Why are adults afraid of children expressing their true feelings?

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10 years of deep cultivation of psychoanalysis will help you have less inner conflict and more spiritual freedom.

(ID:zqfxlgzs)

I saw a piece of news: a girl in Zhejiang tried to jump off a bridge to commit suicide. Fortunately, she was rescued by fire and rescue workers. The girl just got out of danger and her father slapped her.

If it hadn't been for the onlookers to stop the crowd, my father would have continued to stage the situation of force education.

The girl cried, "you see, you push me like this every time!"

Netizens left messages one after another: it broke my heart. The kids are dying, and they teach you a lesson? Is the face of the parents more important than the life of the child? I don't understand.

However, a considerable number of parents think that today's children are too fragile and are prone to self-injury and death. Shouldn't they learn a long lesson?

As a result, many people remember that when they were young, they were rescued by their neighbors because they accidentally fell into the river, or after being injured, they were beaten up by their parents when they came home.

This is very puzzling, and you may get caught up in the inner conflict of "whether my parents love or hate me."

From the standpoint of parents, a general explanation is that anger is included in all the loss of objects (or about to be lost). Under the anger is a great fear of losing the object.

It is understandable that parents are extremely afraid of the object of losing their child; the direct behavior is the almost instinctive reaction of hitting the child.

In the case at the beginning of the article, the father said, "I'm so angry." his slap meant: I'm going to kill your heart.

How scared will other parents be?

They use the defense mechanism of "anti-fear", the principle is to "seek death, not afraid of death" to ease the anxiety about death or the loss of the object.

For example, yell at the child: "if you want to die, who is holding you?" , "die together", this kind of verbal violence can sometimes push children to despair even more than fighting.

When parents do not know it and use their own desire and cognitive ability to force their children to have no way out, the children can only take extreme ways to resist.

Self-injury and suicide are children's last hope of awakening their parents.

I have a friend who tried to commit suicide many times in adolescence. He imagined that his relatives and friends would grieve for him after his death, and his parents suffered and regretted it.

But then he decided not to die, because from his parents' attitude towards him, he believed that if he did die, his parents would not be sad, but would laugh at him.

He thinks like this: if death cannot change his parents, then retain the right to die, as if holding a bargaining chip to live on, as long as it is not fulfilled, he can continue to believe that his parents care about him; and he always has a "way" to face and punish parents who don't love him.

I was shocked by this mental description of my friend.

Parents really need to know what efforts and persistence their children have made in the final helplessness in order to survive.

Maybe I wanted to get out of this sad atmosphere as soon as possible. I joked with my friend: "if you hadn't had such a big brain, I wouldn't have seen you today."

I would like to say that what is as heart-wrenching as self-injury and suicide is the difficult process of survival in the endurance of children. Parents should thank these children for growing up.

Some parents are so upset that they don't know why their children behave extremely; even when they want to understand their children's inner world, there is always a gap that makes it difficult for them to get close to their children emotionally.

They like to ask "what to do", and when you ask them to imagine themselves as children to experience, these parents are confused because they don't know what the inner child wants.

At this time, we know that there is also an emotionally closed object relationship within parents.

This leads them to use their minds more to deal with children; more unreasonable conventions, social acceptance, personal expectations, and so on.

And it is precisely this part that leads to the conflict of parent-child relationship, and the serious ones gradually force the child to a "dead end".

On the one hand, parents may have been asked or beaten to grow up when they were children, and they naturally use the same way out of recognition of their native families; forgetting the past means betrayal.

On the other hand, if they abandon the original model and meet their children's needs, they may activate the trauma that they have not been treated well, which is exactly what the subconscious level should avoid.

Another possibility is that parents have violent conflicts in their hearts, often in a state where the superego is about to suppress desires, and the self can't handle it in the middle, and then imperceptibly pass it on to the child; externally, contain the needs of the child as if he were an enemy.

A previous tragedy: the 14-year-old son suffered from depression and abnormal behavior. The master invited by my father to cure the disease claimed to be possessed by ghosts and spirits, so he dispelled evil spirits and cured the disease by means of drawing spells, inviting gods, and forcibly feeding talisman water. After that, the son's physical condition deteriorated, and the father drew a bowl of water to feed it, and soon the son died.

Symbolically, the abnormality of the child is the externalization of the inner enchantment of the parents, and what Fu Shui really wants to eliminate is the desire and taboo in the father's heart.

From a psychological point of view, all kinds of superstition anti-disease series are probably this routine.

At the same time, for the father, the very fact that he has a depressed child may make him feel different from others. It is also this "different" that he wants to destroy.

In the family, apart from the extreme situation, there is also some relatively common atmosphere of relationship between members, which is worthy of our deep consideration.

For example, parents cannot accept their children to express melancholy and sadness, and they are less likely to allow their children to be too complacent and happy.

A girl told me that she was so embarrassed to go to a classmate's house.

Because when she stays in this classmate's home, she has to put away her feelings, overactive appears dazzling, the family does not talk when eating, happy and sad can not talk about, there is no emotion and parents can communicate.

We can imagine families sitting around eating and drinking, chatting and laughing, which may seem too intimate to some people and arouse the anxiety of inner integration.

Similarly, if a child complains to his parents about being bullied by his classmates at school, the parents will be very impatient, accusing the child of being too pussy, not allowed to cry, and so on.

If parents are going to deal with these problems with their children, it means that they need to be very close to their children's feelings, and they are afraid to do so.

As written in the lyrics: because of the love you love, dream your dreams, sad your sadness.

The atmosphere at home is too dignified, and the space is filled with the fusion anxiety of fear of being annihilated.

It can also be understood in turn from separation anxiety that if children do what they want and have a healthy and autonomous personality, parents will face the risk of being abandoned.

Some people ask: why are you afraid of integration? Isn't it good for everyone to be happy together and enjoy a loving relationship?

Yes, of course. But it is also important to know that, like the desire for integration, the desire for separation is an essential need in our relationship. In other words, everyone is conflicted at the bottom of his heart.

Confl