A Place of Memories

Laughter echoed through the air, the sound light and happy.

"It's not that hard, sunshine!"

Meredith turned her scowl on her boyfriend, who grinned down at her sheepishly and held up his hands in surrender.

"And yet, I keep falling," she snarked.

Said man just shook his head, his smile turning into one of fond amusement. The snow and ice were starting to melt through her jeans, so she waved a hand towards him. "Aren’t you going to help me up?"

John snorted and told her, "Not with that attitude."

Despite his words though, John effortlessly skated over to her and took her hand in his. He hauled her to her feet and steadied her by her hips.

"I don't understand why this is so hard," she grumbled, staring down at the blue skates on her feet. They seemed to mock her, and Meredith had the urge to kick them off and throw them away into the woods.

John chuckled and pressed chapped lips to her forehead. "You're just overthinking it, sunshine." He shifted about until he was directly behind her, hands still on her hips. "Just push off the ice, one foot at a time." He tapped the top of her right thigh with his fingers. "Start with the right, then the left." As he said this, he started to guide her forward, and Meredith immediately reached back to hold onto his wrists. "I won't let you fall." Those words were whispered hotly into her ear, and she shivered, gooseflesh springing up all over her body.

"I know," Meredith whispered.

The lips at her ear spread into another grin as he nuzzled her with the tip of his ice-cold nose. "Then focus, sunshine." He softly dug the tips of his fingers into her hips. "Left, right. Left, right…"

The ghost of a memory faded away as Meredith stared out across the empty pond. A gentle breeze kicked up flurries of freshly fallen snow and dragged them across the frozen pond. As she watched the swirling display, another memory began to surface, and the space where her heart had once been ached fiercely.

"What on earth is your sister doing?" Meredith asked.

The spindly woman stood on the snowy bank of the pond watching as the two of them skated about the ice. Well, John skated, Meredith just shuffled about all awkward and stiff-legged. Even after a year and a half of John attempting to teach her to ice skate, she was still just as terrible at it as she had been the first time.

Meredith narrowed her eyes on John’s big sister when she noticed the dark rectangle in her hand. “I swear John if your sister is videotaping me again-,” she turned, arms out to her sides to keep herself steady, and fell quiet at the sight of John rummaging around in his coat pocket as he dropped to one knee. “J-John?!”

Her knees nearly gave out as the man shouted a triumphant ‘ah-hah!’ when he managed to tug a small, velvet black box from its hiding place. He looked up at her with a dimpled grin and shining blue eyes.

“Meredith,” John began, his voice thick with emotion. “I knew since that first day when you’d tripped into my arms,” he winked at her and Meredith felt her cheeks warm, “that we were meant for each other. You bring such light into my life, and I don’t know where I’d be without you. Meredith, my sunshine, I promise to love you, to be by your side, until the end of time and even beyond that.” John drew back the lid of the box, and nestled inside it was a beautiful diamond ring that glinted gently in the sunlight. “Will you marry me?”

Meredith choked out a ‘yes’ as she practically threw herself at John, toppling the both of them over onto the ice. She continued to breathe out her acceptance in between heated kisses as her, now, sister-in-law cheered raucously from the other side of the pond. Strong, unyielding arms pulled her closer, plastering her along the length of an equally hard body.

“I love you,” he rumbled against her lips.

Meredith answered him with a harsh kiss. “And I love you.”

The vague image of the two of them laying atop one another on the ice faded away as Meredith came back to the present. She could still feel John’s warmth and touch, and it ripped the hole in her chest just that much wider. The diamond on her finger, now accompanied by a rose gold wedding band, looked dull in the gray morning light. They sat heavily against her skin, weighing her hand down in her lap; just like the icy dog tags that hung around her throat. She’d had many an urge to toss them away, to bury them so she’d never have to see them again.

She wanted to be rid of these reminders, but she was terrified that if she did throw them away, if the agony eased and disappeared, she’d forget him; forget what they had had.

"Hey there, sunshine."

Meredith startled at the soft greeting as a weight settled beside her in the snow. She couldn’t bear to look over, so she kept her gaze trained on the pond.

"Back again, I see."

She snorted, the sound humorless. "Couldn't find it in me to stay away."

