A Chance To Say Goodbye

In the crisp air of the Rocky Mountains I took in a deep breath to the scent of pine trees. I looked up to trees, listening to the sound of the wind whistling by them and watched the way they swayed ever so gently. Past the trees the moon shined brightly down on the valley below reflecting off the calm flow of a river. Soft rustling of a bush behind me brought my attention back down to see a raccoon scavenging for food. He paid me no mind and went along with his business.

Another deep breath.

A moment of fear rushed through me as the howl of a wolf filled the silence. It was far and seemed to be alone. Another howl had my heart lurching for it. I could almost feel the hurt behind the howl, like it has lost it pack and doesn’t know how to go on. Aware that I could be projecting my own feelings, I didn’t care. I too felt like I lost my pack and I felt a connection with this lone wolf. Like we were kindred spirits trapped in a cruel world. I stared down the edge of the cliff and briefly imagined taking that last step. Would I finally find peace? Will all this pain and agony be lifted and will my soul finally be free? It a seductive thought. One that gets harder and harder to ignore. How does anyone move on after losing their soulmate far too soon?

A feeling of warmth washed over me and I knew he was here. He always knew when to come. I didn’t need to see nor did I need to hear him. I just knew like I knew he was the one for me the moment I laid eyes on him. A ragged breath shot out as his presence encapsulated me. A large hand landed on my shoulder that caused a shudder to run through my entire body. I knew what he wanted. He wanted to me look at him, but I couldn’t just like every time before. I didn’t know what would happen if I finally gave in and I loathed thinking about it. This was fine. At least I can feel him. At least I don’t feel alone even if it’s all in my head. Turning around could change it all and I… I’m not ready.

His hand lifted off my shoulder and I waited for his presence to diminish like it always did. Instead I felt a small jolt as a hand gently grabbed my own and memory surfaced from the depths of my mind. Our first memory.

Ten years old

Being the new kid in school sucks! Especially when you make a fool of yourself by falling straight into a muddy puddle during PE. Every kid in the class was laughing at me and I have never felt so embarrassed in my life! There was mud everywhere, even inside my pants! I'm going to run home and there was no way I was ever going to come back! Before I could find my bearings I saw two feet appear in front of me. I looked up to see the most beautiful boy I ever saw smirking down at me. At first I thought he was going to tease me, maybe shove my face in the mud, but it was to everyone surprise when he spread his arms wide and face planted right next to me. The class went silent and everyone just stared. The boy, now just a filthy as I was, sat up next to me with a wide, toothy smile. I was so stunned I was frozen in place. Why would he do that?

The boy stood up, wiped more mud from his face, and reached a hand out to me, smile still plastered on his face. Even with mud everywhere his smile was brighter than anything I had ever seen. Tentatively, I reached up and placed my hand in his. A jolt starting from the point of contact zapped through me and I wondered if he felt it too. He gently helped me to my feet then kindly introduced himself. That was the moment he became my best friend. That was also the moment I fell in love with him, but it would be years before I realized what that meant. Even longer to be able to tell him.

Present

I jerked my hand away like it was hurting me. In it way, it was hurting me. Why did he have to make me remember when all memories do now is make me feel worse? Every time before when he would leave after I didn’t turn around I would be angry that he didn’t stay longer. Now all I want is for him to leave because this too painful. That memory was one that I will never forget, but I had been purposely pushing it down. Now that it surfaced I can’t hold back the tears. That same strong yet gentle hand wrapped around my body and pulled me in for a tight side hug.

18 years old

Today has been the best day of our lives. It was our graduation ceremony and the day we were becoming men. Our last names were on opposite sides of the alphabet so we didn’t get to sit next to each other. After we threw our hats in the air everyone scattered to celebrate with their family and friends. I knew exactly where my family was, but I wasn’t looking for them at that moment. There was only one person that I needed to see, one person that would make this perfect day even better. Like the parting of the Red Sea, an opening of the crowd presented the man I had secretly loved for most of my life. He was looking for me as well and the moment our eyes met that same blindingly bright smile formed on his face and all was right in the world. We ran to each other and practically jumped into each other’s embraced.

It didn’t take long for our families to find and force us to pose for some pictures. A strong arm wrapped around my waist and pulled me in as he smiled for the many cameras in front of us. It wasn’t the same smile he gave me, but it was enough to melt the heart of anyone who saw it.

Present

Tears were pouring from my face now and I shrugged out of his embrace even though I wanted nothing more than to stay there forever. I wanted him to stop doing this to me. Is he trying to hurt me? I immediately shoved that thought aside because I knew with all of my heart that he would never hurt me. Never intentionally. So why now? After months of coming back to this place, why is he doing this now? I looked down the cliff again and I thought I knew the answer. Though I didn’t want to admit it, that seductive thought was starting to look far too enticing and he knew it. After all, he always was looking out for me. Movement in the corner of my eye told me he was moving to stand in front of me and I closed my eyes because I wasn’t ready. Two hands placed on both sides of my hips brought back another memory.

