After-care part 2

“Don’t put me on a pedestal, Charlie, please. I’m not perfect, I’m not some great design,” Pim had said that morning.

Charlie thought back to that conversation when the day had started. Two major events had occurred that made Charlie’s head go for a deeper swim than he had done with Pim in the sea that whole day.

One clarified everything. One clarified nothing. The juxtaposition of both sides was what made Charlie more confused than ever before.

Back to that morning, Charlie woke up gripping the phone. He had Pim’s soft voice dancing in his head, singing that song, Bluebird by Paul McCartney, and it made him smile as soon as he woke up.

He saw a few text messages from two chats. One was the company chat. The other was Pim.

Charlie saw on the company group chat 💬 that Mr. Boss sent everyone a message:

(Mr.B) Today is take your friend to a fun place and chill day! So go find that special friend 😊 smile it’s an ORDER. Don’t disobey your BOSS. Or ELSE 🤨😜😜😜😜

(Allan) Ohhh thank yew Mastor. You’re so kind🙂🙃

(Glep) gloopdeeglleeeedabippidiboppifo

(Pim) Oh Glep that’s so nice to invite Allan to go to karaoke with you!🥰🥰🥰🥰

(Allan): Yesh I love to Glep thnks for the invite man

Charlie shook his head but typed:

(Char) Oh cool thnks boss!

Immediately, he saw the boss typing.

(Mr.B) Remember it’s a requirement for you guys to find your special friend & make them Smile 😃

Charlie rolled his eyes. Then he saw Pim had messaged him on a separate chat.

He had their private conversation marked as (Pimmy):

(Pimmy):Hey Charlie wanna go out with me to the beach 🏖️ ✨

He typed back:

(Char): Yes sure

—-

Charlie realized only after typing yes that he had not fully recovered or properly processed that weird sexual dream he had about Pim. Not only that, but he had called Pim immediately afterwards and cried. Cried! He felt so embarrassed. Ashamed. He knew that Pim would never think less of him but still. It was definitely a mess—-well, he was a mess. And… he had called Pim precious.

Charlie cursed and threw his phone on the bed frustrated with himself.

As he walked to go to the bathroom, his phone rang.

”Damnit,” he said as he picked up his phone. It was Pim.

But he answered, even though he heart was in my his throat.

”Pim? Hey, hey man.”

”Heya Charlie! How are you feeling? Are you doing better?”

”No,” he answered honestly.

“Ah, no? Oh no. That’s terrible news. I’m sorry,” Pim said sadly.

”You did make me feel better last night, though,” Charlie added.

“Aww! Yay!” Pim cheered.

”When do you want to go to the beach, bro? I just woke up. You’re already cheering it’s…” he looked at his phone and saw the time. “Six am.”

”I awaken with the sun!” Pim responded with a gleeful sigh.

”Ah, Pim you had that, uh, backwards. I think the sun wakes up because of you!”

Pim giggled. “You’re right. I think.”

”Can you pick me up? I’m tired. But I’ll chill out with you on the beach,” Charlie said, yawning deeply. After that phone call with Pim, he slept so good.

”Oh, golly, sure! You need a coffee or something to eat before I come over?” Pim exclaimed.

”Dude you’re good. I appreciate it, Pim.”

“Are you absolutely surrre?” Pim said with a sing-song voice. Charlie laughed.

”Yeah. Dude, let me get ready. In like thirty minutes? Is that cool?” Charlie asked, feeling pumped up.

”Sure, Charlie.”

Charlie felt a pang of excitement rush through him. The way Pim sang that song to him last night, holy smokes. It was like all the corny love songs and love scenes of every single movie and show were created in that moment.

“How are you so wonderful, Pim?” he blurted out.

”Um, what.. do you mean, Charlie?”

Charlie gulped, not expecting that tense of an answer. The tone completely shifted.

“You’re… a great guy, you know. It’s just.. you never do anything wrong. You never hurt anyone. It’s just.. I guess I.. think you’re incredible,” Charlie was slowly realizing that his high from last night’s phone conversation was wearing off. Reality was sinking.

He was still with Zoey. Pim was his best friend.

The silence was killing him.

Finally, Pim spoke.

