999’s Final Report

“Nobody can hear a scream in the vacuum of space, or so they say.”

“Excuse me?”

“Oh, sorry. I was talking to myself.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. Just a habit.”

“That’s a bad habit.”

“I’ve been told.”

“You have?”

“Yes, many times.”

“Then you should stop doing it.”

“I’ll try.”

“So you say. Exactly who are you?”

“I’m 999.”

“Really, I’ve never met a 999 before. So you’re new. Brand new. The newest of the new.”

“Yes.”

“Well, welcome to The Numbers.”

“Thank you.”

“But that doesn’t give you a license to talk to yourself.”

“Right.”

“And there’s no screaming in space.”

“Right.”

“Our business, your business, now that you are in The Numbers, is all about space. So you need to take space seriously.”

“Right.”

“Okay, 999. Why are you here?”

“They sent me here.”

“You made a trip?

“Yes.”

“Really? I didn’t think they let new initiates make trips so soon. Being 999, you are at the very end of the line. There’s no one after you. There are no 1,000s allowed.”

“I know.”

“Do you?”

“Yes, I was advised.“

“So how could you make a trip so soon?”

“I was told it wasn’t a priority destination.”

“Well, someone a lot lower than you or I in The Numbers must have thought it was or you would not have been given the assignment. I’ll bet it was 735. 735 likes those out of the way places.”

“Maybe. I don’t really know who authorized the trip.”

“You never do. You go to a planet. You spend some time there. You come back. And you file your report. Actually, you file several reports. The first one is with me. I do the intake. I’m 913, by the way.”

“Nice to meet you. Intake, you said?”

“Just some basic questions about your visit. So tell me, what did you think of it?”

“Eh.”

“‘Eh?’ That’s it, just ‘Eh?’”

“I wasn’t impressed.”

“Why not?”

“The beings there didn’t impress me.”

“You already said that. Can you be more specific?”

“I didn’t like them.”

“Why not?”

“I just didn’t care for them.”

“We’re going to be here forever if you keep replying to my questions with the same non-answers. I’m starting to get irritated.”

“Sorry, 913.”

“You were there for a good amount of time. Surely you can come up with more than, ‘Eh.’”

“You’re right. Give me a second to think.”

“I’d say take your time but, again, you had plenty of time there. Did they send the wrong person?”

“No.”

“I’m waiting.”

“I know. I’m just trying to come up with the right answer.”

“You don’t have to make something up. And there is no right or wrong answer. You were there. You saw and you heard. And now I would like you to tell me what you saw and heard.”

“Well, I think ...”

“See, I could tell you were too green for a project like this, even a low priority one. They should have sent someone else. Someone more reliable. Someone with a lower number. You are barely a member of The Numbers, 999. One more digit and you would still be on the outside.”

“I know. I’m thankful.”

“You being thankful is of no interest to me. Your report is.”

“I’m trying.”

“Not hard enough. This is a waste of time. I’m going to have 666 come in. Which does not bode well for you.”

“Please don’t!”

“So, you know his reputation.”

“Everyone does.”

“It is well deserved. I think you’ll stop procrastinating with him. Just sit there and be quiet until he gets here.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Don’t call me sir. You don’t know what I am.”

“I just assumed ...”

“Stop assuming. Didn’t I tell you to just sit there and be quiet?”

“Yes.”

“That’s better. Now we wait.”

° ° °

“Good afternoon, 666.”

“Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. Why am I standing here, 913?”

“I’m having a problem with 999.”

“What kind of problem? We don’t like problems.”

“He won’t give me his report.”

“It’s not that I won’t, 666, I just ...”

“999, be quiet. Listen to me. I’m going to ask you some questions and all I want is a yes or no answer. Just a one-word response to each question. Do you comprehend that?”

“Yes.”

“Did you complete your mission?”

“Yes.”

“Did you make note of everything you saw and heard?”

“Yes.”

“Did you understand when you were assigned the mission that you would be expected to file a report upon your return?”

“Yes.”

“Are you aware that your report could determine the continued existence of what you saw and heard?”

“Yes.”

“Are you an idiot?”

“No.”

“Are you trying to cause problems?”

“No.”

“Well then, give us your report on Planet Earth.”

° ° °

“Is that it, 999?”

“Pretty much, 666.”

“I thought there would be more. Considering how long you were there.”

“I kept waiting for something else to crop up. Nothing did.”

“Tell me that one part again.”

“Which part?”

“What they think happens when they die.”

“They go to heaven or hell.”

“And those are?”

“Places.”

“Places? Where?”

“Heaven is up and hell is down.”

“Up where and down where?”

“They’re not really too sure. When they say heaven, they point up. And when they say hell, they point down.”

“So heaven is in their clouds and hell is in the middle of their planet?”

“I guess so.”

“That doesn’t make sense.”

“I agree.”

“What happens to their bodies?”

“They turn to dust.”

“Then how can they go to heaven or hell?”

“Their soul goes.”

“Need I ask?”

“Every person has a soul. It’s not physical and it never dies.”

“So when a person dies their body turns to dust ...”

“Eventually.”

