239 A Day at Dr. Grimm's Office Part 3

SLEEPING BEAUTY and NECROMANTICISM

Dr. Grimm didn't usually make house calls, but it was necessary in this case. He walked into the single room thatched hut and sniffed. Almonds? he wondered. No, that wasn't it. Something else. But after doing his physical exam, he had a diagnosis at least. The wicked witch and Prince Charming patiently awaited his official disposition.

"Catatonia," Sleeping Beauty's doctor reported. "No doubt, apples laced with something. Succinylcholine, perhaps?"

"Don't look at me!" shouted the wicked witch.

"What I can't figure, though, is how she stays alive, not breathing." Dr. Grimm opened her eyelids to re-check her pupils.

"Yea, but I kind of like the sex with her still asleep," Prince Charming admitted. "As long as I don't actually kiss her, everything else goes."

"Royals!" scoffed the witch. "What you lowlifes get away with. And I want my apple back," she told the prince since he had began promenading funny after "misplacing" it.

"Still, curious," Dr. Grimm said to himself, although all heard. "She still lives. No heartbeat or pulse; chest doesn't rise and fall; her skin turgor's still pretty pliable."

"And pliably pretty," added the prince. "Look, Doc, I like her just like this. Don't do anything different." He gazed at Sleeping Beauty lasciviously. "I'll see you tonight, my little sandwoman! Alive but not completely—that's what I call sexy."

"Who says she's still alive?" the wicked witch chortled.

***

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

"Oh, what big teeth you have, Granny," observed Red.

"Micrognathia," the big bad wolf, wearing Grandma's nightgown and cold cream, explained. "It's a British thing. Just looks that way."

"What big eyes!" Red gasped.

"Exophthalmos," said the wolf. "Dr. Grimm said it's my thyroid condition."

"Deep voice?"

"Vocal polyps. HPV, I think. And don't ask!"

"So hairy."

"Hirsutism. Granny has hypertestosteronemia. I just need estrogen."

Red noted thick fur growing down her belly. "How far down does your hair grow, Granny?"

"All the way down to my balls, honey, which gives me the guts to come in here knowing a woodsman with a big axe is around."

The woodsman burst through the door. He raised his axe, taking aim, about to cure the big, bad wolf's virilization problems.