When blondes have more fun, do they know it ? I am sitting in my bed with nothing on but my nightlight and my hair extensions. Well, one is actually laying across my leg. I hurry to find the spot it came from and snap it back in place. Before he sees me.
“I'm sorry about your umm… hair “ , I hear him say. Ugh, the truth is out in the air, between us. Heavy. I had worked so hard to conceal these three hundred dollar REAL hair extensions. Still, I failed.
“ No worries, it isn't really mine anyways" , I say jokingly. But he looked surprised. “ That's a first" , he says. “ What ?” , I ask. “ Chics borrowing other chics hair “ he says while putting his shoes on.
“No, it was just a joke. A bad one but what I meant is it is from someone else’s head. I just bought it". He smiles crooked and comes over to me. “ You were wonderful tonight. And beautiful. I'll see you tomorrow”. He kisses me very gently and I want him to stay. He is going out the bedroom door and every second counts. Is this what love is like? Every second with a person is so very precious .
I wrap my sheet under my arms and jump off the bed , following him. “ Please don’t go", I blurt out. I realize I am wreckless when it comes to my words, especially with him. He turns as he is on the bottom step already and I'm still at the top. He stares, and I thought I seen a look of disgust for a moment. I need to say or do something. I feel like the stars and planets are about to collide instead of align.
“ I mean, it is cold and there is snow. You have a long drive. And there's still some pizza left!” I bet that'll change his mind. He barely smiles and sighs. Roxy, you know I can't stay. I have to work in the morning and I have to be on the road a lot. If I stay, I'll have to get up early, go home and change before my day actually begins “.
I look down at my feet. I feel like apologizing but I can't. I have a lump in my throat. I don't look up. But I hear him say something that was pointless at this moment. He walks out the door. I run down the stairs, so I can admire him without him knowing. Like a caged bird watching the free ones flying through the sky.Watching him walk across the snow to his truck. He has a truck with snow tires. I'm such a tow head for making up the lamest excuse to try to get him to stay.
He stops mid stride. Ooh! . Maybe he forgot something and has to come back. No. He reaches for his phone from his pocket and answers it immediately. My heart starts pounding. He gets in his truck, still on his phone. I am just a distant memory now. I draw a heart on the foyer window. I'm so pathetic.
I grab a piece of pizza and my dog Fedor comes out of nowhere. He does not like Chris. We go upstairs together and he gets in bed with me. I turn on the TV and we sit together watching MMA . We split the pizza . This is an old fight but at least my favorite fighter won. If only I could win at life.
We both fall asleep across the bed. Me with my hair extensions tangled and Fedor snoring away. He's a Mastiff and Boxer mix. Most are afraid of him or just disgusted by the amount of drool or the snorting noises he makes. But I think he's one in a million, hence the very special name.
I get up the next day and get ready for work. Being that I work in the same place as the man I'm dating, I want to look my best. I let Fedor out and then I'm off. I'm determined to win this man's heart. I can do it. I can make him love me. I will be whatever he needs. Whatever he wants. I park and get out. No one had poured salt on the parking lot and there is ice. And here I am in these heels and skirt. That's okay though. I'm a super human. I can make someone love me.
I take a few steps and hear someone yell my name. And I'm down. He comes around and I'm on all fours . “ Okay, that's a good look for you in bed honey, but not out here on the ice. Trying to impress that man", my friend David says as he rolls his eyes and helps me up. Truth is, David knows way more about impressing a man than I do .
He helps me across the parking lot and I hug him and thank him. “ What would I do without you?”, I ask. “ Well, by the looks of it you would have froze some very important parts off had I not been there to rescue you.” We stand in silence. I feel ashamed. He's so together and I'm such a mess. “ Honey, I love you. And this is why I'm telling you in my nice voice to let that boy go. That's no man. Your heart, your knees, those three hundred dollar hair extensions…they don't deserve to be hurt anymore. Let the trash take itself out. “ Do down I know he is right. But on the surface, I am so crazy about this man and I don't want to dig any deeper. I don't want to hurt anymore. “ I can be what he needs. I can make him love me, David. I'm blinded by him and yes I'm in misery at times. But the thrill is worth the misery. And if I can't make him love me, I'll get tired of him before he does me and I'll save myself. “ David just looked at me in pity. But I meant what I said no matter how crazy it sounded.
I get in the office, in my cubicle and get straight to work. Just focus. No text message this morning. He used to message me every morning, for two weeks straight. So I message him. “ Have a great day. Maybe I can see you tonight if you have time or want to come over for dinner and a movie.” There. Surely I'll get an answer. He just got busy.
