Acceptance

“He gave me his old farm.” The man spoke softly as he stepped foot into his own luxurious home to his beautiful wife. She helped her husband take his jacket off as it had been raining hard earlier and he was soaked. He stood there seemingly in shock and not sure how to act or what to do.

“It’s a nice gesture, it was something your father really loved and cared about. Him giving it to you is kind.” She spoke with an insincere voice in an attempt to bring up her husband’s spirits.

He plumbed himself down on a step of the stairs leading to the top floor and took his shoes off while staring at the floor dumb founded. He threw his shoes to the side violently as he let out an expletive.

“He never cared for me. Once I left that house after Mom died…” He paused as his voice began to break, trying to collect himself, he took a deep breath and began to run his hand through his short trimmed brown hair and fought back tears. “After Mom died, I was nothing to him. I was a failure. I was a leper incapable of making the right decision on my own. All this success I’ve had was viewed as nothing more than a black spot. Insignificant and unworthy.”

“That’s a bit dramatic Jim, but frankly he doesn’t know you. He didn’t know you for the past twenty years.” She paused as she tried comforting Jim by reaching out for a hug. She had never gotten to know Jim’s father, only knew that the two had a falling out long ago. “Maybe you should go out to the farm, maybe it’ll give you some sort of clarity or closure.”

“Closure on what? That he’s an asshole Anna? I should destroy that place.” Jim snapped back but his face showed regret on how he answered.

“It could be good for you, that’s all I am saying. Take that with you for what it’s worth. If you don’t want my advice, that’s fine. Just don’t make a decision right now while you are in a bad head space.” She calmly said as she locked her arms close to her chest. Jim took this moment to realize he had been getting outraged and tried to calm himself down.

“I’m sorry. All this is bringing back a lot of memories. I’ll think about it. You know, when I went to visit the lawyer and he told me that Dad had left me the farm, my initial thought was to destroy it? Mom wouldn’t have liked that.” He chuckled as he went to reach out for his loving wife. He moved her autumn hair out from her face revealing her stunning light green eyes. The two kissed.

“They would both be proud of the man you are today. I mean you are Jim Paddack, an award winning actor…” She smiled as Jim began to interrupt her.

“Award winning actor…” He laughed at the notion. “An award winning actor that has been delegated down to rom coms. So luxurious.” He continued to chuckle.

“It has led to a good life.” She joined him in the laughter as the two walked into the living room and cuddled up together on their couch and began to enjoy each other’s company. Day turned to night, and night to day. The two had passed out on the couch bringing forth a new day. Jim had woken up before his wife and slowly moved out from the couch while being ever so careful to not wake her. He motioned toward a blanket to cover her and tucked her in. He leaned in once more to leave a kiss on her forehead. The time away from the thoughts of his father and the farm he had left him put him back into a better place, one where he could think clearly and began to realize his doting wife was right. Going back home could bring forth some good in his life and bring him closer to his roots. He goes up to his office looking for a pen and paper to leave Anna a note explaining that he is going to the farm like she suggested.

Jim got into his jet black Mercedes and drove from his home in upstate New York all the way down to just outside of Westminster Maryland. The whole drive back made him a bit uneasy as it made him think back to unpleasant memories of his father, and how he was berated by him constantly. He wanted Jim to be just like himself, a farmhand and any dreams of living that same life was hell to Jim. Thus the two never got along, and Jim felt like a failure to his father. They fought a lot, never saw eye to eye and once Jim’s mother passed away from cancer, he didn’t feel like he had any more reason to stay at the farm. Jim was there for her on her worst days, and vice versa. They always had each other’s back and there was a genuine love for one another.

After a rather long drive, Jim arrives at his old childhood home. The Paddack Farm. After parking in the double wide garage right next to the old beaten down barn that Jim had memories cleaning up and maintaining that beaten down red wood walls and rafters. In a lot of ways it is where he grew into the person he is today. He was more surprised than anything just to see that old thing still standing. He took a deep breath and hopped out of his car. He felt it getting harder and harder to breathe as he continued to look around as memories and feelings he had growing there flew through his mind even more vividly now.

Jim walked toward the old barn as the doors were already opened, he slowly walked past the hay bales to the left and right of the entrance. The countless amounts of times he had to stack them he thought. The smell was the worst part. The wood smelled of mold, and it was quite pungent. No one must have been through the barn in a long time. He also noticed that the roof had a sizable leak but the only place that was maintained rather well was the loft. The loft is often where he and his friends would meet up on the weekends, in a lot of ways he felt almost as if it was his room. On nights he’d have a clear view of all the stars in the sky which as most kids would do, they would look up upon those stars and think about what is out there for them. The sense of adventure. He had achieved all of his wildest thoughts and dreams, and then some. He climbed up the ladder to the loft and found a desk filled with old tapes, movies, magazines on top of it. Against the walls he was even more surprised to see pictures of himself. Not as a child however, but as an adult. One picture was of him winning an Academy Award for best actor in a film from a few years back, and the magazines on the desk were mostly old interviews he had done for random publications. The movies on the desk were filled with movies he had been in.

“All of this for me. Your final words to me, huh Dad.” Jim chuckled in sheer shock as tears began to roll down his cheek. He had realized that even though he and his father hadn’t talked in almost half his lifetime, but even while estranged from one another, his father did love him. He more than just loved him, he was proud of him.

“Why couldn’t you have just reached out to me? Tell me you loved me.” Jim continued as he sat down at the desk combing through the various items his father had collected.

He began to feel a buzzing in his left pocket, it shocked him out of his grief for a second to check who was calling him. Without looking he already knew it was Anna. He paused for a moment, wondering to himself if he had it within himself to even answer at the moment, but he did.

“Hey.” He whimpers as he answers the call.

“You okay?” Anna softly spoke back.

He smiled and looked up at a picture of himself with his parents in the middle of the wall in front of him, thinking about how he missed those moments in particular. He missed their voices, their personalities and tutelage. Most of all he missed their love, even if his father had disagreements or fights with him. It all came from a good place, even if his father didn’t know how to express himself. Jim realized at that moment Anna’s advice for him to come out to his childhood home to find some clarity or peace, he had reached just what she expected.

“Ya know…” Jim paused as he closed his eyes and envisioned Anna in that picture alongside him and his parents. “My parents would’ve loved you.” Jim finally responded.