“Don’t put me on a pedestal, Charlie, please. I’m not perfect, I’m not some great design,” Pim said gently, but firmly.

Charlie felt physically smacked by the moral weight of that statement.

“Uh, okay. Sorry man. You’re right. No one’s perfect,” Charlie muttered out, feeling hot from embarrassment.

“Charlie… I don’t mean… I didn’t mean to admonish you. I’m sorry too.”

Charlie sighed. “No problem.”

“It’s just… I’ve been stepped on by so many people my life. It’s hard. But, you’ve never done that, I didn’t mean it like that. Oh jeez! I don’t know what I’m trying to say. I’ll pick you up in about a half hour. Okay?” Pim rambled. Charlie sighed, feeling anxious about everything.

Charlie gripped the phone. He looked over at his messy room, his messy life and his own reflection in the mirror in the room.

He looked messy. Hair everywhere, hat tilted, stained shirt.

“Uh, Pim? I gotta do something first. Is an hour too long?”

”Uh, no. That’s ok. I’ll see you in an hour,” Pim said with an obviously, slightly less peppy voice.

“Ok. Thanks dude. See you soon,” Charlie said and they said goodbye.

Charlie took in a huge breath, steeling himself for his next move.

He knew he needed to do this. But it was still so hard. He had been with Zoey for almost a half a year. She had been a source of consistency and comfort. Almost a source of Charlie’s confidence. But the arguments, the misunderstandings and the sheer lack of real substance in their daily communication just made Charlie feel like this was going nowhere fast.

He called up Zoey.

”Hey,” she answered.

”Hey Zoey. Can.. can we talk?

”I have a bad feeling. No one starts out a conversation like that without it being bad,” Zoey said with a sigh.

”I know. It’s… I’m sorry. Can we meet? Coffee?” Charlie said with a stutter.

”Sure. Mipbucks?” She asked.

”Ok. I’ll get you what you usually order,” Charlie offered.

”Nah. I’m fine,” she said in a cool tone.

Charlie asked her how she was. She barely responded above a, “Meh, ok.”

“Ok, see you there. I’ll be there in about ten minutes,” he said, realizing the phone conversation was going no where.

“Okay. Bye,” she said and hung up.

He hurriedly took a quick, three minute rinse of a shower, got dressed, packed a towel (for the beach), his wallet and keys, hurriedly driving to the cafe.

He knew it was shitty to break up with someone over the phone. Zoey deserved at least a face to face conversation.

When they got there, he ordered a normal brewed coffee with milk, sitting down at a table. When Zoey arrived, she looked tired, her red hair in a messy bun.

”Hey, babe,” Charlie said, standing up. She leaned in as they gave each other a chaste kiss.

”Hey, Charlie,” she said with a weak smile as she sat down.

”Did you sleep okay last night?” She asked.

”No. Not really. You?” He asked.

”I slept ok. I woke up with a headache,” she said, sighing.

”You want a drink? Eat?” He asked, feeling bad for making her come out.

“Charlie, seriously… what is it? What do you need to say?” She leaned her head against her hand, looking exhausted and sad.

”Zoey, you’re…” he took in a shaky breath. “You have been there for me and I know that things between us have changed. They are just.. not great. For either of us. I don’t know what is the key thing here but between us… it’s..” He looked at Zoey, wavering between care and dignity verses shame and despair.

“You want to break up,” she concluded. “Don’t you?”

Charlie nodded his head. “You deserve better. Better than me.”

She gave him a brow-raise and a side glance, “Come on, Charlie. Let’s not do that. That’s shitty. I always thought you thought better of me. That I know what I want. I don’t need someone to talk me down.”

Charlie gave her an affirmative nod. “You’re right. We’re both adults.”

”Yeah. So… is there someone else?” She asked, looking down.

Charlie grimaced. “Zoey come on. I wouldn’t do that to you.”

”No, I know you’ve been loyal. I meant… if there is someone else,” she clarified, looking at him sullenly.

Charlie bit his lip. Immediately he thought of Pim.

“No. That.. that’s not what this is about. Zoey, I love you. I’ll always love and care for you. You have been there. You have tried. But.. and I know you don’t wanna hear this but you really do deserve better…”

Zoey gave him an angry look. “Damn it, Charlie. I loved you. I honestly thought we’d make it.”

