Alex

“There are not nearly enough words in the English language to properly explain death. The loss, the pain, the hurt, the emptiness that one feels when that avenue of love has been shut forever, when someone that you could hug one day has become but a memory the next. This is what it means to be human and there is no escaping it, for without loss there is no love and without love there is no life.”

ALEX

Written By Jack Newell

Mum gave me this book today, she called it a diary and said that I should start using it to write things down that I see during the day so I guess I’ll start now. I see my bed and Max on it, mum bought me a dog collar for Max. She said that even though he’s a toy he needs a collar. Alex, my big brother had a grey wolf he called Josh when he was younger that he still has, he mainly just sits in the corner of his room on the floor, he said that he’s too big for toys now. I see Alex asleep in his room next to mine. He’s been starting to get sick again but mum says that it’s not as bad as last time. Write more tomorrow.

*

Had our last day of school today for the rest of the year. Alex said that he’s feeling better and that maybe soon we can play together again. It’s getting colder here and mum says soon it might snow. I hope it does so that we can walk on the pond next to our house again. Last year me and Alex made a hole in the ice and went fishing in it with our own fishing rods that we made with sticks. I hope Alex gets better, since he came back from the hospital he’s changed. Alex is asleep in his room, mum keeps his door open now.

*

It snowed! Mum says that the pond might not freeze over this year but if it does she will let Alex take me on it to play again! I spent most of the day inside reading and drawing with Alex. Mum cried today when I asked Alex what he wanted to be when he finished High School. I don’t know what that means. Alex is asleep next to me. I’m on his floor, mum says that it helps him sleep.

*

Spent most of the day in the hospital today. We came back home late. Mum keeps crying and when I ask her what is wrong she smiles at me but says nothing. I don’t really know what is happening but Alex looks more tired today. I’m lying on his bedroom floor writing this, I hope he gets better soon.

*

Michael, a friend of Alex's, came over today with his mum. Mum and her spent most of the day in the kitchen talking. We hung out in Alex’s room and he and Michael talked a lot but Alex spent most of the day in bed. I hope he can get better so that we can play on the frozen pond soon.

*

A doctor came to the house today because Alex couldn’t get out of his bed. All I remember is Alex holding onto my hand really tight as the man put needles in his arm. Mum stroked his head and cried. When the doctor left mum sat me down and told me that Alex might be going away soon. I don’t understand. Alex is asleep in the bed next to me and mum is on a chair next to him.

*

Mum spent most of the day on the phone today, she said something about Alex not getting better. She said that we might have to go back to the hospital soon. I picked up Josh, his toy wolf, from the floor and gave it to Alex, he smiled at me and tucked it under his arm. I asked if we could play on the pond soon and he looked really sad. I might sleep on Alex’s floor tonight mum said he would like that.

*

Alex didn’t wake up today. Mum cried in the morning and wouldn’t get up from the floor. Some men came into our house and took Alex away and that made it worse for mum. She spent the night on the phone, she was shaking a lot. I put Josh, Alex’s wolf toy, on his bed.

*

I haven’t written in a while, we went to a cemetery today and mum dressed me in black. Everyone there was crying and hugging each other, Mum’s face was scrunched up the whole time and people that I have never met before were hugging me. When we got home grandpa said that the pond had frozen over enough to walk on it. We walked on it for a bit and then we went inside to see mum. When I went into my room, Josh the wolf was on my bed next to Max.

*

I spent the day on the pond today, I made a hole in the ice and found a stick to make into a fishing rod. It’s not the same without Alex.

*

I saw Alex tonight. He stood at the end of my bed and smiled at me. I ran and told mum but she just yelled and got really mad.

*

I spent the day outside in the snow today. It wasn’t as cold as it looked. Alex and I actually got to play on the pond today! He said that he was sorry that he was gone but I told him that if he was gone why could I see him. He said that I wouldn’t understand. I told mum when I came inside who I played with and she cried again and got really mad. I don’t think I’ll tell her again. Found Josh the wolf on my bed again. I think it’s Alex playing tricks on me so I put him back on Alex’s bed to keep the game going.

