Adolf Hitler Eternal Therapy Session 669

Lucifer Morningstar sits behind a black mahogany desk, typing away in a sleek grey Google Chromebook. He has moon-shaped spectacles over his red eyes, the blacks of his stained white with exhaustion. A large counter over his head continuously ticks up in number to larger and larger numbers.

9,547,321,945... 9,547,321,948... 9,547,321,957...

Every second, more souls are damned. Redemption is slow. Hell is a waiting room. Eternal torture was something the humans brought about themselves, and his demons were only too happy to deliver the punishment these humans sublimely thought they deserved. But there was always a chance one soul, now and then, would redeem. Forgive themselves, and reach for the light.

And then he could stop listening to their sorry, sniveling, pathetic, bitching.

He growls in frustration when the door to his office flings open. His red eyes narrow as Adolf Hitler steps into his office. His chubby face red in rage, giant pervert mustache quivering.

"Hail Furher..." Morningstar says in a bored voice, putting his chin in his hand, resting his elbow on the desk. "Your appointment isn't for several more months, Adolf. Go back to your hell suite and accept your punishment until then patiently."

"Master Jewry. I must speak with you NOW!" Adolf roars. Eighty-one years in hell, and the man hadn't changed a bit. Then again, you don't almost conquer the entire living world by being easily persuaded by external forces, Lucifer supposed. The Lord of Hell sighed tiredly before waving to the cushioned black leather chair in front of his desk.

The man who once ordered the genocide of an entire religious people, who stood proudly and took his own life rather than be captured in wartime, sat meekly in front of Lucifer, and tears welled up in his deranged blue eyes. Lucifer blinked in amusement, though he kept his face neutral. He had a feeling he knew what this was about, but the important part of therapy was letting the client self-discover. He stayed silent, notating the tears in his notes. The last time this little bug of a man cried was when he first came to hell, and he mourned his defeat in the war.

"The Americans. The world. Did you hear? They are comparing that orange truffle to ME! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?" Adolf roars angrily, his voice trembling.

"I have heard as much. Tell me, Adolf. How does that make you feel?"

"I SHALL RISE AGAIN AND TEAR THEM APART! I shall burn their children! I shall gut their wives! I will dismember the men! I WILL PUNISH THEM ALL!"

"So I take it, you're upset then?"

"Upset? UPSET? I am FURIOUS!"

Lucifer chuckled and nodded, taking more notes down on a padded paper with a black raven-feathered quill.

"I can see that, and it's good that you are so in touch with your feelings. Rage is a very normal human emotion. Tell me more about this rage. Why are you so upset?"

Hitler scoffs and stands. He wrings his hands through his hair as he begins to pace. His face is still red, and now veins are protruding from his neck and forehead.

"Where do I even begin? That rich, fat daddy's boy grew up with a golden spoon in his piggy drooling mouth. He dodged the draft with a fake problem. I grew up poor and hungry. I fought in the military in World War I! I came from a place of survival and hunger, and that stupid cow knows NOTHING of the suffering! Perhaps I am evil and wrong in my rhetoric. Perhaps some of it I convinced myself when I grew to want too much. But that did not change the fact I knew my country needed me!"

"So, your origins are completely different. Is that all that upsets you?"

"NOT HARDLY JEWRY! I am not done! Listen! That pudgy little troll! My country was so weak when I dismantled the democracy to put myself in authority that it took suitcases of money for a man to feed his family. SUITCASES! I had to lie, steal, and cheat to save my people. I broke the world, AND I broke myself to make my country strong and pure."

"Pure is an interesting perception to still have, but go on."

"This idiot starts out with a powerful economy, a country with power, status, allies, and money. And what does he do? He dismantles EVERY advantage he has, because he's too arrogant and STUPID to realize he's being played like a pawn by those around him. The difference between that orange oompy loompy stupid head and me is that I was the puppet MASTER and he is a PROP for a stage!" Adolf picks up the rubber chicken that Lucifer keeps on his desk for his patients and begins to try to tear it apart.

Lucifer watches in amusement as the chubby little dictator fights with the rubber chicken, before he collapses in the chair panting, still unsuccessful.

"The worst part, Master Jew..." Hitler leans forward and drags his hands along his face. "He is intentionally trying to copy me. And his supporters have the same bloodlust and passion mine did. He uses my words. He reads my books. He tries to use my manipulations. He uses the same anti-semitism roots that I used, though instead of Jews, he just hates everyone who isn't rich. Though he cannot hold a candle to me, he is trying. And now my memory, my legacy, is besmirched with orange spray tanning lotion."

"Are you proud of your legacy, Adolf?"

"Yes. For all of my evils. For all of my mistakes and my defeat. I know that without me, the world would not be what it is today. Look at Germany now. Eighty-one years after my death. They are strong! My people are united. They are powerful. They are even kind and forgiving. They are world leaders in renewable energy and making societal connections. And Germans now take care of Germans. And even if they are not pure, that is what I wanted. A strong country. A country unbroken and undefeated."

"But it was defeated."

"No! No! No! You stupid fallen angel. I was defeated. Not my country. My country has grown better. Because of me, my country, haha! Because of me! Vergangenheitsbewältigung! Do you know what this means, my devil friend?"

"Enlighten me." Lucifer knew. The devil knows all. But again, self-discovery. He had never heard Adolf go on a tangent like this. Usually, he was too self-absorbed. Lucifer was quite amused. Who knew it would take a Failure-Hitler-Wannabe to make the tainted soul of the real Hitler progress psychologically? It amused Lucifer, truly. Humans were such pathetic, stupid, little things.

"It means: Struggling to come to terms with the past, my friend! Yes. I was vile and evil. But I raised my country up strong, and then I devastated them so badly that they decided to never again let someone like me take control. Since then, they have been the smartest. They do not trust leaders who talk like I can. Wiedergutmachung! They made right with the world through cooperation and diplomacy, instead of coercion and force. And now they are the safest country, basically! Because of me."

"Do you think Trump will have the same effect on America?" Luficer asked quietly, and Adolf went quiet. He sat back and looked at the ceiling for a few minutes as he thought.

"No." He finally answered. Luficer nodded and began to write in his notebook once more.

"Why is that?"

"Because. Lies, deceit, and pretending something didn't happen have been a part of American culture for so long. At the end of my era. Germany united. At the end of Donald Trump, America will fracture even more. It is not the same."

"I'd have to agree. Things will be very lively around here soon. We can count on that. Tell me, Adolf. How do you think you can cope with this injustice of being compared to someone less than you?"

"Oh, I think you will help me with that. Everyone dies. And I think I am evil enough for a promotion."

"On one condition. I'll promote you and let you have some fun in the future if you stop calling me Jewry. You gotta call me Boss."

"I am willing to compromise. You have a deal."

Disclaimer: This is a political piece. I have nothing against Jews- just in case that needed to be explained. I was tapping into derangement, hatred, and delusion to make a point.