When a Friend Feels Emotionally Unavailable: Making Room for Mutual Support

If Your Friends Aren't Emotionally Available

Sometimes we feel close to a friend but not close enough to open up about our problems.

They know your birthday and will come help you when you're moving. But if you open up to them about something you're struggling with, they change the subject. Maybe you open up to your friend and they always listen to you, but you never feel comfortable opening up to them.

Perhaps you think you're asking too much from them. Rather than put a label on your friend, understand how you can both be supported in this friendship. Is there space to open up to them and have them open up to you? Do you feel comfortable asking them for support?

Being emotionally available in a friendship can mean many things. Perhaps just understanding that your friend wants to know what's going on in your life. Maybe they are good at supporting you by helping you when you need it. Emotional availability doesn't have to be deep and personal with your friend.

Some friends may be more hands-on, and others are better at providing you with words. There are friends that take a bit longer to open up to you about their problems, and some like to let it all out as it happens.

All of these things may not mean your friend isn't emotionally available for you. What matters is if they are willing to open up to you as well and make that space in the friendship.

Your friend may not know what to say when you're upset, but maybe they will offer to sit with you.

"I'm sorry you're going through this. Would you like me to stay with you or do you want me to call you later?"

There may be a concern if you always have space in your friendship for your friends. When it's your turn to have that space, you never feel like you can. You may notice that when you try to tell them about something, they brush it off. And your friends want to know that you're there for them when they need you.

Of course, this could be a moment, but if this is something that continues to happen, you may want to take note of it.

Friendship Emotional Availability Example

Say Riley and Jo have been friends for a long time. Jo is very helpful to Riley when they need assistance with tasks. Riley knows that when they need someone to help them move, they can count on Jo to show up. Jo has had a bad week at work, and Riley was able to listen to Jo about their troubles and check in on them after.

However, when Riley tells Jo about how they are having a hard time with their family taking care of their elderly relative, Jo gives them advice and moves on to talk about work. This has happened more than once, so Riley starts to hold back when opening up to Jo. Even if their problem isn't resolved, they don't want to open up to their friend.

Maybe Jo is a very helpful person and shows love to Riley by helping them with tasks. But Riley may notice that this isn't helping them feel better, and they need someone to talk to.

Riley doesn't have to put a label on Jo and call them an emotionally unavailable friend. But maybe they can let Jo know what they are looking for in this friendship. Maybe they want more than just practical help from their friend.

Ask For Help In Your Friendship

"Can you be more supportive?" can mean a lot of things. It's best to ask for what you are looking for in a situation. Here are some examples:

"I want to tell you more about this. Can you hear me out for a few more minutes?"

"I have been having a lot of problems lately, and I just need someone to talk to. I know this may not help, but could you just listen to me while I process this?"

"I like that we can be open with each other. I've noticed that we always open up to each other about what's going on with you. Is there any room to hear what's going on in my life?"

"If you aren't able to help me tonight, I understand. I will talk to someone else, and we can talk later."

You are giving your friend a chance to hear what you need from them. Maybe they aren't used to this, but you can see how they react to this. They may not know what to say, but if they try to listen to you, that's a good thing.

What Happens After

After you open up to your friend and tell them you need help, there are many things that your friend can do to show that they care. Ask you questions or just let you talk about what's going on in your life. They can also let you know that they aren't able to talk about it at the time and can talk to you later.

You can ask your friend to be there for you in certain ways. If your friend is unable to help you with one aspect, do they care about finding another way to be there for you? Or when you mention this about the friendship, you feel dismissed and blamed.

Your friend may be going through something in their life that is taking up most of their time. Keep that in mind when speaking to your friend. However, you can understand your friend's situation and realize that your friendship isn't one that can help you in this way.

Maybe you haven't told your friend what they can do for you. Be open with your friend about what you need so you aren't left feeling unfulfilled in your friendship.

Know Your Friend

Not every friend has to be your best friend. You can have friends that you know you can hang out with and help you out with things. But you may not be able to open up to them about your life.

Once you understand what type of friendship you have, you can start to ask your friend to be there for you in that way. Maybe Jo is a great friend to have help you with tasks and go to fun things with you. But when Riley wants to open up about personal issues, they can ask someone else for that type of support.

If you continue to feel sad about your friendship and your friend won't listen to you, you can start to distance yourself from your friend. There's no need to announce that your friend is emotionally unavailable to everyone. You can decide how much time you want to spend with them and what you want to open up to them about.

Ask To Open Up To Your Friend

Don't feel embarrassed to tell your friend that you want them to open up to you about what's going on in their life. Just because you want your friend to open up to you doesn't mean they have to carry all your problems. Allow your friendships to be there for each other.

By opening up to your friend about what you need, you can see how they react to this. If they allow you to open up to them, that's a great step. But if they don't, you may need to reconsider how much you open up to them.

Emotional unavailability can show up in romantic relationships, too. For signs and next steps in that context, read my guide, What Does Emotionally Unavailable Mean? Signs and What You Can Do.