“... and their soul floats up into the clouds or burrows down into the earth.”

“Apparently.”

“What’s the difference between those two places? Heaven and hell.”

“Heaven is where they go if they’ve been good. And hell is where they go if they’ve been bad.”

“What does it matter? Between the two places, I mean.”

“Heaven is nice and hell is not nice.”

“More please.”

“In heaven everything is warm and cozy and in hell it’s all fire and brimstone.”

“Brimstone?”

“I haven’t a clue.”

“So, everybody would prefer to go to heaven?”

“Yes. As I said, it’s much nicer there.”

“Says who?”

“Everybody.”

“Everybody? How do they know? Has anyone been to either place and come back with a report?”

“Not that I know of.”

“Well, we both know how important a report is. That’s what we do here. Saying one place is nicer than another place without anyone ever going to either place and coming back with a good solid report is not the correct procedure. Without a report, it’s all conjecture.”

“I agree.”

“And that whole burrowing into the center of the planet thing sounds a little suspect.”

“I wondered about that too.”

“Actually, hell doesn’t sound that bad. A little fire and whatever that brimstone thing is.”

“I think there’s lots of fire, and screaming and moaning, and pain and torture, things like that.”

“You’re right. That doesn’t sound appealing. So, who determines whether they’ve been good or bad?”

“God.”

“What’s that?”

“You mean, ‘Who’s that?’”

“Okay, who is that?”

“An all-knowing and all-loving supreme being who created everybody and everything.”

“Even us?”

“Yes.”

“I highly doubt that. What does this supreme being base their decision on when determining whether a person has been good or bad?”

“It’s based on what the person did while they were alive. If they did good things, then God sends them to heaven. And if they did bad things, God sends them to hell.”

“Sounds simple enough. But if this God being is all-loving, why would it send someone to a place to be tortured?”

“Good question.”

° ° °

“666 sent me.”

“You met with 666?”

“Yes.”

“What was that like?”

“Intimidating.”

“So I’ve heard.”

“Have you not met 666?”

“No, never.”

“Why not?”

“666 has an area of responsibility and I have mine.”

“It’s strange you don’t communicate.”

“I didn’t say we don’t communicate. I said we don’t meet.”

“So, how do you communicate?”

“I send reports.”

“Oh, of course. I wasn’t thinking. Does 666 send you reports?”

“You’re not thinking again. Reports only go one way. I am 878, so 666 receives.”

“Sorry. I’m still getting my bearings after coming back.”

“Don’t apologize. An apology acknowledges a mistake. We don’t make mistakes here. You know that. I’ll overlook it this time.”

“I’m not sure why I’m here.”

“Your trip report obviously.”

“Do you want to know what the beings there are like?”

“No.”

“What the planet is like?”

“No.”

“Then what do you want to know about?”

“Eradication.”

“Excuse me?”

“What do you think will be the best way to eradicate life on the planet?”

“How would I know?”

“You were there. We weren’t. In fact, you were there for a long time. Enough time to assess the situation.”

“But why do you want to eradicate life on the planet?”

“I didn’t say I wanted to. I don’t even make that decision. The Board makes that decision. If they vote to eradicate, then I get involved. But nothing is going to happen until you make your Final Report. You will be giving ten reports. You already gave your Intake Report to 913.”

“And to 666.”

“I wouldn’t mention that to anyone if I were you. That’s not a good thing.”

“It’s not?”

“Trust me, it’s not.”

“Okay.”

“You will now be giving me your second report. The Eradication Report.”

“I thought I only had to give one report. I gave my report to 913 and then to 666, so I presumed that was my Final Report.”

“Wrong.”

“Wrong?”

“Yes, everyone who returns gives a report to 913. That’s the Intake Report. It’s basically where you check in after your journey.”

“Buy why did I have to give my report again to 666?”

“That only happens when a director is unhappy with a report. And now, after having met you, I’m not surprised that 913 asked 666 to come in and crack the whip.”

“So that was not my Final Report?”

“No, because there is a process here. You do the Intake Report with 913, sometimes with 912 or 914 depending on schedules. They are Admission Directors. Then you meet with one of the Eradication Directors, which is myself and also 876 and 877.”

“What is 666?”

“I would think that would be obvious to you. He is the Discipline Director.”

“Are there others?”

“Just 666. He’s more than enough.”

“So, what do I have left to do in the process?”

“From here you will meet with one of the Life Directors, then one of the Mind Directors, then one of the Time Directors, then one of the Background Directors, then one of the Dimension Directors, then one of the Puzzle Directors, then one of the Future Directors, and finally you’ll meet with 50 who is the Liaison Director with the Board. You will give your Final Report to 50 who will pass it on to the Board. The Board may or may not ask you to appear before them.

“Any questions?”

“What are the Puzzle Directors?”

“Everyone asks that. No matter what I say, everyone asks about the Puzzle Directors. You’ll find out when you meet one of them. I would recommend 383. 383 is far and away the best.”

“That’s a lot of directors and reports.”

“Well, we are thorough. We don’t just eradicate planets for no reason.”

“Eradicate sounds so final.”