He felt so guilty but he couldn’t lead her on. He knew if they decided to offhandedly stay together they would just be going with the motions but there wouldn’t be any spark, any chance of them getting on the same wavelength. It was always off balance.

”Me too. Honestly, me too, Zoey. But, we aren’t… we.. something about us feels like we aren’t balanced. You want different things. I’m just an idiot who wants to work, chill out, just let things be. You have motivation, intelligence. I am keeping you down.”

Zoey sighed. “Charlie you don’t keep me down.”

”Zoey…” he almost cried, shaking his head. Zoey leaned forward, taking his hand.

”I love you,” he repeated. “It’s not that. We have great chemistry, we chill, laugh. We play video games. I just… I don’t think I’m in love with you. It’s not because of you, though. You’re great. You’re awesome, it’s just… I don’t wanna lead you on,” Charlie finally mustered to say to her all along.

She squeezed his hand, getting up. Charlie also stood up.

”I get it. You’ve been great too, Charlie,” she said with a tear streaming down her cheek.

They embraced calmly, and she smiled softly at him.

”Trust me when I say I know this is.. cliche, but I do want to still be friends,” Zoey said.

He nodded. “Me too.”

They parted ways. Charlie cried for a few minutes in his car.

”Fuck. This sucks. Sucks. Just… sucks..” he muttered incoherently in his palms, crying for multiple reasons. Zoey, the breakup, his life feeling so uneasy and lonely for so long.

And then, Pim. God, if only Pim was far away. Like in Australia. Then he would never feel such heartache. Such pain. But he realized the truth.

This pain was not just pain, it was there because of something important. A real connection with a real, genuine, gentle person. They’ve known each other for over seven years.

Charlie knows that Pim would risk his life for him. And vice versa. Charlie would never let harm come to his best friend.

They’ve been deep in the shit together, rescuing each other from Mother Nature, evil wizards that are balding, you name it.

He wiped his eyes, sighing as he chugged the rest of his coffee.

He saw it was almost an hour since he talked to Pim, calling him up.

”Hey Charlie,” Pim said, picking up.

”Um, hey. So I’m already in my car. I had to see Zoey but.. I can meet you at the beach now. Sound good?” Charlie explained.

”Um, sure. Whatever works. Charlie, are you alright? You sound like you have been crying.”

Charlie sniffled, then cleared his throat. “I broke up with her.”

”Oh Charlie. I’m sorry. Do you need anything? We can .. we don’t have to go the beach.”

”No man. I can go. I have my trunks on. Underneath my pants. So we can do,” Charlie shared, feeling warm in his face.

”Aw, okay. Weird that you just didn’t wear your trunks. But ok! See you soon,” Pim said.

”I had to meet Zoey at a cafe,” Charlie explained. “Wouldn’t I look kinda pervy with just swim trunks on at a cafe?”

”Haha, Charlie. You’re silly.”

“I’m just silly, you know that,” Charlie repeated, feeling emboldened by being a bachelor again, even as it felt like a fresh scar.

”You’re a silly goose! I think I know you, Charlie. You wanna let loose. Huh?” Pim teased.

”Maybe! We can go with the flow. The silly flow,” Charlie teased back.

”Oh well, that’s my plan. To keep you silly,” Pim joked, with a soft air of laughter following.

”I think you’ll find I can be quite.. ah, dude, no, man. I think the silliness left me. I’m now a conservative freak who lets my internalized toxic religious views dictate my own personal life…” Charlie joked and Pim cracked up.

”You’re crazy, Charlie. See you soon.”

Charlie grinned, getting off the phone as he drove past the city in a new sort of relief.

Charlie put on Bluebird by Paul McCartney, from his iPhone speaker.

The breakup had happened. It clarified a lot of uncomfortable truths to Charlie. He needed fresh ground to make or break.

Unfortunately the second thing clarified nothing. Pim was usually so easy to read. But lately? It seems difficult to impossible to read Pim’s reactions to things. The pedestal comment left Charlie on a loop of logical impracticality and more emotional clarity, but in all cases, he felt more lost than anything.

He saw Pim waving to him on the beach.

It wasn’t an answer. It didn’t break new ground. But it did help him start feeling like he could start healing.