A Drunk Yacht Stewardess at the End of the F*cking World

February 16, 2022

It’s happened. The world as I’ve always known it doesn’t exist anymore. I can’t stop fucking crying. Everyone’s been keeping to themselves, mostly. Except, Noah, who hasn’t put a liquor bottle down since we’ve known and barges in everyone’s cabin looking for distraction. He doesn’t even try to hide it anymore, just has the open bottle beside him while cooking our meals, even sipping it in front of Captain.

But what can Captain do? Fire him? All 21 of us are stuck together now and tensions were already high as fuck. We are still anchored outside of St. Barthelemy. All the yachts were here after the New Year’s charter season. Some of them went up North towards America. Apparently, America got hit the worst, but I suppose they were summoned by antsy owners wanting to get off land. I wonder what happened to them.

Before we lost internet connection, we were all glued to the Marine Traffic app, watching the influx of boats headed towards America. I had a friend on one of those. But I suppose he would fare better than my friends and family back home. I can’t even think about them. I am actually shaking right now. My parents. My brother. They are in no way capable of surviving. I feel like… I just…I don’t know.

When the nuclear bombs went off in America, they started in the West. I think my family in South Carolina would have had a bit of warning, but what could they have done? I’m sure my mom prayed till the last. I’m sure my dad held her. Did my brother make it to them in time? The closest bomb was dropped on the Charlotte Airport in North Carolina, less than 100 miles. If they somehow survived, would they see nuclear affects? Would it be slow and painful?

My cabin mate Ellie had family in Seattle where one of the first bombs was dropped. Poor thing- she’s a mess. We’ve been squeezing into her top bunk together, draped in blankets watching the Phantom of the Opera DVD on her laptop. I keep telling her it’s going to get easier, but I don’t believe it.

I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night sweating and gasping for breath. I know I wake Ellie up because I hear her uneven breathing, but she doesn’t let on. In my nightmares, I’m right back to day one when we first found out. The Chief Engineer heard it first when he got a breaking news ping on his cell. He set up the satellite TV and called everyone over the radio to hurry down. All 21 of us stared at the screen. I crept out the back, ran up four flights of stairs to the outside sun deck at the top of the yacht and tried to call my mother. I got the dial tone again and again. I’ve never felt so helpless in my life. I picked my locket up from my chest with my shaking fingers and stroked it to calm my nerves.

My family gave it to me as a graduation present. It is real silver and shaped like a heart. It’s dainty and easily hides under my shirt so I can wear it when I’m in uniform. Inside, there is a single pressed marigold flower. The fading yellow petals remind me of home, of my family. The only thing left of that afternoon on the lake. The calming breeze, my mother’s smile. The way my dad looked at her and smiled…

I’m back on the sun deck actually. This was my oasis before the world ended when I would worry about a nagging charter guest or laundry drama with the Chief Stewardess. Seems so silly all the things I used to worry about. I would even get worried about going home to visit my family- how much would the plane ride be? Would I feel claustophobic in that tiny house with them? Would I get in a fight with my mom because I still hadn’t given her a grandchild? I probably never would now.

In this shit hole though, I know the only thing that is going to make me feel any better is practicing gratitude. I haven’t been doing it, but here goes. I’m grateful I have shelter and a roof over my head. I’m grateful I am on a yacht with food and supplies and a support system even though somedays I fucking hate the Chef. I weirdly am thankful we are still working because it takes my mind off things for a bit. For the girls, we just keep the crew areas clean and inventory dry food stores. The Chief has us maintaining the guest areas though which seems silly since no one knows if our boss is dead or alive but I digress…dust will outlive even the cockroaches I think.

The Chefs hardly work and complain the entire time. They were both about to get fired and knew it and now drink too much and call the girls “c*nts” to our faces. The first two weeks they had to get rid of all the fresh nonperishable food so they were actually cooking meals. Now, they’ve succumbed to heating up fake chicken nuggets. But again, I’m so so grateful, universe, if you are listening, to even have food at all!!!

Oh, I’m also grateful for the Engineers and Deck team. They have been running drills with us a lot for abandon ship and piracy/ intruder so we all feel confident. It used to be separated between departments, but now we all help each other out which is nice. The boys take turns cleaning up after dinner and us girls take a few hours of the 24/7 anchor watch so the boys can sleep through the night.

