A Bastard’s Ghost

My father is the shadow I searched for in every dark corner, empty glass, and every escape. That search was killing me, so I stopped believing in ghosts and started to believe in who I saw and still see...in the mirror. - Theodore H.

NYC West 11th St. Present Day

Busting in from this week’s first pre dawn run, I'm handed an envelope. The "grey man", in a loud suit, passing it on, utters my least favorite of the tropes, “My condolences.”

Ma died two years ago, and my husband squeezed my thigh, “Enjoy your run mister. We can have a bite before I fly out.”, as I sat up at 04:15 this morning. So...

“Who died?”

“Your father.” And just like that the Phantom was summoned to rise. Shake that shit off Ted.

This guy reminds me of handlers from joint ops with the teams, red tape, intel, conflict instigators. My Favorite...to fuck...

with.

"Who's that?" I squeeze through a shitty grin.

With his locked lack of demeanor he turns, gets into the back of a blacked out Mercedes, as he lifts his phone to his ear.

“Thanks asshole.”, he acts like he didn't hear me.

The weight in my hand draws my attention. A crisp, dense parcel with what seems a very old stamp. Why hand deliver it and waste the obviously rare postage? Waste. The Stamp, a ship and resplendent sun, keeping a distant tryst. The phrase "All Points A Horizon." hems the sky and ocean in, the bottom edged with "Postage" and "U S 2 cent".

I flip my wrist up, it's 07:11, I only have 49 minutes to clean up and "have a bite" with Alex before he flies to Dallas. I’ll hold off telling him about my visitor. He will only worry, even though it’s nothing compared to what I've made it through in life. He’s leading a huge case this week and he needs his mind in the game.

"Morning Teddy Bear! You want Bacon and mushrooms right?" Alex stands at the top of our stoop, half dressed and flaunting it all. He’s eating a slice of chocolate cake, with a wide smile across his handsome face. “Sorry I wanted to celebrate again before I fly off into the frey.”

I revel in my solitude but as soon as the door closes behind him I'll be that lonely little boy again. Fuck you Teddy. Man the fuck up! Just go look in the mirror, it’s what Ma taught you.

She used to tell me to look in the mirror and see the man I want to be and tell him, “I’m you and you are more than enough.” What a gift that woman was, to anyone that was "in the room with her."

"Ya gotta ask? I'm gonna hit the head and clean up first."

"Are you hinting at something, Son of Poseidon?"

He’s knack for coming up with precise nicknames for those who fall within proximity to his love...or his disdain, is unmatched. I've seen the manifold forms of violence and how various weapons can be used to maim and kill. I have also witnessed Alex while perched and pretty on the edge of his seat, rip a man apart with the command of speech. This man’s a fighting man too. He’d have to be to survive being with me.

"Meet me under the water...find out."

What the fuck. Why do I feel so much fear!? “Alex, stay!” I want to scream...

"Burner. Is. Off!"

Breakfast was fast, Alex is gone but his taste remains on my lips. A fading chocolate celebration. You only turn 40 once.

Alone with the rekindled haunting once again. The lack of a father leaves a gaping impression but I am not going to forget who I am. My father was nothing more than two phone calls and one canceled visit my entire life. Oh Fuck here we go.

Train Car Diner - Ridgewood NJ 1993

Why is Ma so strict today? She didn't even let me pick out what I was going to wear. I hate what I am wearing. Stiff ugly pants that don't even have pockets on the legs and a stupid shirt with stupid buttons.

“Teddy, you know who we are meeting today?”

“Ummm.”

“Don’t umm.”

“Ok. I don’t know who we are meeting.”

“Your father.”

I look at the kids menu and follow my crayon trail through a maze, I just want to be in this picture. I wish the cartoon kids were my friends and the talking animals would smile and hug me. I don’t want to be in this stupid place or meet anyone.

"Hey there, are you two ready to order? Hello handsome I like those glasses you got there.”

“Thanks.”

“We are going to wait to order just a bit longer.”

I just want pancakes.

“Ok. No rush.”

“Ma can I...?”

“May I?”

“May I have chocolate milk?”

“Yes.”

My mother is strong and I know that because I never see her cry. Last nightght her eyes looked real watery and red, so she must have been crying, but she told me no when I asked if she was. I just want pancakes.