Hours pass. I go to lunch. I keep checking my phone. Trying to will a message to appear. That's what I'll do, I'll snapchat him, like my friend Francesca said to do. “ Be bold", she said, drinking her iced vanilla coffee with her name written on the cup.
So I did it. I made a snapchat video of me telling him I missed him and blowing him a kiss. Now, I will wait . Two hours later, I look at my phone. He opened it but said nothing. And I never seen him today. He must be really busy. By evening, there was salt on the parking lot and it was mostly slush anyways. I left late, hoping he'd have to come by the building to get his things. We all have a locker. But he didn't show. So I went home . Then as I was pulling in to my apartment I got a message. “ sorry I've been so busy today. I’ll call you in a bit. “ Okay, no heart or kiss but that's okay. I was elated just to hear from him. I kept my clothes on just in case he was gonna show. I made dinner. Fedor just watching me with sad eyes. Even to my dog I looked pathetic. But it would be okay. If I can just get him to get his head out of his work.
I waited hours. He didn't call. Dinner was cold. “ Be bold", I heard my shallow friend say. She was right about that though. I called him. That's right. Most of our relationship has been text , face to face work flirting, and sharing my bed a couple times. I'm taking it to another level. I'm calling, like an adult.
He answers on the second ring. I ask what he is doing and he answers “ I'm talking to a friend of mine at the bar, Gigi . What are you doing?” I got quite upset as I knew more about Gigi than I wanted to know. So this is where it got ugly. And this is where he ended us in a snap. Over the phone. We were done. “ You care entirely way too much. I don't want to be your boyfriend. I don't want to come to your house. I am sorry but this is not what I want. You are not what I want.” And he hung up. And he blocked me. And my heart and mind were lost on a ship. On two different ships and no lighthouse.
I made the mistake of looking Gigi up on Facebook. Never do that. Her last post was her with a pickle halfway in her mouth. Dark eyeliner, piercings. Tattoos. I admit, she was pretty in a dark way. And she seemed like the bad girl type. That I just never had been. So did I get my wits about me? Nope.
A week later, here I am. A hand tattoo and a septum piercing. Dark makeup. A choker . Lucky for me David gave me his talk and not in his nice voice. In his honest voice. I needed a transformation for sure. But where? How? First. I got rid of the hair extensions. Second. I started running with Fedor every morning, and playing Eye of the Tiger, You're the Best Around, and other various songs to make me feel I could pull logs and lift them. I did run through snow. And I did indeed start working out. I got angry. At me. At him . At me again. I should have seen through him. I should have been smarter. Never again. Me and Fedor ran every day and I worked out, worked my way up to a bigger better cubicle with more pay. I was upgrading. And no man was the upgrade or the asset. I was honey.
I sat one night, it was spring and everything was in bloom. Including my ideas. “ That's it!”, I yelled. I'm gonna train. Fedor!, I'm gonna fight!” I told everyone and everyone was scared to death. But I needed to do this for me. I met my trainer. A woman who used to be in the military. 6 days a week we trained. I finally was entered into a local MMA fight and I seen the woman I would be up against. I did what my trainer said, though. I did not back down from my fear. My coach ended up being David. He and Marsha didn't really hit it off at first as Marsha was more manly then David. But soon they became friends because they were invested in me. They wanted to see me win . I remained calm on the day of the fight. We practiced backstage and I received so much support.
My contender was quite proud of mouthy. I said nothing except “ Maybe we can go out for a pizza after the fight, winner pays. “ Well, at least I laughed. And now the time came. I walked through the halls, which were a blur. Then I remembered as I stepped out, why I'm here. I'm stronger. I'm not the same girl as I was before. Whether I win or whether I lose, I will always be stronger and this will enable my strength either way. The raging bull illuminates the screen lights above the entrance she walks out from as I wait for her in the ring. I'm not afraid, for that is just a flash in the pan. Just like the boy who I forgave, for he wasn't a man yet.
2 hours later, I find myself heading home. With a black eye and a cut above my left eyebrow. Sore in places I didn't know I could be sore at. But happy. No, I did not win. But I put up a good fight. I got my contenders respect and I'll continue to earn respect and give it to those who earn it. I'm ready for my new life. But first, I have an old buddy to share this pizza with. Fedor is waiting at the door. He sees me and covers his eyes. And I hug him. My heart and my mind are in the same ship sailing smoothly across the peaceful waters. All because I wouldn't let someone break me again.