A Perfectly Natural Haircut

Welcome! Come right in, please. Thank you for coming to Hair First! Barbers: where your hair is more important than anyone else’s hair. We are one of the highest-rated barber shops online, I think, of all time. In fact, everyone is always telling me how great we are, despite only having been open for a week. My name is Quinn. Mind the water on the floor as you enter. The last customer wasn’t careful enough, despite my warning, and slipped. Completely his fault. Yes, actually, that little patch of blood there. No, the other one.

Please have a seat here. One moment while I get the cloth around you.

I’m sorry, what did you say?

Oh, I see. Maybe you’d have an easier time breathing if you stopped struggling so much.

Now, before we begin, you’ll just need to read over these forms and sign them. Don’t worry, there isn’t anything too unusual in them. You are simply agreeing to only post on social media any positive experiences of our barbershop while any negative experiences—which there won’t be!—will be bound under an NDA. Since you’re a man, you can skip over the section on sexual consent.

Perfect! So, a shave and a haircut, is it? How would you like your hair?

No.

No.

I don’t know what that is.

How about a high-and-tight? If you look at page six of your signed agreement you’ve already consented, so let’s begin. Now please hold still.

The water on the floor? Yes, it is coming from that freezer in the corner. Good guess. Nothing to be concerned about though. Our freezer is a valuable antique. Very rare. So it’s going through a bit of a warming phase. This used to be a Denny’s and after my dad turned it into a barber shop, I wasn’t sure what to do with the freezer until I had a particularly unpleasant encounter with a vegan. Plants this and vegetables that. Well, I obviously couldn’t cut his nasty hair, so I immediately decided to pack the freezer full of meat. Just so any other soy boys that come in know what’s what. The sign should say “Hamburgers!” but I haven’t gotten around to fixing the typo.

It is extremely rude of you to complain about the smell. And I will have you know that everyone tells me how great it smells here whenever they come in. All the time, people are always saying, “This place is one of the greatest smelling barbershops of all time.”

Oops.

No, this is fine. I might be able to comb over that. It’s your fault, really. I already told you to be still, this is difficult enough without all your squirming.

Of course I know how to cut hair! See that picture over there?

No, that one, with me holding the dead lion. Did you know people kill over 600 lions each year? Sad. But then I found a wonderful program that decided to do something about it! With all those dead lion’s manes just going to waste, it was a great opportunity to let people practice styling hair! Wonderful school, started by a very well-respected dentist. He’s the one in the picture holding the rifle. I was the first student in the class to give a lion a high-and-tight. Actually, I think I was also the last one. The program got shut down shortly after that picture was taken. You might have seen all the news stories about the protestors and whatnot. Can you believe the nerve of those people?

Whoops! Ah, screw it. Your hair looks good enough. Let’s move on to the shave. I’m very excited to try this. I’ve never used a straight razor on a living creature before. Just, please, hold still.

Oh, yes, don’t worry about that smoke. The freezer does that sometimes. You know, multiple so-called “repairmen'' have come in to look at our freezer and they all said the same things: the wiring’s faulty, this is a fire code violation, how old is this thing? But I mean, of course they’re going to say that. They get paid to say appliances are broken, otherwise they wouldn’t make any money. I don’t know how many repair places I called trying to find one that would simply tell me the truth that the freezer was working normally. Eventually I found this amazing online forum where people get together to discuss what is really going on inside of freezers, and you know what I discovered? “Appliance repairs” are all just a big conspiracy to scam people out of their hard-earned money! In reality, freezers go through periods of warming all the time. It’s all part of the appliance’s natural life cycle. Eventually it’ll go back to being cold again.

Well, yes, I suppose the meat is rotten by now, but I don’t see what that has to do with anything.

Oops! I told you not to move! I don’t care if the freezer just caught fire, I already explained it’s part of the natural freezer cycle.

Here, press this rag against your neck. You might want to lie down on the floor.

Look, with the way that blood is gushing, I don’t think you should really be worried about lying in water. Fortunately there aren’t any major arteries in your neck.

No, I’m sorry, but you’re being very rude and contradictory, even if you are a doctor. My uncle was a greatly respected physician at one of the best hospitals, and he always would tell me how great my understanding of human anatomy was.

You feel cold? Well, you are lying in a pool of water.

Don’t worry, I’ll call my cousin. He’ll know what to do. He’s a lawyer, he can amend the NDA.

Don’t close your eyes. Just breathe!

Fine, I’ll move my knee. Can you breathe now?

No?

Well, before your hands go numb, would you mind following me on Twitter?