A Graveyard Romance

We drove up the snowy, winding road towards the cozy A-frame cabin. It was our anniversary, and I couldn’t wait to celebrate with my wife. It was nice to get away from the kids for a little while.

“Slow down, honey. You don’t want to hit anyone… again,” Mary said.

“That would be a disaster,” I said.

“Yes, the time it took to bury the body ruined the entire day last time. We missed our massages,” Mary said.

“Don’t worry, this time I didn't book us any massages. But I’ll slow down anyway,” I said.

“If you hadn’t been drinking, we could have called the police,” Mary said.

I hit the brakes, then saw a man standing in the middle of the road. Despite slowing down, I didn’t have time to stop. The man flew forward and landed in the road.

“Oh my god, Peter. What did you do,” Mary said.

“I was sober this time. Maybe we just call the police and let them deal with it,” I said.

“If there’s any sort of investigation, they might find the first body near the cabin. We have to dispose of the corpse,” Mary said.

“That’s smart thinking. Help me get it in the trunk,” I said.

“You’re smart too, Peter. You’re just a horrible driver. From now on, I drive to the cabin,” Mary said.

“Of course, dear. Anything for you. I love you. Happy anniversary,” I said.

She gave me a weird look, then smiled.

“It is a happy anniversary. I love spending time with you, even if it is time spent burying a body,” Mary said.

“That’s why we’ve made our marriage last forty years,” I said.

We got out of the car and walked up to the man in the street.

“Why was he just standing in the road,” I asked.

“He was probably trying to get to the other side,” Mary said.

“That’s true. This is why you’re the smart one in the marriage,” I said.

“Thank you, dear. Now lift on the count of three,” Mary said and smiled. Mary grabbed his shoulders and I grabbed his legs.

“One, two, three,” Mary counted and we lifted.

“Crap, we forgot to open the trunk,” I said.

“Drop him and open the trunk,” Mary said. We dropped him. The man started shaking and convulsing.

“He’s still alive. I think he’s having a seizure. Maybe we should call an ambulance,” I said.

“No. If he survives he might have us investigated for the insurance money. If he dies in the hospital, there will definitely be an investigation. Peter, take care of this,” Mary said and moved her thumb across her throat.

I shrugged, then punched the man in the face. This only made him convulse more, so I punched him again and again until he stopped moving.

“Now get the trunk open,” Mary said. I opened the trunk and we put the body in.

“I’ll drive the rest of the way,” Mary said and got in the car. We drove to our cabin.

I parked the car and smiled at my beautiful wife.

“Now what,” I asked.

“Now we dig a hole and we bury this jerk,” Mary said.

“I’ll get the shovel,” I said. I went inside and grabbed the shovel. I came back out and started digging. After ten minutes I was sweating and exhausted.

“I don’t think I have the energy to finish,” I said.

“Take a quick break then keep digging,” Mary said.

“Of course, dear,” I said. I took a few deep breaths then attempted to dig more dirt. The shovel broke.

“Mary, we need a new shovel. The handle broke,” I said.

“Well, we can’t leave. We have to make sure there’s no trespassers before we get this guy buried. I’ll call Paul, have him bring us a new shovel,” Mary said.

“You’re a genius. Maybe he can bring something for my back pain too, while he’s at it,” I said.

Mary took her cell phone out of her purse and called Paul.

“Paul, we’ve got bad news. There’s been an accident. We need a favor, bring a shovel to the cabin. And some medicine, your fathers in terrible pain,” Mary said.

“I’m on my way,” Paul said. Mary and I sat and waited on our rocking chairs until Paul showed up. It took him three hours.

“What took you so long,” I asked.

“Traffic. You’re lucky I came at all dad. I hope this accident isn’t the same as last year,” Paul said. I looked over at the body.

“Oh, god, dad. You guys have to stop doing this,” Paul said.

“I’ll try, but it’s worth spending time with your mother,” I said and started kissing Mary.

“Seriously, guys. You better cut it out or I’m not helping,” Paul said.

