190 The First Commandment

Moses, down from Mt. Sinai, had only one tablet--only one Commandment. Self-appointed prelates, however, began subdividing it:

1st prelate: "This commandment includes never worshipping other gods."

"Twue dat!" shouted a man without teeth, with only one eye--matching his former friend's missing teeth and eye.

1st prelate: "No graven images. Our God's jealous. You know Him--He'll punish us for generations."

2nd prelate: "That also means no yappin' about the Lord in vain."

"God, yeah!" agreed someone, gnashing his teeth when he was forthwith--righteously--stoned.

3rd prelate: "Don't work the Sabbath. No servile work. No nothin'."

"What about my mother and father?" asked a lame man. "Look what their sins did to me? Can I skip honoring them?"

4th prelate: "You must honor those scumbags."

"Hey!" shouted two men and one over-defensive woman, whereupon the men eyed each other suspiciously, the woman looking at the ground.

"What about killing them? I can honor them after killing them."

"Honor-killing!" shouted another man.

5th prelate: "No killing! That's included."

"With no honor-killing..."

5th prelate: "Any killing, imbecile!"

"Imagine," added another, "no honor-killin' means no adult'ry."

6th prelate: "Right--adultery, a real dick move." The crowd laughed; the prelate didn't get it.

"Stealing?" asked a young boy, beside his very fine donkey.

7th prelate: "Can't take anything that belongs to another."

"I guess blaming it on someone else won't work," concluded an old man.

8th prelate: "Not in the eyes of the Lord. Can't lie. Did you even read the Commandment?"

"That's one fine donkey you got," said a man to the boy accusingly.

"Don't covet my ass," he sneered.

"You stole it!"

"Like you wanna steal my mama!" he taunted.

9th prelate: "Whoa! Heads up--that's smite-worthy."

"He bears false witness," the boy accused the man.

"You coveted my donkey, then stole it."

"Speaking of asses," the boy added, "your female servant--who needs to covet a donkey with an ass like hers!" The crowd roared.

Moses: "Fools! One Commandment includes everything. Don't over-bureaucratize it. We'll end up with ten. One's fine."

"Read it!" chanted the crowd.

Moses: "Our Lord is both a jealous and a laconic god..."

"THOU SHALT NOT BE A DICK."

"Yeah," agreed the first prelate. "That really covers it all."

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AUTHOR'S NOTE:

For Monday, July 8, Day 190 of the 2024 Story-a-Day Challenge

366 WORDS (without A/N)

Title-accompaniment photo was AI-generated but the Commandment is not!

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There are currently three surviving Vocal writers still participating in the insane 2024 Story-a-Day Challenge:

• L.C. Schäfer, challenge originator

• Rachel Deeming

• Gerard DiLeo (some other guy)

Read them. Support them. Pray for them. And if you wanna follow the Lord, just don't be a dick.