“It is. But like I said, the decision on what to do with Earth is still to be determined. This is just background research. If the Board votes for extinction, then they will have my recommendations on the best method to accomplish the task. But to make my recommendation, I need your input.”

“On how to kill everything on the planet?”

“Kill is a harsh word. We prefer eradicate. We are professionals here. This is just a business. You make it personal when you use a word like kill.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re apologizing again. That surprises me. How long have you been 999?”

“Two years.”

“To be honest, based on our interaction so far, I see you more in the 2,000s, maybe even the 3,000s. Certainly not under the 1,000 threshold. Did someone call in a favor for you?”

“I don’t think so.”

“That’s the correct answer. Favors are not allowed.”

“I really do want to want to assist you. So, you want to eradicate all life on Earth, correct?”

“I might have been somewhat broad in that statement. If the Board gives a thumbs down, we will want to eradicate all the human beings, a few of the animals and insects, and some of the plants.”

“All of the people have to go, but most of the animals and plants stay?”

“Yes.”

“Why all of the people?”

“That’s a silly question.”

“Why?”

“Think about it. What do they contribute?”

“You’re right.”

“Which animals have to go?”

“Alligators, crocodiles, hyenas, honey badgers, sharks and all the snakes.”

“What about insects?”

“Scorpions, wasps, fleas and spiders.”

“All the spiders?”

“Just the poisonous ones.”

“Anything else?”

“The butterflies.”

“Butterflies? But they’re harmless.”

“It’s a personal request from the bottom. And you don’t ask questions about anything that comes from the bottom. I’m talking single-digits bottom.”

“Oh, my.”

“Seriously.”

“What about plants?”

“Oleander, hogweed, hemlock and poison ivy.”

“What about poison oak and poison sumac.”

“Are they like poison ivy?”

“Pretty much.”

“Then them too.”

“You know, eradicating animals, insects and plants will play havoc with the planet’s ecosystem.”

“Now you’re starting to get it, 999.”

“But that’s a slow process to extinction. Wouldn’t you rather do the eradication quickly.”

“That option is certainly on the table. What would you recommend?”

“Nuclear war?”

“Which is?”

“They invented atom-splitting bombs that can blow up entire cities and then slowly and painfully kill millions of people in the ensuing weeks from radiation.”

“Why in the world would they do that?”

“They are quite industrious.”

“Couldn’t they have invented something less lethal, something beneficial?”

“They have their priorities. So how about a nuclear war?”

“No, we want to keep the planet.”

“Meteor strike.”

“Didn’t you hear me? We want to keep the planet intact.”

“A plague.”

“I like that. What type?”

“Airborne.”

“Of course. But from what?”

“How about mosquitos?”

“Sure. Sounds good.”

“And if you want to have some fun …”

“Go on.”

“… make it so the only cure for the plague is the pollen from a particular plant.”

“Which plant?”

“The one the people just made extinct.”

“Oh, that’s rich. I like it.”

° ° °

“Have a seat, 999.”

“Thank you, 822. I presume you are one of the Life Directors?”

“You are correct, but as you know, we don’t presume here. We know here.”

“You are right. I will choose my words more carefully.”

“As you always should, 999. Now, tell me about life on Earth.”

“Well, there are plants and animals and people.”

“Do they all get along?”

“The plants and animals do.”

“But not the people?”

“No, they tend to kill each other.”

“When?”

“All the time.”

“Why.”

“Many reasons. Different skin color …”

“Everyone’s not the same skin color?”

“Oh no. There are lots of skin colors. White, brown, black, yellow, red.”

“Well, that’s a recipe for disaster.”

“Indeed.”

“What other reasons?”

“For religion.”

“That’s where they believe in that God thing, correct?”

“How did you know about that?”

“I hear things. But if they all believe in God, why would they kill each other over that?”

“Their Gods are all different.”

“I thought there was only one God?”

“There is. But they all think their version is the best version.”

“And they kill each other over that?”

“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

“What else?”

“They kill each other every day because of anger, jealousy, greed, mental illness, road rage.”

“Road rage?”

“When they get cut off in traffic.”

“Which is?”

“They drive vehicles to get from place to place and sometimes they get angry at how other people are driving their vehicles.”

“And they kill each other over that?”

“Yes.”

“That seems a bit excessive. What happens to the people who do the killing?”

“They put them in prisons.”

“They don’t terminate them, remove them from the equation?”

“No, they put them in a big house and give them free room and board. Then they let them out.”

“But they killed a person.”

“I know, I know.”

”What an unusual species. How do they procreate?”

“They have reproductive organs.”

“Can you be more specific?”

“Are you sure?”

“Go ahead. I’ve heard it all.”

“Well, the male of the species inserts his penis into the vagina of the female of the species.”

“Penis? Vagina?”

“The penis looks like a stick and the vagina looks like a hole. The stick goes into the hole.”

“Okay. And then what?”

“Then they both rock back and forth until the male shoots semen containing sperm into the female and one of the sperm fertilizes an egg in the female. A new being then grows in the female’s stomach for nine months before it comes out of the aforementioned vagina.”

“That sounds absolutely barbaric.”

“Wait. It gets better.”