“Fine. Did you bring the medicine?” I asked.

“Yah, I brought some weed. It should help,” Paul said.

“What’s the strain?” I asked.

“Magic Dragon,” Paul said and tossed me the bag.

“Can I borrow your pipe, too?” I asked.

“Sure,” Paul said and brought it over. I put it in the pipe.

“Lighter,” I said and Paul handed me a lighter.

I lit it up and said, “I’m puffing The Magic Dragon.”

“Enjoy,” Paul said.

“Would you mind finishing father’s hole,” Mary said and pointed to the partial grave. Paul started digging.

“Was dad drunk again?” Paul asked Mary while he was digging.

“I was completely sober. I just didn’t see him,” I said.

“So why didn’t you guys call the police,” Paul asked.

“We didn’t want an investigation. They might have found the other body,” Mary said.

“Good thinking, mom. You always were the genius in the family,” Paul said.

“Hey, I’m smart too,” I said.

“Sure you are, dad,” Paul said and smiled.

Paul dug the hole a few more feet and said, “Holes ready.”

“Would you mind helping us drag the body in,” I asked.

“I love family time with you guys. This isn’t a weird way to spend time with my parents. Not at all. I should invite Jackie up here,” Paul said.

“No, don’t invite your sister. She doesn’t need to know about this. She just moved to the sea, let her enjoy the fresh ocean breezes. She’d probably turn us in anyway, she’s always been the perfect rule following, law abiding one in the family,” I said.

“Relax dad, I was kidding. I know Jackie would turn us in,” Paul said and smiled.

“That’s right, son. She doesn’t love us as much as you do,” I said.

Mary smiled and said, “I agree. That’s why you're our favorite child.”

“Thanks mom,” Paul said and smiled. I went over to the body and helped Paul drag it next to the hole.

“Before we push him in, we should take out his ID in case they find him. We could claim we have no idea who he is or how he got here,” Paul said.

“Good idea,” I said and searched his left pocket. Paul pulled the man’s wallet out of his right pocket. Paul pulled out his ID.

“It says here he’s from Hana-lei. Where’s that,” Paul asked.

“A beautiful place to visit in the autumn fog. It makes the place really misty,” I said.

“Put the ID in the fireplace, we’ll burn it later,” Mary said.

“Sure thing, dear,” I said and took the ID from Paul. Paul kicked the body in the hole and covered it in dirt.

“I’m exhausted. You guys mind if I spend the night,” Paul asked.

“Only if you don’t mind the sounds your mother and I will be making,” I said.

“Gross, dad. Do you have to be so crass?” Paul asked.

“Hey, you just helped us bury a murder victim. I’ll be as crass as I want. That being said, I’ll give you two hundred dollars. That should be enough to get you a room for the night at the inn down the road,” I said. I took out my wallet and handed two hundred dollars to Paul.

“Thanks dad. Bye mom,” Paul said and got in his car. He rolled down his window and shouted, “Happy anniversary.” Paul waived goodbye one last time and drove off.

“We have such a good son,” Mary said.

“We really do,” I said. I stood next to the grave quietly for a minute and Mary walked over to me.

“We should make sure the dirt is nice and smooth so it looks like the rest of the surrounding dirt,” Mary said.

“And how do you suggest we do that?” I said. Mary stuck her tongue in my mouth and started kissing me.

“Make love to me, Peter. Make love to me on top of the grave. With all our rolling around, it’ll be smooth in no time,” Mary said.

“Yes, Ma’am,” I said and ripped off my shirt. Mary ripped off hers. We spent the next twenty minutes having the wildest sex of the year.

“That was great,” Mary said.

“Hey, this turned out to be a pretty good anniversary after all,” I said.

“It sure did, Peter. It sure did,” Mary said and smiled.

“I’ll have to run over someone again next year. It will be our anniversary tradition,” I said and smiled back.

“We better call Paul and let him know,” Mary said. We started kissing again.

Copyright © 11/23/2022 by A.H. Mittelman. All rights reserved.