories when the world ended. “Come on,” I said, “we’ll look at it together.”

Before walking her to my little spot in the barn, I turned to Tom. I gave a small nod, which he returned, and the girl and I walked away.

I could probably trade the trinket for food or clean less worn clothes. Something I could use. And perhaps, eventually, I’ll have too. Eventually I might even be okay with it.

But for now, my heart cannot take losing it.