Underneath the Surface, I'm a Mess

*originally posted on Medium

I was a hot mess during the movie Encanto. I watched the majority of the movie, crying on my boyfriend's shoulder. By the end, I was inspired by the message it left behind. I found myself able to relate to all the characters.

I am the oldest of three siblings. I was responsible for looking after, taking care of, and raising my other siblings. The only one in charge of watching over us was me. I knew my siblings inside out, and this was my role. I knew what it meant to take on responsibility for another human being. I know what it feels like to carry the weight of yourself and others.

For me, the most relatable character was Luisa Madrigal. I cried for more reasons than one, and here's why.

I come from a Hispanic family.

My grandparents pushed me to help them as much as possible. I started learning how to cook, clean, and take responsibility for life around the house. While my other siblings got to play outside, I was learning inside.

Mostly, I was in charge of helping my mother at all times. Whenever she couldn't do something, I was next in line to help.

I often went to work with both my grandfather and father. I understood the value of a good work ethic from a young age.

Watching Luisa take care of everyone reminded me of this feeling I used to get when I was younger. I felt the need to care for everyone, including the people responsible for me.

I am a person of service.

Similar to Luisa, I felt the need to carry the weight of everyone's problems. I put on this reliable persona, and because of this, my family relied on me for everything. Nothing was ever too big of a challenge, and I was always prepared to put myself first.

As my siblings got older, I noticed my grandparents didn't push them to do the same things as me. My siblings weren't asked to clean the house or learn to mow a lawn. It was evident that my siblings and I had different experiences growing up.

I never said no.

I never refused a challenge. Even if I was nervous or afraid, I pushed myself to try. I didn't want to be labeled as lazy or selfish. If I didn't take on a challenge it meant that I was weak and incapable.

Over the years, this guilt and shame would loom over me every time I wasn't doing something. Due to the overwhelming guilt and shame, I never took the time to be with myself.

I constantly worried about the problems of others. Even if it wasn't my place to intervene, I would somehow wedge myself in the middle of their problems. I wanted to rescue everyone from their problems.

If I wasn't there to help others, then what was my purpose?

I put on a mask for years.

There have been times when I felt afraid, nervous, and stressed. Despite having these feelings, I found a way to bury them inside of me. I never communicated them to myself or professionals.

Looking back, I often disassociated from my feelings. I would never cry, scream, or shout. I hated expressing my true feelings. In my mind, I thought that if I expressed how I truly felt, my family would lose their trust and faith in me. I feared that people would see the real me and think that I was worthless.

I carried the weight of expectation.

"But wait, if I could shake the crushing weight of expectation? Would that free up some room for joy, relaxation, or simple pleasure?" - Luisa Madrigal

When Luisa sang this line, I lost it. All the memories and feelings shot up like an emotional volcano. For the first time in a while, I acknowledged my feelings and successfully expressed them. Above all else, when she described the crushing weight of expectation, I related to this all too well.

I had to be perfect in everything, otherwise, I would be like everyone else. I was the shining example for my siblings to follow. I spent most of my childhood hiding what was underneath the surface

I hesitated writing this because I spent years not talking about this part of my life. I spent three years trying to unpack all the emotions and memories from the past. Doing this hasn't been easy, but it's something that I continue to work on each day.

I wrote this for the older siblings.

The eldest is a master of hiding their true feelings. The eldest sibling is the confident, strong, and reliable one. Most people wouldn't take the initiative to ask them if they need help because they make it seem like they can hold their own.

I know this because I never asked anyone for anything. I dealt with everything in silence. Even in my worst moments, when I had the most stress and questions, I relied on myself to bounce back. I constantly neglected help from others, was dishonest about my problems and suffered in silence.

On the occasion that someone did ask me how I felt, I lied. I lied about a lot of things when it came to myself. Somewhere along the way, I'd built walls around my heart so that no one could see what was inside.

When I was younger, I wish people would've bothered me more.

I wish my mother would've asked me how she could help, even if I pushed her away. Even if I kicked and screamed, I still wanted her to fight to get to know me. I desperately wanted others to do the same for me, as I did for others.

If you're someone who has an older sibling, ask them how they're doing. Express your gratitude with kind words and actions. Even the strongest of people need help, guidance, and love. Understand that everyone is dealing with something underneath the surface. After watching Encanto, many people started creating reaction videos online to her character. I discovered that other people like myself share similar experiences.

Luisa's story brings awareness to what it means to be the oldest sibling. I wish I could've seen this when I was younger if I had, I would've done things differently. Luisa gave me the courage to speak my experience into existence, and I'm here to encourage you to tell your story.