Present

My body feels like it wants to escape and abandon my sacred disciplines. I am avoiding the mirror until later, until after I come back in tonight. Already my mind is working to circumvent the choices I know I should be making. Call in today and handle what you can from home.

“Fuck that.” I pop my Bluetooth in. “Siri, call Todd.” I need to get ahead of this feeling. “Todd, you up for a session after we wrap up with Tellos today?” Come on bitch. “Roger. I can adapt to what you’re focused on, I just need an extra push today. See you in forty five.”

This won’t be enough, I can already feel it. I want to call my dealer. I’m going to call him if I don’t keep moving. I’ll take the subway, change it up. You're going to be in every space I am today aren’t you? I’ll make you vanish for good soon.

I haven’t taken the subway to get to work in years but it helps having no cell service. It’s not enough. My mind is now devising machinations to get what my body wants.

Fuck, I wish I was down range!!!

There are so many faces on the subway. Gazes pulled to the floor by this grind, this New York City grind life. I bet a lot of these people would get a lot out of one of my seminars. I wonder how many are also being haunted by some gaping hole of trauma or abandonment? At least I can blame my shit on PTSD.

Look at this guy. He looks strong. He seems straight. So do I though. I am seeking escape! I need to break my phone! This is all because of that company man this morning.

Fuck! What am I doing!? I am about to abandon everything I worked so hard to accomplish because a stranger died? Am I going to die today?

15 years ago…B.U.D.s

“I’m not dying tonight. I’m not dying tonight. I’m not dying tonight.”

Hell week isn’t shit! Finally my internal life is matched by my external! I was born for this! I can do this shit all day and night. I am NOT dying tonight!

Gabe has given up the ghost…I can see it all over his face…just go ring the fucking bell and leave me the fuck out of it.

“Teddy, I think I’m done. I’m going to ring the bell.”

“Fuck you Gabe! Don’t tell me that shit, just stay in the water!”

“You are the warrior I wanted to be Ted. You are going to be a leader.”

“Stay in the water or go ring the bell.”

“I’ve already rung the bell Teddy.”

“If I ring it I’m dead and I’m not dying tonight. So I’m staying in the water. Don’t look me up Gabe…”

Gabe pulls himself up on the cold metal platform…

I’m not dying tonight…I’m not dying tonight.

Present Day

Not tonight.

OK Teddy…let’s play this out. Let’s action plan what this night will look like if I keep with this current trajectory…

I will call Yoshi, and end up doing coke all night till tomorrow.

I will seek bathroom dome, and that will trigger me to fight.

I will fight and hurt somebody.

The Cops will show up and depending on how badly I hurt the guy, or guys, they may not give me a pass.

They find out who I am and what I’ve done and they give me a pass. If I don’t get let off then my life is exposed and I die.

Fuck it…I’m not dying today.

Three Years ago - Hospital

“Teddy, you are the man you want to be.”

“It’s only because you taught me how to believe that Ma.”

“No, I just helped point you in the right direction. You have done the damn thing Teddy. I am one proud Momma.”

This woman is a gift!

“Do you want me to keep reading?”

“No. Just hold my hand and we can just talk a little as I drift off to sleep. I’m so tired and I am happy. I’m happy Teddy.”

Present Day

Tellos signed off on the project.

Todd and I left part of our souls on the floor.

I broke my phone, after telling Alex a part of what I was going through. He understands me so deeply and I should know better than to try and protect him when he’s got more in his tank for this kind of love than most.

Now all I have to do is go tell my father to fuck off.

Let’s go.

Entering my home I see the envelope sitting on the counter.

Better to just get right into this. Holding it in my hand I realize I don’t care what’s inside.

I start the fire in the fireplace…and watch myself in the mirror that’s above it…I can see my face with the flickering light and my shadow dancing alone on the wall behind me.

“You are not my father and never were. Thank you for playing the role you did in bringing me into this world and thank you for fueling my life with ambition. I almost lost it many times but I had enough good people, Ma being my rock, to keep me going strong. So fuck whatever you have in this envelope…”

I am not dying tonight.

“It will turn to ashes and you will turn to dust.”