A soft rumbling chuckle washed over her, and the gaping hole in her chest pulsed coldly. "No, you never could resist me."

Meredith choked on the half laugh, half sob that leaped from her throat. "You never were one for modesty."

They were silent for a moment, staring out over the frozen water to the naked trees beyond. And then he started in on the subject she wished he wouldn't.

“This isn’t healthy, sunshine.” The words were spoken gently, said out of care for her well-being she knew, but they still incited anger within her.

She bit her tongue to stop herself from snapping out something she’d regret. As if she wasn’t already aware of how dysfunctional this habit was, coming out here, no matter the weather, to sit and stare at the pond as she wallowed in her grief and heartache.

But it was the only way. “This is the only way,” she repeated out loud.

“Sunshine, Meredith…”

Meredith jumped up, tripping over her feet a bit, as she whirled to face him. “Don’t sunshine me!” The wobble in her words dulled some of their sharpness.

John, her John, sat in the snow looking just as he had the day he’d left for deployment all that time ago. Camouflage cargos, beige boots, and t-shirt with his hair tousled attractively to the side, and that dimpled smile she loved so much. But this smile was tinged with sadness and worry.

Yes, he was definitely still her John; it didn’t matter that she could see through his ghostly visage, it was still the man she’d loved and married.

“You promised,” she whispered. “You promised, and you lied!” Her hands balled up into fists at her sides and her vision blurred. “You told me you’d be by my side forever, but you won’t be! You left me!” Her voice hitched, and her knees gave out. She didn’t even register the cold that seeped into her jeans, or the tears dripping down her cheeks. “Left us…” Her words were barely above a whisper as she pressed a trembling hand to her slightly bulging stomach.

“Oh, sunshine.” She felt the phantom embrace of arms and legs caging her in from both sides as lips pressed to her forehead. “I’m so sorry.”

Meredith hiccuped. “Why? Why’d you have to be so...so stupid? So self-sacrificing?”

John sighed, but she felt no breath on her face. “They had families to go back to.” He said it like that had made his decision the simplest one in the world.

“And you had me!” she cried. “Us…” she tacked on as she brushed her hand over the swell of her stomach. Granted, she hadn’t known about the pregnancy until after he’d deployed, which meant she had never had the opportunity to tell him about it. If she had, would that have changed his decision? Would he have come back to her?

“I know,” he murmured, and the limbs surrounding her tightened marginally. “But it was either one of us or all of us. And I made that choice, so no one else would have to.”

Meredith felt a sourness on the back of her tongue. She’d wanted to blame the members of his unit for so long. Why hadn’t any of them made the sacrifice her husband had made? Why had they let him fall on the grenade without trying to stop him? Why had they let him leave her?

But she’d met each of the families at John’s funeral, and she couldn't find it in herself to hate or blame them. They'd already blamed themselves anyway, and despite her heart-wrenching anger, she’d understood John’s decision to save them. She couldn’t fault anyone for it. Not even John; not really.

“It’s not fair,” she breathed, squeezing her eyes shut against the fresh onslaught of tears.

She felt John nod. “I know,” he agreed easily. “But you gotta move on, sunshine. Freezing to death out here isn’t good for you.” The presence around her drew back a little, and she felt a hand join hers on her belly. “Or our little one.”

“I don’t know if I can,” she said with a tiny shake of her head.

“You have to. For me, for you, for the baby. For our family.” The lips returned to her forehead, and a flash of heat spread across her scalp.

Meredith breathed out a shaky sigh. “But you were supposed to be here for this. For our family.”

“And I will be.” A second hand pressed into her chest. “Here. And here.” The hand at her belly twitched. “Always.”

Meredith wanted to rebuke him, to tell him that he was wrong. She wanted to scream at him that his absence ate away at her like a physical ache. But his reassurance that, no matter what, he'd always be there eased the painful chill in her chest a little, and the hole knit back together just a tiny bit. It wasn’t much, but it was a start.

“It’ll be okay, sunshine.”

The young widow practically melted at those words, and she fell back into the snow with a strangled sigh. John’s presence lifted until all that was left was the gentle pressure of a hand next to hers on her belly.

Maybe, just maybe, she could do this, and in a few months' time, she would bring their child to this place of memories - their pond.