145 — My Address to the Virtual Graduates at the University of Phoenix Commencement

Chancellor, faculty, parents, loved ones, and students:

Thank you for inviting me as commencement speaker at your university's graduation e-vocation. Imagine my surprise when I learned online about my honored invitation. At first I didn't know, but then I checked my spam bin.

What qualifies me--just a freelance writer on a freelancing writers' website--to celebrate your hard work? It's a very good question, so I Googled it.

First, I like computers. I have one. I enjoy many things on it. Every day I learn something new from bloggers, pundits, and influencers. And the porn. I'm sure you all know that you can see it free.

Any pornographers out there getting degrees in Animal and Human Husbandry? Yes! A decent amount of you. My advice is that you keep it free. Please! Hold your applause! But remember, a free pornscape is a refractory pornscape.

I'd also like to recognize the brave who have completed curricula in majors on the brink of extinction. Would those getting their degrees in Mucus Retention Coagulation, AKA Booger Biochemistry; Malodorous Fecalithic Geology, Ancient Tongues and Modern Saliva, Regurgative Forensics, and Esoteric Virology, please stand? OK, I count two. You can sit now. Really, just sit. Fine, then, don't.

And please hold your applause to the end.

I'd like to honor one of our guests at this time. Please stand, Dr. Plebias Banaly, the esteemed mathematician who derived the formula for Octaroons, 1:8. So simple. How did we even miss it? It's important in a country known as the melting pot calling the kettle, oh, what? I can't say that? What about my historical aside into soap manufacture for ethnic cleansing? That's a no-go, too? That joke about the Middle East? Too soon?

Well, OK, I guess this thing's gonna wrap up a little early, then. Just remember, each and all of you, that I got to where I am by just writing any damn thing I pleased. And if you're offended by that, please like and comment. And a tip wouldn't hurt none, either. Thank you! Now go drink and text and drive! And if you get pulled over, just tell the cop, "Spare me the lecture, Officer, I've got my BS."

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AUTHOR'S NOTES:

"Semper ubi sub ubi" — ancient proverb.

For Friday, May 24, Day 145 of the Story-a-Day Challenge.

366 WORDS (without A/N)

Title picture was AI-generated, but the degrees are hot!

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• L.C. Schäfer, challenge originator

• Rachel Deeming

• Gerard DiLeo (some other guy)

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