What Came After: The Week Everything Broke Open

Last week I told you about the day I finally said enough.

The Fear of What Came Next

Going home to tell him I'd filed had me filled with fear. Once I filed, I also felt relief, finally going through with it.

That week, things truly escalated. We got into another argument, and I told him I was leaving and taking the kids to a shelter. He told me I could leave, but I couldn't take the kids. He and his attorney wouldn't let me. I felt trapped. I told him he couldn't do that. It kept escalating, and I told him to just leave. He told me his attorney said he didn't have to, that he could stay. His eyes had gone black again, from his rage, his loss of control.

I told him if he didn't stop and didn't leave, I would call the cops. He didn't. So I called.

Two days after this was my son's appointment, and he came back to watch the kids that day so I could go to the hospital. This is when I opened up about feeling unsafe. I was scared to go home, because he was free to stay there at that point. He was only sent away for the night, to let things cool off. I couldn't live in a house with him any further.

A social worker got involved. DCYF showed up. He was removed from the home, and within days he was placed on supervised visitation.

I was so scared. I had no idea how I would pay bills or buy food or do anything. I just kept praying, leaning on my support system I'd developed over the previous year, volunteering at a church food ministry. It was what got me through it all.

I was so scared, yet I had this weird sense of peace at the same time. I don't know how else to explain it. I believe that was God's peace I was feeling.

More to come on this one later.

Why Every Survivor Needs an Exit Plan

Leaving isn't one clean moment. It's messy, and it usually gets harder before it gets safer, not easier. That's part of why a plan matters so much.

An exit plan just means having a few pieces in place, so when you're ready, or when you need to move fast, you're not doing it blind. A few things worth thinking through ahead of time:

• Copies of important documents (ID, birth certificates, financial records) kept somewhere safe, outside the home, if possible, along with a duffle bag with some essential needs.

• A support person or two you can call any time, day or night

• The name and number of a local shelter or advocate, even if you never think you'll need it

• A basic understanding of your rights and the resources available for housing, legal help, and financial support

What I'd Do Differently

There are many things I would do differently looking back, things I didn't know at the time would have been the smarter choice. I filed without claiming the abuse on my petition, and that was a mistake. It kept him protected and changed how our divorce was handled. I made rash choices without a plan.

I'm telling you this because I don't want another woman blindsided the way I was, simply because no one warned her it mattered.

If you're in the early stages of leaving, please, before you file anything, talk to a domestic violence advocate or an attorney who understands abuse cases. What you include, or leave out, in those first documents can follow you through the entire process.

If you're in this place right now, please hear me: you don't have to have it all figured out before you reach out. You don't have to do this alone.

If you need support:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788 (thehotline.org)

I want to help you. This is part of why I do the work I do now. If you want someone walking next to you while you figure it out, I'm here.

If you're standing where I stood right now, still fogged in by blinders or newly awake and terrified of what's next, you are not alone. I see you. And there is a way through.