Without Me

Growing up, I never wanted kids. Looking back, we always have someone we do not want to grow up to be like. Those who know me know that I did not have the best childhood. I have not hidden my past from anyone. To be truthful, I haven't had a good relationship with my mother most of my life. I never wanted children because I never wanted my daughter to feel the way I did about my mother. For years I held onto this unhealthy feeling that was a mixture of depression, anger, and confusion. I would be lying if I said that I do not still have those days. The constant "Why am I not good enough?". Here it is 2 am, and while my children are fast asleep, I am lying awake wondering why I will never be good enough. Many tell me I should just let her go. Let go of the idea of the mother I always longed for. I know that they are right and that I should let the pain go. Most days I have, but then nights like this, I lay awake and wonder how she is doing. Many tell me I should be angry with her and choose to ignore her existence, and most days, I wish I could. Not because I hate her (no matter how much I wish I did so I wouldn't feel the pain I do) but because I want to heal from everything in our past. I always wondered what it was like to call my mother and tell her about my day. The good or the bad, and she listen and give me the advice I long for. Or to hear her laugh again under the California sky in the backyard in Lakeport. I do not have many memories where we are happy. I am learning to cherish what I did have. Growing up was rough, and I am sure there will be many more late-night stories about how my childhood was. However, these stories will not be focused on my mother because, to be honest, most of my childhood, she was not there. If you count the internet, then I guess you could say she was. Weekends every now and again at her house when my stepdad allowed. Back then, she could save me from who I am today. However, if she had, I would not have children like I had planned not to. I would have focused on a career that would leave me old and bitter, wondering what it would have been like to have children. So, in a way, I could thank her. In a way, I can erase the bitter pain. But to get close to her again is something I do not think I have left in my heart. I wish her well, and I want her to be happy. I have learned to come to terms with that a comfortable life for her is without me. I hope that she is doing good in college even though I saw she was struggling the last time she allowed me in her life. I hope her move goes well too. I worry that this post will upset her as she does not wish I think about her. Which is fine, but as her daughter, I will always worry about her. If anything, this shows me that I have grown into who I am. I am no longer angry with her because I feel that it does neither of us any good. I have come to terms that she is better off living her life without me for her happiness for whatever reason that may be. So if you have a parent who you feel your distance is better for their happiness, learn to let go and focus on yourself. At first, it will hurt, but it will save you the pain of "why am I not good enough". You can still love your family from a distance and wish them well.

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