Abandon All Hope

Can anyone tell me who came up with the brilliant idea that both heaven and hell are surrounded by fences and the only access is through guarded gates? Where is the logic in this? A person dies and, according to religious scholars as well as those not very scholarly but pretend that they are, gives us two directions to go, up or down. Depending on what religion you believe in, there may be an option three, called Purgatory. This place is a get-out-of-jail-free card located between the sought-after heaven and the much-feared hell.

According to its founders, some say it was St. Mathew, others say St. Patrick, this is where you go to fix the minor oopsies you’ve committed throughout your life. You are allowed to atone for your minor indiscretions, like being disrespectful to your parents, participating in a one-night stand while on a business trip, having too much to drink at a party, those kinds of things. Put in your time, and then it’s off to the 55-plus gated community in the sky. Which brings me back to my original question—what’s with the gates?

If the entities running these establishments are so powerful, why do they need physical gates to keep their residents in or others out, depending on where you’re trying to go? Does this mean that without material restraints, our ethereal selves are more powerful than Satan and his minions? Maybe without the gates in place, our spirits can simply say, “Forget about it, I’m outa here,” and float off to somewhere else in the universe. The same may be true for heaven as well. Seriously, just how much harp playing and angelic choir singing can a person take? If they can’t play some good old Blues or Jazz, they'd better lock the gate because I’m leaving.

In conclusion, my brethren, if I’m going to talk about heaven and hell, I might as well sound like a man of the cloth. I feel that both Saint Peter and whoever Satan has assigned to guard hell’s gate must have the most boring jobs in the afterlife.