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Your expectations of Child Care

Image by 华 詹 from Pixabay

By Terri MulhernPublished 3 years ago 19 min read
Top Story - January 2021
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One warning I always give any parent who is looking for childcare is that it is crucial not to have unrealistic expectations. Even though you want the very best care for your child, you have to understand that the very best care would be you staying home. Next best would be your child spending the day with grandma or Aunt Suzie who never was able to have kids of her own. If you are going to place your child in any form of childcare, including a nanny in your home, that person is a substitute and will never do things the same way you would.

That said—the biggest reason parents go from provider to provider is that no-one makes them happy when it comes to caring for their child. There are a lot of things that make parents want to leave a daycare. They may feel their child is not being held enough. Or it might be that when their child cries the response from the daycare provider isn’t immediate. Maybe they feel their child is trapped in a pac-n-play a little too often.

The stress of one bad day can cause a fracture that can’t be repaired. Try this one on for size:

About the time I was pregnant with my 8th child I got a new family with a little boy named Samuel. Samuel was adorable, with big eyes and an infectious smile. He was also the most curious child on the face of the earth. Samuel loved to pull outlet covers out of outlets, and sneak up the stairs whenever the gate wasn’t up. He would bang on the front of the new big screen TV with the wooden spoon in the kitchen cabinet he rifled through. On most days it was amusing to watch. Some days it was more than 3 adults could take.

When I interviewed with Samuel’s parents it was clear to me that mom wanted to stay home, and that no daycare was going to be good enough. She eagle-eyed my entire house and wanted to know how many minutes at a time her child would be in any kind of restraint. Her theory was that if he was put in a saucer or pac-n-play for more than 50 nanoseconds, his brain would turn to mush and he would be behind developmentally. This was something she just could not have!

I was completely shocked when they hired me a day later and came and paid their deposit. By the time Samuel started I had received 5 emails from mom with instructions for his first day. The first week they made surprise visits every day to check and make sure that their child wasn’t tied to the chair. The second week there were announced visits because they were going to be in the area (not). Things settled into a nice rhythm until the day I placed Samuel in a swing to change some babies with dirty diapers. Low and behold mom showed up early and the Shit hit the fan.

I knew from the look on her face that mom was struggling not to say anything. She took Samuel and went out the door. I watched casually as she got in her car and immediately began talking on her cell phone to someone I assume must have been her husband. Twenty minutes later there was an email in my inbox from dad’s work. It read . . . .

Terri,

My wife and I are concerned that Samuel is spending too much time in confined equipment such as infant seats, baby swings, play pens, and exer-saucers. It is difficult to view these devices in a positive light as they are little more than cages or the equivalent of tying a child to a chair. At home we have gates preventing access to the stairs and child safety locks on cabinet doors and drawers. These precautions ensure his safety and allow him to move freely around large play areas. It is important to us that, at his stage of development, he is able to walk and crawl distances greater than 5 or 6 steps. Therefore, we never put him in any type of confining equipment at home with the exception of a high chair for meals and snacks and a crib when he sleeps.

It is understandable to put him in a seat that he cannot move around in when he is eating. Although we would prefer he ate his meals in a high chair, I respect the convenience an infant seat affords. The important thing is he is not allowed to run around with food or drink. An infant seat is adequate for that purpose. It is also acceptable that he sleeps in a pack and play when necessary until you move to your new location. We expect that he will only sleep in a crib at the new location until he is old enough to sleep on a floor mat. Please inform us if this is not the case.

I do not understand why he would be in any type of restraining equipment outside of meals, snacks, or sleep time. I would not want to be tied down to a chair or confined in a closed space for any period of time and cannot imagine he would want to be either. If there are too many children to keep track of or you are unable to prevent personal injury without putting him in restraints it is important to us that we know this. That way we can make educated decisions about the level of care he is receiving and determine whether or not it is acceptable.

I would like to discuss this further when I drop Samuel off in the morning. Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Thanks,

Mike

I read the email and tried to decide how to respond. Do I tell them that their child spends 99% of his time running around the house and that 1% of the time in a pac-n-play won’t kill him? Do I lie and tell them it will never happen again? The fact of the matter was that I couldn’t promise that. I had placed their child in a swing while changing a dirty diaper, because it was impossible to chase him and clean up a poopy child. I had set his child in a saucer while serving the bigger kids lunch, while waiting for his lunch to be ready. I had placed his child in a play-yard during pick-up time to keep him from walking out the door that parents tend to leave wide open, because they are too busy chasing their own child to look out for the rest by shutting the door. I decided I would be tactful but truthful. Here was my response.

Michael:

I had Samuel in the swing for about 4 minutes today while I was changing 2 other poopy diapers because he kept heading for the kitchen and the gate was not up at the top of the stairs. I would not want him to try to go down to the playroom and fall down the stairs.

Samuel is in a playpen/ crib for naptime only. He is allowed to run free for 6 hours during the day in the playroom which is childproofed every night. The main floor of the house right now is not childproof because of the move. I understand you want Samuel to be free but I know you also want him to be safe. He was not unhappy or upset in the swing and had only been there for a few minutes when mom came. He is in a highchair or the rocker/saucer when he has snack. If you prefer the highchair to the rocker it is fine.

