Words Can Still Hurt Our Grown Children

I made a mistake. I blew it. I can admit when I am wrong, and I was wrong. I did learn a valuable lesson, though. Here it is- even when your children are grown, words still hurt. Combined with a tone, an attitude, and body language, words can still damage. No matter the age of your children.

My twenty-one-year-old son, Nate, lives with my husband and me. He has been with us for almost four years now. He had crippling anxiety and ADHD, which led to real struggles in school. So much so that he dropped out. There is more to the story, but I want to protect people’s privacy. We will say it is a decision he was pushed towards, hence why he came to live with us. He studied for two years and took his GED test, all on his own. He passed it with flying colors, and I am so proud of him for how hard he worked. Almost as soon as he got his diploma, he got a full-time job with one of the local hospitals, and he is doing exceptionally well.

Here is the other thing about my Nate. He is kind. He is gentle. He is sensitive, but not overly. He is funny and loves to laugh and have fun. When he was a child into his teen years, love came naturally to him. He still hugged me every day when I got home from work until he was around twelve. Nate was such a good boy and has turned into a good man.

Now that you have some background, here is the situation that happened. My husband, Nate, and I talked about the Father’s Day cookout we are planning. We realized Nate was going to have to work that day. I didn’t handle it well. I was pissed off and let my mouth run. I complained about his job and asked him to request it off. He couldn’t. I mentioned calling in. Also something he cannot do. The conversation ended with me miserable and angry as he walked away in silence. The thing is, I wasn’t pissed off at him; I was pissed off at the situation. I am sensitive when it comes to Father’s Day because my Father’s Days sucked for years until I married my husband.

The next day, my husband brought the whole conversation up. My son had told him that I made him feel horrible about it, and he felt like he ruined Father’s Day. That means he was thinking about it and feeling bad the whole day after that conversation.

Shit. I blew it. And I felt horrible about it.

When I saw him the next day, I apologized profusely. I explained to him that it was the situation, not him, that I was upset with. I told him I was proud of him for his job and that sometimes work gets in the way of life. I let him know that I didn’t mean to make him feel bad or hurt his feelings. The whole situation taught me a few things.

I have always understood that children need affirmation of who they are, unconditional love, and acceptance. Our words must be used carefully not to damage or wound our young kids. But with fathers and sons, it may be even more critical. If a son doesn’t feel accepted or encouraged by their father, they will stop trying. Dads need to encourage and lift up our sons, which I think is a struggle in our society.

I assumed, incorrectly, that sons didn’t need as much of that as they grew into men. I was wrong. As they enter adulthood, they may need even a little more acceptance and encouragement. And they need to hear three simple words- I’m proud of you.

It is okay to make a mistake, or lose it once in a while. Just don’t forget the making up and apologizing part. Kids need to see that from adults. And they also need to hear apologies from dads when they blow it.

And they still need hugs. Never too old for hugs. Just throwing that in there.

The other thing I realized? It is way more important to me that I have all my kids together, which is more important than the actual day itself. So we are moving our Father’s Day cookout to the following weekend. Everyone is off, and we are still calling it a Father’s Day cookout. The only thing that has changed is the date.

Nate and I are good now, and the cookout is saved. And I have a big hug waiting for all of my sons.

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