I’m thankful for Liam. I’m actually really thankful for him. He’s the Second Engineer so he gives me the scoop when Captain withholds from the group and he also has one of those rational economists’ minds that soothes me. His family was in Northern Ireland and may actually still be alive. He’s told me of a mountain range near their house and all the camping equipment his family owns. His brother, who is also a yacht engineer, was on leave with his parents so Liam’s pretty sure he knows where they went. He says he wants to eventually find them and asked me to come. I said yes, but what do we know?

Captain has mostly locked himself in his room. We did have a crew meeting days after it happened but we still don’t know much. At the time he said he had tried to reach management and the owner of the yacht, but to no avail. Apparently, the owner was rounding up his family and getting the private jet ready to fly to St. Barth and we were to wait but he never came. Captain said we will stay anchored here for now. A better island than any and he wants to save our fuel. Liam told me we had enough fuel in both tanks to make a 14-day journey if we needed to cross the Atlantic. Oh, I’m also thankful we have a water maker and a lot of nonperishable food in the dry stores. We also have a ton of alcohol, but its locked in the wine store for now. Alcohol would only complicate things said the Chief Stew. She’s not wrong but we all yelled at her for it. Luckily, Noah brings his libations to my and Ellie’s cabin. The nights we feel like listening to him talk we shoot with him but other times we have to lock him out.

It's been a month since the nuclear apartheid took out the entire world. Nukes nukes and more nukes. I usually am so good about journaling daily but haven’t had the gall I guess so here I am, diary, a fucking mess and yes, I had to take three shots to even want to come here on the sun deck where I first tried to call my parents, where I first clawed at this locket hoping, wishing, dreaming my family was alright. It was actually so hard to open to this page and start writing. I honestly don’t know if I feel any better. But at least I processed something, got something off my chest.

Liam comes up here sometimes and finds me. I really hope he comes up tonight. Everyone on board knows he likes me. I always have a strict rule about getting involved with crew because I’ve seen the drama it brings, but fuck it, right? It’s the end of the fucking world and everyone I know is most likely dead. I am going to kiss him tonight. I need something good. I’m just grateful he’s here. Maybe I love him. Maybe we will survive this thing. Who knows what will happen when we run out of food…we’ve been rationing but that’ll likely be the first obstacle. We actually have been fishing off the swim platform after work. The catches are meek but at least there’s that. There’s also the locked booze.

I guess another thing would be crew animosity. If the Chef keeps getting under people’s skin, he may be done for. There are a lot of sharp knives in that kitchen and I know Captain has a gun in his safe. Ugh this shit makes me quiver. Ellie and I lock our cabin door at night. Liam makes me feel safe, though. Is that what the end of the world is? Waiting around until everything is gone or the masses descend into mutiny and all I can think about is kissing a boy…my god, I’ve lost it. I’ve fucking lost it.

Okay, gratitude gratitude. I’m just honestly so fucking grateful I knew my family and got to spend the time with them I had. It’s like my father told me the day they gave me this locket: if you work hard and are true to yourself and everyone around you, you will always be alright. So, I guess, diary, that’s the fucking plan. Just lay low, be helpful and polite to everyone, no complaining, keep practicing gratitude, respect the entire crew and go the extra mile to help everyone and brush up on all safety shit. If someone needs to be sacrificed, it will not be me!

February 22, 2022

I’m back diary. It’s been a few days. I got caught up and for the first time in this last fucked up month from hell, I actually felt happy. Liam did come up to the sun deck last time I journaled. He sat beside me and we were quiet. The sun dipped below the pink radioactive horizon and he put his arm around my shoulders. The breeze picked up and it got chilly. I was shivering and rubbing my locket like I have been and Liam asked me about it. I started to tear up and couldn’t speak so just shook my head. He said he understood then he cupped my face in his hand and we kissed. It was sweet and slow and I had tears running down my cheeks. He said it would be alright like he always does. He said in the uncertainty of our future he did know one certainty. I asked him what was that and he said that we would be alright. He just knew. He had a feeling. He said, "When I am with you, I am always certain we’ll be alright. You are my family now."

That makes me smile and I feel so thankful to have him with me at the end of the…oh my god…Captain just came over the radio. Someone calling themselves The New World Order has made contact and we have a crew meeting in five minutes…I think I'm too drunk for this...but I think I'll also need another shot...