Wasted Years....

Retiring and relocating to North Las Vegas, Nevada in 2004 was something we looked forward to and planned accordingly. We moved into a new, but rapidly growing community. Our lives in Whittier, California were quite different; I worked full time in LaCanada, California and my husband owned his business in Santa Fe Springs, California. Our hours were quite different, we always ate dinner together, but our work hours varied. Our together time was a few hours in the evening and great weekends. When not working, we were always together...but also separate.

We seldom retired at the same time, my work schedule was on the Eastern Time Zone and my husband’s hours were basically on the Pacific Time Zone. Having to rise at 4:00am eac morning starting my workday at 5:30am, I left home while he was still asleep. Oftentimes, however, I would awaken during the night and find him awake watching television. Of course, it was the news.

My husband always watched news and sports stations. I was more interested in documentaries and drama movies. The only time we watched television together was on weekends and that was watching rented videos. On weekends we rented five to ten movies and had our movie marathons. However, when those movies ended, we were back to our individual televisions.

Our lifestyles in Las Vegas changed quite drastically. The layout of our home was quite different from our home in Whittier, California. The majority of his time was spent in the family room watching television, while I sat in the living room watching my stations. Our conversations were usually short, yelling from room to room but always pleasant.

We ate out oftentimes at buffets, where we also spent time playing keno on the slot machines. During those times we met many locals, individuals we knew by face, never by names. These people became my husband’s friends. They talked sports, athletes p, etc. They were casino friends.

Oftentimes I felt saddened that we were so separated in the same home but, it seemed to work well for us. However, thinking back I can’t help but wonder whether that extensive alone time in our family room had any affect with him developing Alzheimer’s Disease. I remember talking to my mom many times and when she questioned me about my husband, I would tell her he was in the family room watching television. She always stated that I should be in the family room with him. I dismissed her comments because we had always watched different stations.

My husband has always been a loner. I can never remember him having a close male friend during our entire time together. His acquaintances were always work related. Over the years, my friends became his friends. As always, I received telephone calls constantly from various friends. Therefore, our separation was extremely different in that I interacted with friends, as well as watched television. Additionally, friends visited me and we would sit in the living room talking, studying the Bible or watching movies. However, we always joined my husband during mealtimes.

I can’t help but wonder whether or not there was simply too much alone time for my husband which led to his cognitive decline. Even though he seemed to enjoy his alone time, his golf, basketball and news stations, was that enough. Could more human interaction have prevented this devastating disease. These questions haunt me because there are no definitive answers regarding Alzheimer’s, just a multitude of unanswered questions.

We were in the same house, in separate rooms watching television, however I oftentimes had someone watching movies with me. Also, I received constant telephone calls. I can probably count the telephone calls my husband receives on one hand.

Now our time together is 24/7 but, is it really quality time as compared to the years we lived separately in the same house. Should I have learned to enjoy golf, basketball or the news? Looking back, I would give anything for that opportunity to sit in the family room with him, simply being in his company and enjoying his presence.

He was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 2009. He became bedridden in 2016, and cognitive brain decline has progressed since that day he went into cardiac and respiratory arrest in our home. I’m about four feet from him in that same family room. However, rather than a sofa and recliner, my twin bed is next to his hospital bed. We talk but deciphering what he’s saying is a part of our life. Learning to speak and understand Alzheimer’s and Dementia is an ongoing task, which I take moment by moment.

Keeping him fed, medicated, and clean is done with the help of caregivers seven days per week. An out of pocket cost not covered by Medicare or Blue Cross Insurance. He watches television, listens to music, sings and talks. More often than not, we don’t truly know what he’s saying but we respond regardless.

I can’t help but think of the “Wasted Years” we spent apart in the same home. I can’t go back and change the years I wasted, but I can begin where those wasted years ended. My husband may not recall those times he spent alone watching television, or the conversations we had yelling between rooms but, he does recognize my voice, he remembers my face and he feels I’m always here for him. I assure him of my presence, I don’t leave the room without making him aware that I’m leaving, where I’m going and telling him I will return. When I return, I tell him, “I’m back.” He feels how a person cares about him and he responds accordingly. And, I know he doesn’t forget how I make him feel...loved, protected and never subjected to neglect or abuse.

Alzheimer’s May destroy ones memories but it can’t destroy love because true love remains in the heart. Again, he may not remember many things about our years together but he will know how I care for him and make him feel. He’s cared for with love, compassion, respect, patience, kindness and dignity.

Take this advice from me, time is free but it’s priceless and it’s also limited. Time is yours to use but it’s not something you own...you can never get back WASTED YEARS.