21 years old.

He was acting strange tonight. Not bad, and likely not something most people would notice, but I wasn’t most people. Not where he was concerned. Sure he goofed around with our friends like he normally did. He was the life of the party and everyone gravitated towards him. That hasn’t changed at all, but it was the way I would catch him watching me every so often just to look away when he realized he’d been caught. It was the way he was as friendly as he usually is, but kindly declined anyone’s advances. My best friend was definitely a lady’s man which he often used for a quick hook up, much to my consternation, but for the first time ever, it seemed like he wasn’t interested.

He found me later on the dance floor and joined our little circle of friends as we all jumped to the beat. Several songs pass and most of our friend group had excused themselves for various reasons leaving just the two of us. Miley’s “Party in the USA” came to an end and the beginning of a soft ballad began to play. Realizing this was meant for the couples in the party to have a moment of intimacy, I began to head off the dance floor when I felt two strong hands on my hips pulling me back and turning around. The look on his face has forever been etched into my mind. Uncertain, but hopeful, with so much love I couldn’t breathe. Unsure of what to do, I just stood there frozen. Those wonderful feeling hands left my hips and wrapped around my wrists. He lifted them up and on to his shoulders then let go and grabbed my hips again. All I could do was stare in confusion and wonder. I looked down at his hands because I couldn’t believe they were on me like this. I could feel the warmth of his palms radiating against my hips. Looking back up at his face caused me to gasp. I have waited so many years for him to look at me the way he was now and now that it was happening I lost all motor function of my body. That was okay because he was always there to help me when I needed him. He pulled me in closer and carefully started moving back and forth to the music. Lost in the depth of his deep blue eyes the rest of the world seem to disappear. It was just me and the love of my life.

As the song came to an end I watched as he leaned in ever so slightly. Beneath the strong and confident bravado I saw my own insecurities and fear. He as just as scared as I was and I didn’t like seeing that on him so in the middle of party for everyone to see, I met him halfway.

Present

That was the moment everything changed between us. No longer was he the straight best friend I secretly pined after for over a decade. All my dreams had come true. It was hard at times; he went from believing he was straight for his entire life to being with a man and that comes with its list of downsides. Coming out as bisexual certainly wasn’t easy, but he did it for the both of us. Not a day went by that I didn't feel loved and cherished and I hope that I was able to do the same for him.

We graduated from college, started our careers, and built a life together. But there was still one important step in there. As if reading my mind I felt his hands leave my hips and grab my left hand. I felt his thumb rubbing circles across the ring that he gave me and…

23 years old

The doors opened to a room full of our families and closest friends, their genuine smiles showing how happy they were for us as Ed Sheeran’s “Thinking Out Loud” filled the room. My mother had to recap these details to me later on because across the hall, standing in a doorway identical to the one I’m under now, was my future husband and I only had eyes for him. My breath caught and my eyes formed tears of joy and love. He was and still is the most handsome man I have ever laid eyes on and I feel so darn lucky that he chose me. Our parents escorted us to the alter to give us away and I couldn’t take my eyes off him. Much like our first dance, everyone else seemed to disappear. Our mother’s cried and our dad’s choked back their tears like the manly men they were, and then it was just the two of us and the man who would make legally one.

We wrote our own vows and I couldn’t get through a few lines without breaking down. That was okay though because he didn’t mind. I told the story of how we first met. How this ridiculous boy face-planted in the mud to make me, a complete stranger at the time, feel better. How I knew in that moment that I wanted that boy in my life forever and always. He told the story of our first dance and kiss. How nervous he was to take that leap of faith. How he had to put aside all his preconceived notions about who he was because somewhere along the way he couldn’t deny any longer that I was his and he was mine. He slipped the platinum ring on to my left ring finger he rubbed circles around it as he promised that he would always be with me.

Present – 25 years later

I slowly opened my eyes and there he was. His hair now salt and pepper colored and lines and wrinkles etched his face showing the years that have past. I didn’t mind them in the least. They were just a reminder of the wonderful life I had been blessed with. I collapsed into his arms and cried until there were no tears left. I didn’t know if this was real or if it was all in my head, but in the end it didn’t matter. I was given the chance I never got to say goodbye.

Wiping the tears and mucus from my face, I stood up and gave him the best smile I could muster and nodded. I understand what this was all about now and I needed him to know he can finally rest in peace. We said all that we needed to with our eyes and he leaned in for one final kiss. It was the softest of touches and was gone in an instant. I opened my eyes and was looking at the valley below once again. While still heart broken and will likely be for a long time, I had to keep going for him so I made a promise to him and myself that I will. A chorus of howls echoed throughout the valley and I knew my wolf found his pack. A soft smile touched my lips and I took a deep breath.