You Don't Have to Give Me a Hug

We have an important lesson to teach our children that many of us seem to be lacking on.

That lesson is about consent, boundaries and standards.

You may be thinking, what do kids need to know about these things? They’re kids!

Yes, they are kids, and we think of those three things when we think about more adult relationships. But the truth is, it’s in our earliest relationships that we establish our understanding of these three things.

Imagine this – you’re around 5-years-old and visiting relatives with your parents.

One of you relatives, maybe your aunt, uncle, cousin, grandparent – someone wants to give you a hug. But in that moment, you don’t want a hug from them. Maybe you just don’t want a hug at all.

So, you refuse.

You don’t budge from your spot, maybe you also say “no!”

But that doesn’t stop several of the adults from saying “oh go on, it’s just a hug!!! You’ll break their heart if you don’t.”

And so, you give a hug you did not want to give in the first place.

Your consent was taken away from you.

Your right to refuse physical contact, was ignored – by your own parents.

Another scenario let’s now say the person who wanted a hug was another child.

It’s the same thing – the grown-ups insist, it’s just a hug and you are forced to give it.

Let’s go deeper. The one who wants to give a hug is a boy, and the one who does not wish to give the hug is a girl – congratulations parent, you’ve taught these children the basics to becoming ‘prey’ and ‘predator’

How can I say that? They’re just children! No one is prey and no one is predator.

Ok let’s fast forward to our pre-teen/teenager years,- heck, even now.

Ladies, how many times were you made to feel guilty for turning a boy down?

How many boys reacted like your rejection was the worst thing you could do to them?

How dare you refuse to give them a chance! They like you, maybe they even already love you!!!

You should give them a chance!

No? Why not?

Oh, that’s right, because you don’t owe anyone anything, but maybe you allow your guilt to take over and you go out with that boy. And now you’re stuck in a situation with someone who guilted you into going out with them. You’re stuck in a relationship with someone who doesn’t take your “no” for an answer.

Where did their entitlement and your guilt come from?

That day when you were 5 years old and the boy on the playground wanted a simple hug – and you were made to give it to them.

That is where that starts.

The adults making the child give the other a hug is teaching that child that their boundaries, their consent, do not matter. That they cannot simply say “no thank you” and walk away from something unwanted.

And the child who wants the hug is taught – if I keep pestering them, they will give in and I will get what I want.

It all starts with that unwanted hug, and as they get older, the unwanted hug becomes something more.

An unwanted kiss on the cheek

An unwanted arm around the shoulder.

An unwanted suitor making advances.

You own partner pressuring you into sex.

“If you love me, you’ll do this.” And now you feel guilty and pressured into doing something you’re not sure you’re ready for.

And it still only escalates from there.

I myself have been the victim of these circumstances – it all started with giving an unwanted hug too.

And one day it led to me being talked into doing certain activities with several (now former) boyfriends that I didn’t want to do.

One boyfriend confessed he almost cheated on me, because there was one activity I was certain of never doing, and he met a girl who was willing to do that with him.

Where did he get his sense of entitlement that if I did not give him what he wanted, he could even consider going elsewhere for it?

Where did he get the idea he could continuously ask me to do this thing, over and over again, despite my constant rejection?

Years later, another boyfriend talked me down into doing something I knew I would not enjoy doing. I felt I needed to do it if I wanted to keep him, and a week after I gave in, he confessed as he broke up with me, that it was in that moment that he realized he didn’t love me,

It made me feel completely conflicted. I did what he wanted. I gave in after his continuous pestering, and when I finally gave in and let him have it, he discarded me. But I knew if I didn’t give in, he was likely to discard me anyways.

And again, looking back, I ask myself – where did he develop his sense of entitlement to keep asking me to do this thing, after I kept declining?

But then I have to also ask myself this – where did I get this sense that I should feel bad for having a boundary?

Why did I feel bad for saying no before?

Why did I feel like it was all my fault he dumped me?

Where did these feelings come from?

It came from being taught “oh sweetie, he just wants a hug. Just let him have it”

It came from those small moments teaching girls like me that our boundaries don’t matter, and teaching boys like my exes that even if I say ‘No’ you can keep asking.

You can wear me down and eventually I will say ‘Yes’

And yes, I will acknowledge that this goes both ways as well.

There are women who are offended when a man rejects them.

There are women who push themselves on men, repeatedly despite them saying ‘no’.

During the peak of the #MeToo movement, I was listening to the radio in my car one day.

I was driving back home after dropping off a friend.

Some allegations came out against actress Asia Argento.

She was accused of sexually assaulting a young adult actor.

The radio hosts were discussing the assault of the young man, and one mother called in.

She confessed she always taught her daughter ‘don’t do or say this; don’t wear that; watch out for this;’ but she never thought she ever needed to have similar discussions with her own son.

She NEVER thought she’d have to talk to her son about boundaries, or even about protecting himself.

And I realized – this speaks so much truth for a lot of men.

All my exes, when asked about kids, if they would rather have a son or a daughter - while a couple of them said a daughter would be nice, they all preferred a boy.

When I asked why, they all said something similar.

It basically came down to not having to worry about a girl and her relationship with boys.

Be honest parents – you’re concerned for your little girl.

You don’t ever want her to be hurt or heartbroken – and the idea of her one day dating a boy scares the life out of you.

And I don’t even need to ask you why that is, because deep down we know – you see the boys as potential predators.

It’s not just a broken heart you’re worried about.

You know what they are capable of – that’s why you want your little girl to be safe and you want to protect her.

But when it comes to your son – how many of you just think “oh sure, he’ll be fine” and besides the usual “birds and the bees” talk – you never once thought of teaching your boy about boundaries and consent.

We rarely think about it.

We assume our sons will be ok without this extra guidance, but the truth is this: our sons and daughters would benefit it we taught our boys this.

Out of several boyfriends and God-only-knows how many guys I have been on a date or two with – my current boyfriend – even 10 months into our relationship – is the only one who has genuinely shown me respect when it comes to my standards and boundaries.

He always asks for my consent and NEVER questions me again if I say ‘No’ to something.

I have his parents to thank for that.

He was taught about consent, boundaries and standards.

And I will say this – I have absolute confidence our children, whether boys or girls, will understand their boundaries and standards, and be respectful of others.

My sons will not be predators.

My daughters will not be prey.

And vice-versa.

And it all starts when they're young.

To the children in my family & the children of my friends, it’s ok.

You don’t have to give me a hug.