True Life: Motherhood

Surprises. This is what motherhood has brought me thus far.

I became a first-time mom just a few months back and am surprised at how different it is from what I imagined and had heard. I am surprised at myself, surprised at my husband, and surprised by my daughter daily. Here are some of things I have come to understand about motherhood that no one really talks about.

Please know, these comments are based on my experience and my experience alone and I don't expect everyone to agree with them.

That is totally cool by me!

1. It. Is. Freaken. Hard.

No, seriously. I know everyone says this and you think you understand. Trust me when I say that YOU HAVE NO FREAKING CLUE unless you have lived it. I know, I know, it's annoying to hear that and I can see you rolling your eyes at the screen, but it is so accurate.

For example, I thought I was 100 percent prepared. I work for a Montessori school (ages six weeks to five years) for Christ's sake! I have a Master's Degree in Education, have been a rec counselor and a babysitter, and have had a natural affection for any baby within the surrounding area my entire life! I have changed more diapers than I can count, had my share of mini-crises, and have even had to flip a choking baby upside down more than once.

It didn't matter. It didn't help me one iota.

Taking care of your own child, specifically, your brand new bundle of joy (or demon spawn — you choose) is so much different than doing it for a living or for fun. Add three to five days of no more than an hour of sleep, an unexpected c-section (which feels like you have been sawed open while awake, OH YEAH, YOU HAVE!), the immense amount of visitors who show up JUST as baby falls asleep and you have one eye closed, and a husband who snores and sleeps through the baby crying to the mix and you've got the first days of motherhood in essence.

There is hope and it will get better, but if you had tried to tell that to me in the above mentioned scenario one more time, I would have involuntarily found my fist saying hello to your face.

2. There is just so much unexpected guilt!

Everyone always talks about how motherhood is hard, how motherhood is rewarding, how motherhood will make you pull your hair out, etc. What I have never come across is anyone mentioning how much guilt you feel! Maybe it was just my experience, but I constantly felt (and sometimes still feel) guilty for any number of things.

When she was born, I felt guilty that I wanted sleep more than I wanted to hold her. I felt guilty that I was frustrated with her for crying when I was tired. I felt guilty that I was frustrated that breast feeding wasn't going as well as it should and none of this was her fault — but I felt like it was. I felt guilty that I had hoped for this child for so long and yet here I was missing my old life and my old ability to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted (and sleep, oh that glorious, glorious sleep!). I felt guilty that I missed the outside world and wished I was out there instead of inside every day. I felt guilty for throwing numerous tantrums for being over tired and even using phrases like "I can't do this!" All of this made me feel like a horrible person who didn't deserve this precious little girl.

Being on the other side of it now, I can see that I was just over-tired, over-emotional, and adjusting. I can see now that it was normal and I just needed time to adapt. I understand all of this now, but being in the middle of it at the time, unable to think clearly, I felt awful. I questioned whether I had postpartum depression 100 times a day and worried that I would never feel right again.

I did and I do, but it did take a month or so to get there. As things became easier and we developed a routine (AND I GOT SLEEP!), I found that I was able to think more clearly, cope much better, worry less, and pay more attention to giving my child the love and care she deserved.

3. It is the most overwhelmingly emotional thing i have ever done.

Motherhood is like being on a rollercoaster that you kind of NEED to get off, but are enjoying way too much to. A rollercoaster with spit-up and lots of poop that's not yours, and hair pulling (it's fun when they learn to grab!), and tears, and a tiny human attached to your side. One day you're up, riding the fun wave of the rollercoaster, enjoying the moment. The next day you're plummeting down assuming that this will inevitably be the end for you, only to rise back up like the vomit covered phoenix you truly are!

No, but all kidding aside, its crazy how much your emotions change. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll laugh while crying, you'll have no idea why you're crying but it's happening again — MAKE IT STOP! You'll see cheesy commercials and TV shows in a new light, and cry, again. You'll watch your child sleeping (obviously checking to make sure they're breathing for precisely the 1 millionth time) and cry and smile, again. You and your partner will argue about everything under the sun, and sometimes for no particular reason at all. It will all happen and it will all become a normalcy in your life, but it's a fun kind of crazy. One you didn't know you wanted. Like the crazy family reunion you go to with that one weird cousin and the aunt that pinches your face. You've joined the circus and it's a glorious ball of emotion. Congrats!

1. It. Is. Freaken. Hard.

No, seriously. I know everyone says this and you think you understand. Trust me when I say that YOU HAVE NO FREAKING CLUE unless you have lived it. I know, I know, it's annoying to hear that and I can see you rolling your eyes at the screen, but it is so accurate.