*

Another day on the pond. We talked about what could be under the ice and tried to go fishing again but didn’t catch anything. I think we need food on the end of our sticks for the fish to nibble on. Alex said that there could be dinosaurs under it. Grandpa came over today and talked to me about the pond. I told him that I played with Alex on it and he got sad and stopped talking for a while. He told me that Alex had gone to a better place far away. I hope he hasn’t and that I can play with him again tomorrow. Found Josh the wolf on my bed again today so I hid him in Alex’s room so Alex can’t find him this time!

*

I haven’t written in a while because me and Alex have been busy making snowmen on the pond. A woman came to our house today and sat in our loungeroom, mum and grandpa were there as well and the lady asked me questions about Alex and the pond. Mum got really sad again when I told the lady that we play together. The woman just wrote a lot of things down and left. Mum dropped a plate while making dinner after, she said it was because her hands were shaking, Grandpa took me for a walk and said that mum needed some space. I found Josh on my bed again! Alex found him! I want to tell mum that I’m not the one moving Josh but I don’t want to make her sad again.

*

Alex sat me down and told me that soon he wouldn’t be around to play with anymore. I told him that I didn’t understand and he just smiled. Alex told me about High School and that one day I would be big enough to go. He asked me if I told mum about us playing. I told him that it just makes mum cry and he said that it was just because mum loves us very much. He told me that he’s the one that puts Josh on my bed!

*

The lady came back today to talk to me. Mum sat next to me with Grandpa and asked me more about Alex. I told her the truth and mum got upset again. I told the lady what Alex said about why mum cries, that it’s because she loves us and mum walked out of the room. The woman wrote on her paper and then left. Grandpa put me to bed.

*

Alex was at the pond today and that made me happy. We walked into the forest next to the pond and made houses out of sticks. Mine had a little fence and a roof made out of leaves. I went and got my toys from my room so I could put them in my house. Alex buried Action Man up to his head in the snow near my house, it was funny. Alex said that if there was anything I wanted to talk about that I could with him. I asked why that woman was asking me questions and writing it down. He said that she wanted to help me and mum and that sometimes we have to lie so that we don’t hurt people. Alex told me that next time the woman comes over to tell her that I just play by myself outside now and that Alex has gone away.

*

Mum took me to Grandpa’s house today. I always like going there because the whole house smells like Pa. We just watched movies and Grandpa taught me how to make spaghetti. When I showed mum she looked happy for the first time in a while. I don’t want to make her sad again. I thought of what Alex said, sometimes we have to lie so that we don’t hurt the people we love.

*

The lady came over again today, she asked me about Alex and I told her that he had gone to a better place. Mum looked at me for a long time and started crying but she was smiling. Mum looked at Grandpa and he cried too. I think I did the right thing, I don’t want to hurt them anymore.

*

I went outside today and the pond had cracks all over it. I went to step on it but the ice broke. I couldn’t find Alex today so I just built a snowman on the side of the pond and went back inside. Mum seems happier tonight.

*

I looked for Alex again today but couldn’t find him. The pond is really melted now. Alex stopped putting Josh on my bed.

*

Alex wasn’t outside again, I even went to the forest and checked our houses, they both had fallen over and I found Action Man under some snow, Alex wasn’t there either. I don’t know where he is but mum says that school is starting soon.

*

It’s the last day of school holidays today. I haven’t seen Alex in about a week. I miss him.

*

Just got back from my first day of school for the year. I think I made a friend, mum said that he can come over this weekend if I want. School is fun and my teacher is really nice. We made name tags for our desks and got to decorate it, mine has my name on it and Dracula stickers all over it. There were other monster stickers but I like Dracula.

*

Mitch, my new friend came over yesterday. I think we’re going to be best friends. The lady visited today and I told her the truth, that I haven’t seen Alex in weeks. After she left Mum said that the lady might not come back, mum looks happy these days. She keeps Alex’s room tidy. I don’t know where Alex went but I hope that wherever he is that he’s happy.