I know mom is nervous about Samuel. I am a mom and can appreciate your concerns, and I will make sure your child has all the freedom he needs to stay on track with motor development. Please be understanding that beginning and end of day there will be occasional times he won’t be able to wander the main floor and will have to stay in the living room with us. And every now and then he will need to be restrained for his own safety.

Terri

I felt I had responded honestly and waited to hear. There was no mention of any of it by dad after that. 2 weeks later we moved and before I had even gotten unpacked mom came with her notice in hand. She expressed that she wanted to stay home, and that they were not leaving because they were unhappy with me. She cried and seemed very sincere. I don’t know if she meant it and I will always wonder if every day they had visions of their child starving to death trapped in a dungeon in a dark room. After they left, they went back to a center. It wasn’t long before the center was in the hot seat, because a teacher had placed him in a crib for an hour in an effort to stop him from bullying other children. Unfortunately the center forgot that there were cameras attached to the internet and what they didn’t know was that mom dressed Samuel in bright orange jumpsuits so she could watch the monitors constantly and make sure her little sweetie wasn’t being neglected. This error in judgment resulted in hours of meetings with the director and the teacher, in order to ensure they would never screw up again.

Let’s face it: some parents just will never be satisfied with the way someone else will raise their child. I wish them the best. In 25 years I have been fired 6 times. All 6 times were parents who I knew from day one would probably never hire me and definitely wouldn’t last.

There are so many ways a provider can fall short of your expectations. We are, after all human. We are parents who during the day are raising a half a dozen or more children. Imagine you had a half a dozen children under the age of 4. Could you hold one child all the time? Could you run right away when a child who has just been fed and changed begins fussing? Probably not. Here are some sticking points that seem to cause problems a lot and how to work them out.

You should expect your provider to hold your child. You should not expect her to hold your child all day, even if he cries like mad every time she puts him down. As my mother used to say to me when I had my first, “No child ever died from crying”. Although the statement is true, it can be excruciating for a new mom to hear her baby cry for even a minute.

So here’s the scoop. You will probably arrive a lot of times to find your child in a saucer or bouncy seat, because during pick up time we providers have to deal with finding shoes and socks, talking with parents and kissing little ones goodbye. If your child seems content sitting there you can be assured he is getting the holding he needs. If on the other hand he is crying uncontrollably every day when you pick him up you may have cause to be concerned. Before you go looking for new daycare, drop in for a couple of unannounced visits an hour or so early. Be prepared to take your child with you rather than leaving him upset after seeing you. If when you show up unannounced your child is always in his swing screaming, it is time to discuss the issue with your provider.

Don’t assume that because your child fusses to be held every night that he is not getting held during the day. Children know your smell and will want time with you when you are away all day. In addition children as young as 6 weeks will learn the new mommy equation which is C=PMU (crying = pick me up)! My equation for success is this: 75% autonomy and 25% TLC. You should not be holding your child, even a tiny infant, more than half of their waking moments. Try holding your child for 15 minutes, then putting them down for 15. Slowly increase this until you are holding your child no more than one fourth of the time. One fourth of the time is fine as long as your child is content playing with his toes or rolling around on the floor. If your child begins crying the moment you put them down, check the obvious first. Check their diaper, do a mental inventory of when they ate last and if they finished eating. Then try the Faucet test. Here’s how . . . .

Walk over and lean over your child. If he immediately stops crying and smiles at you he is practicing playing you like a violin. Don’t you dare get played! If you pick him up and he begins laughing, put him back down and see if he has a nuclear meltdown. If so, you will have to let Chernobyl implode or you will be chained to a child who screams day and night because he can’t calm himself. In other words, if they shut off like a faucet the moment you give in, you have failed the test. It’s not just your sanity at stake. Children need time on their own to learn to self-comfort and play. They have to be put down in order to learn important skills such as rolling over and crawling. If you feel your provider is holding your child too much, let her know that you want your child to have more time on his own on the floor to develop his skills. Your provider knows this, and chances are she has her own equation that works great.

The next area that gets parents crazy is the diapers. Your child should not be coming home every week with a diaper rash. There will be times, however, that you will pick him up and he will be wet or soiled. Just like there will be times you will put a clean diaper on him to go out to dinner and he will reek by the time you are sitting down at Red Lobster (they love that there, I know from experience).

