5 Things I Learned Clubbing Baby Seals

Believe it or not there are several lessons to be learned from a season of baby seal clubbing. What started out as an adventure, of trying to connect with First Nations people groups, turned into a life changing study of self introspection like no other.

Hours of repetitive toil, and mind-numbing violence, allowed me to escape into myself. From there I was able to pound out some lessons that I will carry in my blood for the rest of my days.

Not Everything Tastes Like Chicken

A season in seal camp is an incredible way to broaden your palate. Early meals rely heavily on jerked caribou some sort of grain porridge. However when the harvest got up to speed we dined almost exclusively on seal meat.

You always hear that something tastes like chicken, but what if chicken doesn't taste like chicken and actually tastes like something else? We may have been lied to our entire lives.

I mean what if chicken really tastes like rabbit instead of the other way around? This is deep Indian guru kind of stuff.

I was expecting the seal to taste like fishy pork, or possibly chicken, but it really tastes like a weird mash up of frogs legs, gamy wild duck and gizzards.

You won't see Gordon Ramsey out here with blood on his face and a chunk of raw seal hanging from his teeth.

Tylenol Really Works on Headaches

Nothing says seal clubbing like the headache you get at the end of a long day. The body aches from all the work but the headache from the white environment is almost unbearable.

Enter Tylenol. I don't know what First Nation people did before, but in the 21st century everyone pops the bottle as soon as they get back to camp.

You can try your aspirin or maybe ibuprofen, but Tylenol is where it is really at. I can't see myself ever living without it again.

Slippery When Wet Applies to More than the Road

Seal camp is a pretty slippery place. It is pretty easy to slip in a puddle of blood and fall right into the ocean through the hole in the ice.

Working on the ice all day makes you kind of dull, and the orca's just cruise around under the ice waiting for a hapless clubber to fall in.

Slippery when wet doesn't just apply to people in a hot tub.

The main takeaway for me has been to watch your step, since you never know when you might step in something that could get you in trouble.

Polar Bears Eat People

On my adventure I met up with several people apparently doing much the same as I. We were all on a journey to finding ourselves and that led us to cross paths at a seal camp.

The camp was set up with several metal shipping containers on skis that were pulled out on the ice with snow cats. These containers allow people to have a darkened place to sleep or as most of us foreigners did, drink and play cards.

They were also meant to provide a safe refuge from the polar bears that were also hunting baby seals.

One of the people I met in the camp was Marco from Senegal. I never did find out exactly why he was in camp but he was part of our nightly poker and drinking fun.

One night we were well into our cups when Marco needed to step outside and use the jakes. Soon after he had gone out we all heard screaming and growling. Our native friends grabbed their guns and ran out only to see a polar bear pulling Marco over a pressure ridge in the ice.

We lost Marco that night but we gained respect for the bears.

Speaking of bears the natives told us how to catch a bear the first night we were in camp.

First you you need to chop a large hole in the ice... How big is up to you... Next you open a can of peas...Yes English peas!...Then take the peas and sprinkle them around the hole you chopped... then you wait.

When the bear comes to take a pea, you kick it in the ice hole.

Cold Water is Best for Removing Blood

Another important tip I picked up is for cleaning up after a long day of bashing. You can imagine what your clothes must look like, and if you don't do something about it those stains will be set in.

Mother was right, cold water takes out blood best.

I tried washing with hot water to begin with but it just ruined my nice bashing clothes. Then I remembered what mom always said when I got a bloody nose. Cold water will take it right out. Well she was right.

I hope these tips will help you make your travels through this life just a little easier. I know my life has certainly changed for the better.

Note: This is a work of satire/fiction, no animals were harmed in the writing of it.