What to Do When In-laws Take Over Family Events

This particular Dear Abby column caught my attention. The person who wrote in was frustrated by his sister-in-law‘s dominance in the family….Particularly when it came to gatherings.

He lamented that she simply took over every single event. No one else in the family could plan anything or even contribute unless she was in charge:

“Over these 21 years, I have observed that any decisions involving their family gatherings and vacations are strictly determined by his sister, with no consideration given to whether the time, location, etc., works for Isaac.

Adding insult to injury, when he has expressed hesitation or a desire to do something else, his parents step in and pressure him to do what his sister wants. Their mother once even stated, ‘It’s just easier to do what your sister wants.’ While this might sound cute to some, Isaac and his sister are in their 50s.”

I agreed with Abby’s response. She advised the writer to plan his own activities and try to convince his husband to join.

This conflict-avoidance behavior is ingrained and hard to break. So, I wouldn’t issue ultimatums or threats. It takes time to change behavior. If your husband sees that you are off on fun adventures and he is forced to attend the family gatherings alone, he may see that doing whatever the sister-in-law wants is futile.

Not only do you lose control of your own life, simply acquiescing gives her the power to continue this controlling behavior.

In this Reddit thread, the OP suggested to her husband that she stay home instead of spending Thanksgiving with the in-laws where she feels like ”an accessory.”

But the husband refuses to go without his wife:

“How do you all deal with holidays with in-laws? My husband’s reasoning for wanting to go is “when I was little, my family hated going to each other’s parents’ houses, but we just did it anyway, because that’s what you do with family”. I just cannot relate with that mentality. To me, spending a lot of money and energy to go somewhere in which I feel like a ghost doesn’t feel worth it to me for “family”. I suggested my husband go with my daughter, because that’s really who they want to see, but he said if you’re not going I’m not going. I just feel like I’m tearing him away from his family, which is not my intent; my intent is to protect my energy.”

Most of the commenters agreed that the OP should not feel responsible for her husband’s relationship with his family. Take back your holiday and plan your own traditions.

I love this woman’s advice:

“As an older woman sliding into retirement, my son and I do our holidays "around" the date and not ON the date. I can guarantee you (in writing if you wish) that Christmas home alone (even if its just the two of you) in your jammies eating junk food and watching movies ROCKS just as much as seeing family. Now that assumes these are relatives you like and who like you. My rule for ANYTHING is if I have a $1000 and 5 days leave how do I want to spend it and who do I want to spend it with? Sounds like they dont make the list. Dont bother.”

To me, sitting around watching movies and eating junk food is a way better way to spend the holidays that socializing with people who make me feel invisible. I know it’s hard, but don’t allow guilt to guide your decisions. Spend precious holidays and time off doing whatever you want to do, not what others expect of you.