A Dark Day

It’s so cold. Why does anyone choose to live here?

My fingers are numb and so are my toes. My face was numb too but now it’s so frozen, it actually hurts.

I’m starting to shiver uncontrollably, but I don’t care.

In front of me is a large pond, or at least it would be a pond if it hadn’t turned to ice.

As I stand at the edge, looking at the smooth, slippery surface before me, I start to wonder how thick the ice is. Would it support my weight? Would it crack and drop me into the icy water hidden below?

I take a step forward, leaving the safety of solid land.

What would that be like? I don’t think I can get any colder, so the water might be a welcome change.

I take another step forward.

My energy is drained, but whether that’s from the chilly weather or maybe just life in general, I can’t say. Would I be capable of climbing back out of this frozen pond if the ice gave way? Would I even try?

Another step.

I look around in all directions and see nothing but white. Snow covers everything. Some find snow to be beautiful as it sparkles in the sunlight, but there’s no sun today. I hate snow.

Another step forward. This ice seems surprisingly solid.

The sky is dark and grey, like it is most days during the winter. How can people go for months at a time without seeing green grass and blue skies? Without having the warm sun shining on their faces?

Step. I wonder how deep the water is underneath me right now.

I’m not like most people. I can’t live my life like they do, pretending that my days are anything other than pointless. I don’t like interacting with others. Everyone is so fake. They don’t care about me, just like I don’t care about them.

I take another step. It might be my imagination, but I swear I heard the whisper of cracking ice.

Would anyone try to save me? There’s no one around, so I would say probably not. Even if there were bystanders, I wouldn’t have much faith in them.

With yet another step towards the middle of the pond, I know I heard a crack this time.

If I fell through, I bet the ice would quickly freeze over again, sealing me in a tomb of watery blackness. There’d be no sign that I’d ever been here, just like in every other aspect of my life.

One more step, slower this time. The ice is holding.

Would anyone come looking for me? Who would even notice I was gone? Probably my boss, since my absence would mean more work for him. An unanswered phone call or two, and I suspect he’d quickly give up and find a replacement for me.

Another step. As I shift my weight forward, I hear a loud, echoing snap. I can even see a few thin veins of fractured ice spread from underneath my boot.

Everyone talks about taking steps as a good thing. The next step, or a step along the way, or a step in a program, or the right step. Everyone’s always looking ahead to another step, but why? What if the next step is going to lead you straight into an icy grave?

Just like the rest of the oblivious drones I interact with every day, I take another unthinking step forward. The ice shifts almost imperceptibly, but the sound of further cracking confirms I wasn’t imagining the movement.

I look back to the edge of the pond and find it’s further away than I thought. What am I doing? All of my hypothetical thoughts have now put me in the middle of a very real situation. Do I go back? Do I take another step forward and see what fate has in store for me? Maybe I take control away from fate and simply jump forward, ensuring the outcome. Is that what I want?

As my mind goes through the many possibilities and outcomes, the ice begins to shift and snap under me, just from the continuous pressure of my bodyweight. I have a sudden realization that this could be the end. Only now, at this point do my true feelings come through. I don’t want this to be the end.

I’ve spent too much time thinking though, and the choice is taken from me. With one last reverberating pop, the ice collapses under me.

No!

My silent scream echoes through my head as I fall into the freezing water, except…

I’m not falling.

I’m not sinking.

I’m standing.

Standing in what is basically an oversized puddle. The icy depths of the pond are apparently only a handful of inches below the frozen surface. My boots are wet, and that’s about it.

I let out a sigh. It’s going to be a cold walk home, and I better get moving if I don’t want to end up losing my toes to frostbite. If that’s the worst thing to come from this, I should consider myself lucky. This could have ended very differently. I may not know what I want from life, or even what the point of it is, but at least I know I’m going to keep living it. Today was a dark day, the darkest I've had by far, but hopefully it will be the last of those days. Tomorrow will be brighter. Things are going to be different from now on.