A teetotal Scotland

It’s a Saturday night and Sam is stood sober in the middle of Sauchiehall street.

Sam was a fitness fanatic and therefore didn’t drink. Being Glaswegian he sometimes struggled socially as a result of this. It was tough growing up alongside a strong culture where it was frowned upon if you didn’t drink.

Despite being teetotal, Sam would still always go on nights out; tonight he was out for his friend Bens birthday. They had been at The Garage but he hated every minute of it. His mates were all a bit worse for ware and wanted to go to Blue Lagoon before heading home. Sam went with them and waited in the queue, he felt sick with the smell of grease in the air. Two people in front of him were squaring up over the single remaining pizza crunch.

Sam loved Glasgow but he wasn’t proud of this side of it. He just wanted to go home, so he said his goodbyes to his steaming mates and left.

On his way back to the car he was approached by a guy who you could only describe as a stereotypical Glaswegian ‘junkie’.

‘What’s the matter wae you pal?’ the junkie said to Sam.

‘I’m fine mate’ Sam replied hoping to end the conversation as quickly as possible.

‘What would you say if I telt you I could change the past, present and the future?’

‘I would say you’re off your head!’ Sam said bluntly trying his hardest to get away.

‘Well I’m no havin’ ye on, call me a genie cos I can grant ye one wish’

Sam had encountered some mental conversations with junkies before, but this was up there with one of the most insane.

‘I need to get home mate, sorry’ Sam insisted.

‘I’m no lettin’ ye leave ‘till you give me a wish’ the junkie persisted.

Sam decided to play along, in the hope the conversation would finally end. Having seen his friends embarrass themselves all evening, followed by this interaction with the junkie there was only one thing he wished for at that moment in time;

‘I wish everyone in Scotland had never touched alcohol or drugs in their lives, now can I please go, I need to get home?!’

‘Aw naw man, I can’t believe ye huv done that, I love ma Tennants and ma Heroin. I dinnae know how I’ll cope withoot it, but I’m a man of ma word, when ye wake up the morra your wish will be granted’.

‘Cheers mate’ Sam muttered and finally left.

‘What a nutcase’ Sam mumbled to himself.

When Sam woke up the following morning something felt different but he wasn’t quite sure why. He went to grab the TV remote to put the news on but the remote was missing. When he looked up, the TV was no longer on his wall. Sam still lived with his parents, thinking he must have been robbed, he ran downstairs to tell them.

‘Mum, my TV is missing?!’ Sam announced confused.

His Mum also looked confused;

‘Are you ok son, what’s a T.V?’

Sam was beyond confused now. Something seriously strange was going on. He needed to get out the house but before leaving he went to grab his phone. That wasn’t there either.

With his head all over the place he started to think about the conversation from last night. Surely that had nothing to do with it…..

Sam remembered his Dad kept a collection of whiskey’s in the cupboard, he checked the cupboard and that was empty. Sam was baffled as he questioned if his wish had actually come true. Every T.V in the house was gone and his phone was missing. Hannah, Sam’s sister was always glued to her phone but this morning she was sitting talking to her parents with no phone in sight.

Throughout the rest of the day Sam didn’t see a single pub, T.V or phone. He realised this wasn’t a coincidence and it was related to his wish, which had somehow come true.

He then remembered who invented the T.V and the phone. Sam had come to the conclusion that alcohol must have helped inspire John Logie Baird and Alexander Graham Bell. ‘Maybe Scotland needed booze after all?’ he thought.

A few weeks later, Sam walked by a sharply dressed man carrying a brief case. The man looked like he was off to a business meeting, Sam did a double take, it was the junkie from that night.

‘I telt you I wisnae havin ye on’ he said with a wink and walked away.