If you are putting a clean diaper on your child every morning before you leave for daycare, you should expect your provider to go through a minimum of 1 diaper for every two to three hours your child is in care. If you are not putting a clean diaper on your child before leaving for daycare you need to let your provider know so that your child’s diaper doesn’t end up leaking all over her couch because she expected your child to be clean and dry when arriving (and she has a right to have this expectation). If you are supplying diapers it is easy enough to make sure this minimum is being met. Bear in mind that this is a minimum, because generally a good provider will check diapers every 2 hours. If your child develops a diaper rash during the week that goes away on the weekend and comes back by Tuesday, do not wait to talk to your provider. Supply her with the ointment you would like used and let her know that your child needs more frequent changing. If your child develops rashes on the weekends as well, it is probably an allergy to the perfumes and dyes in the diaper, acidic urine caused by too much juice or tomato products or maybe a yeast infection. Talk with your pediatrician to try to pinpoint the problem. Here’s a good rule of thumb. Unless your child is on antibiotics frequently, which can cause diaper rashes from yeast, your child should not be having more than 4-6 diaper rashes per year, and they should clear up easily with cream and frequent changing.

You also need to be prepared to step up your game if your child has a diaper rash on the weekends that clears up every week and then comes back when your child is home with you. If that is the case, you need to make sure you are checking your child’s diaper often. If they develop a bad rash, get a bottle like the ones that you use in restaurants to fill with ketchup. Each time you change your child, wipe the ointment off with a wipe that is alcohol free. Then use the bottle to squirt warm water with baby wash in it to wash your child’s bottom thoroughly. You can put a towel under their butt to soak up the water. Let their bottom dry thoroughly before putting any kind of ointment on, because otherwise you are sealing in moisture which can lead to yeast infections. Repeat this process every diaper change until your child’s bottom is absolutely clear. In the last chapter of the book there is a recipe for a diaper rash compound that you can use to kill the worst of rashes.

Next expectation that never gets met: the belief that other children will always be sweet to your child. Whenever several children are placed in one space together, there will be the one child who is going through a hitting or biting phase. There will be the child who likes babies but hasn’t learned how to be gentle. There will also be the days when your child is that one child.

Absolutely your child has a right to be safe in daycare. You should not be seeing black eyes and fat lips from Johnny B every week. Your child should not be coming home with bite marks every other day. If your child is being attacked by the one child, don’t panic. Ask your provider about separating the two children as much as possible. When it is your child being the one, don’t make excuses. Talk with your child about nice friends and kindness and don’t ask what the other child was doing that made it acceptable for your child to bite a chunk out of him, because you know better.

If you have a good childcare provider, you can expect they will be teaching your child. If you are expecting your child to come home every day at the age of 2 with a craft project or worksheet you are among the parents who are guilty of another unrealistic expectation. This is the expectation that your child isn’t being taught unless there is a lot of tangible crap coming home every night to clutter up your counters.

The truth is that even in Kindergarten a majority of what kids learn every day does not require paper or pen and doesn’t generate anything cute to look at. Your child will be learning how to get along, how to play dress-up and how to pick up their own toys. They will learn how to feel empathy and dozens of new words to use. These things are important and although you can’t see proof, if you ask your child about their day you can evaluate what each activity would be good for. If they played restaurant, they are learning communication and creative play. If they had music time they are learning songs practicing rhythm and rhyme. Treasure the craft projects and pictures they bring home and remember it is quality, not quantity that counts.

The one expectation that makes us providers the craziest are parents who expect we will deny their children a much needed nap so that they can get them into bed at night with no argument. Children need a rest during the day up until age 6. They may not need to fall asleep, but they do need to lie down and rest. In addition, daycare is not like a corporate job. From the time the first child arrives in the morning until the last child leaves at night, providers do not have the luxury of a lunch or smoke break. We are literally with our clients all day long without any reprieve. Imagine your crankiest client and imagine spending the entire day with him in your face without a moment to yourself. Naptime is the one time of day that your provider can clean up all the mess, eat her own cold lunch and do all the paperwork necessary to keep her license current. You can negotiate with your provider the length of your child’s rest within reason, but be mindful of the fact that if your provider can get your child to fall asleep every day with no problem, and you are struggling to get them to bed on the weekends when they are with you, it may be an issue of parental control at bedtime and not an issue of too much nap.

There are at least a hundred things that parents expect that daycare providers could never provide. My contract has a paragraph that sums it up . . . .

We want to know if you have concerns. Before you start looking around for new daycare, we hope you will come and talk to us. It does not have to be confrontational; it can simply be that things are worrying you. I am a parent, and I do understand the fears of leaving your child somewhere while you work. I will tell you honestly if I can help fix what is wrong. I will also tell you if I feel you have unrealistic expectations. A simple rule of thumb is as follows: Do not expect me to do more while caring for your child than you do. If you don’t read to your child 2 hours a day please don’t expect us to. We are here to give your child a loving environment that is safe. You have the right to expect your child will be well fed, have safe toys to play with, and to receive good supervision and nurturing care. We cannot feed your child whatever he wants to eat, as much as we would like to. We cannot allow your child to sit on our lap all day; he needs to learn to play with others. We will not allow your child to be unkind or disrespectful, because that would be a disservice to him and to you. We will hug and hold your child frequently. We will give him fruits and vegetables, milk and meat and 100% juice. We will lay him down for a rest (until age 6) even though we cannot promise he will sleep. We will teach love, respect and the alphabet whenever possible. So please, ask for what you would like and then listen to what we say as well.

Sounds reasonable . . . . Doesn’t it?

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