27126 - Not Just a Random Number

I can hear a dark sound. It's the owl speaking. The owl is hidden on its mountain ledge, some distance up the slope, above our house.

The first time I heard the owl, I felt chills down my spine. This no longer happens when the owl talks to me. I've gotten used to it.

This morning I did not think about the owl. But I calculated a number: How many days have I lived until now? I came to the number 27126. That's the number of days I have lived until today.

The question is: How many days will I get?

Will I live for 27200 days? Or 30000? 32000?

It's a bit odd to think about it. And a little scary. Usually I never think of that number.

Usually I live my life and I do the tings I am used to do.

I wake up, I get up, I have breakfast. In the morning I go for a walk. It's raining, but it's not cold. I walk by the store. I buy milk, bread and three bananas.

When I return home I clean the kitchen a bit. I open my computer and I read the news. The White House reports that war could break out at any time.

I go into the living room and turn on the TV. There is no extra news broadcast there, so I turn off the TV and open the news message on my mobile again. There is a picture of a woman talking from a lectern in front of a blue background in the White House. I click away the news message and put on music from a playlist on the loudspeakers.

I prepare dinner for the two of us. We have dinner together.

My wife says that according to the Americans, war can break out at any time. "It's on the news," she says.

"Yes," I answer, "I saw it.

"We are quiet during the rest of the meal. I get up and go and get my cell phone. I open the browser and look for messages under Foreign News.

My wife is sitting with her cell phone. She smiles as she looks at the screen.

"You smile," I say. "Why are you smiling? What are you looking at?"

She gives me a look with a smile in. She turns the phone so that I can see the screen. I see a new picture of our youngest grandchild. I feel my face smile. I meet her gaze. She smiles back.

I see through the window behind her that the evening falls on outside the window. I think: Another day will soon be over.

We clear the table and go and sit on the sofa. Outside, the rain has stopped. The TV is not on. We sit with the phones. A little later I bring out a book I intend to read.We're watching a movie. We're talking a little.

We're waiting for the night to come. 

I go out on the balcony and look up towards the forest. I will try to see if the owl flies by. Owls fly without sound. It's just like time. I do not notice it, but time passes. Time flies, with little sound, past me.

It's soon midnight. I'm going in again. I say good night. I go into the bedroom. I see lights from two cars that drives north on the road at the other side of the valley.

I think about my days. Another day has passed. How was this day? What did I accomplish? How many such days do I have left?

I try to think of a word that sums up my present feeling. It's not bitterness. It's not revenge. Not hatred. Not loneliness.

I live. Still alive, no serious illness, no big loss lately.

I try to find that word.