For example, I thought I was 100 percent prepared. I work for a Montessori school (ages six weeks to five years) for Christ's sake! I have a Master's Degree in Education, have been a rec counselor and a babysitter, and have had a natural affection for any baby within the surrounding area my entire life! I have changed more diapers than I can count, had my share of mini-crises, and have even had to flip a choking baby upside down more than once.

It didn't matter. It didn't help me one iota.

Taking care of your own child, specifically, your brand new bundle of joy (or demon spawn — you choose) is so much different than doing it for a living or for fun. Add three to five days of no more than an hour of sleep, an unexpected c-section (which feels like you have been sawed open while awake, OH YEAH, YOU HAVE!), the immense amount of visitors who show up JUST as baby falls asleep and you have one eye closed, and a husband who snores and sleeps through the baby crying to the mix and you've got the first days of motherhood in essence.

There is hope and it will get better, but if you had tried to tell that to me in the above mentioned scenario one more time, I would have involuntarily found my fist saying hello to your face.

2. There is just so much unexpected guilt!

Everyone always talks about how motherhood is hard, how motherhood is rewarding, how motherhood will make you pull your hair out, etc. What I have never come across is anyone mentioning how much guilt you feel! Maybe it was just my experience, but I constantly felt (and sometimes still feel) guilty for any number of things.

When she was born, I felt guilty that I wanted sleep more than I wanted to hold her. I felt guilty that I was frustrated with her for crying when I was tired. I felt guilty that I was frustrated that breast feeding wasn't going as well as it should and none of this was her fault — but I felt like it was. I felt guilty that I had hoped for this child for so long and yet here I was missing my old life and my old ability to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted (and sleep, oh that glorious, glorious sleep!). I felt guilty that I missed the outside world and wished I was out there instead of inside every day. I felt guilty for throwing numerous tantrums for being over tired and even using phrases like "I can't do this!" All of this made me feel like a horrible person who didn't deserve this precious little girl.

Being on the other side of it now, I can see that I was just over-tired, over-emotional, and adjusting. I can see now that it was normal and I just needed time to adapt. I understand all of this now, but being in the middle of it at the time, unable to think clearly, I felt awful. I questioned whether I had postpartum depression 100 times a day and worried that I would never feel right again.

I did and I do, but it did take a month or so to get there. As things became easier and we developed a routine (AND I GOT SLEEP!), I found that I was able to think more clearly, cope much better, worry less, and pay more attention to giving my child the love and care she deserved.

3. It is the most overwhelmingly emotional thing I have ever done.

Motherhood is like being on a rollercoaster that you kind of NEED to get off, but are enjoying way too much to. A rollercoaster with spit-up and lots of poop that's not yours, and hair pulling (it's fun when they learn to grab!), and tears, and a tiny human attached to your side. One day you're up, riding the fun wave of the rollercoaster, enjoying the moment. The next day you're plummeting down assuming that this will inevitably be the end for you, only to rise back up like the vomit covered phoenix you truly are!

No, but all kidding aside, it's crazy how much your emotions change. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll laugh while crying, you'll have no idea why you're crying but it's happening again — MAKE IT STOP! You'll see cheesy commercials and TV shows in a new light, and cry, again. You'll watch your child sleeping (obviously checking to make sure they're breathing for precisely the 1 millionth time) and cry and smile, again. You and your partner will argue about everything under the sun, and sometimes for no particular reason at all. It will all happen and it will all become a normalcy in your life, but it's a fun kind of crazy. One you didn't know you wanted. Like the crazy family reunion you go to with that one weird cousin and the aunt that pinches your face. You've joined the circus and it's a glorious ball of emotion. Congrats!

4. Your husband (or partner) will try their best, but they just don't understand.

My husband was, scratch that, IS a saint. He has listened to me whine, dried my tears, checked my wounds, put our family before himself, and taken care of me and a newborn while I recovered from my cesarian. Before our daughter, he had never even held a baby. No, I'm not kidding. He always wanted his child to be the first. (I told him I would have liked for him to practice on other people's babies first, but no dice.) Despite how hard he tried, he just couldn't comprehend my sadness or my stress in such an incredibly happy time.

Here's the thing. While we moms (if you are staying home for maternity leave or forever) adjust to being confined to our homes, to feeling like a never ending milk machine, to despairing over feeling like we have to choose between taking care of ourselves or our babies, our husbands have to adjust to missing out. My husband took off two weeks to be home with us and when he went back, he had a serious case of FOMO, one that I completely understand. He worried he'd miss everything from her first giggle to her first step and felt like she "liked me more" because she was getting used to me taking care of her. Thus being said, he simply could not understand for the life of him why I would be stressed or sad about being home with her and getting to see all of this first hand.

It took so many conversations and tears between the two of us to finally find a place where I think we both understood the other's side. At first it was almost like we were competing as to who did more. That wasn't productive. Finally I had to explain to him that it wasn't that I didn't want to take care of her, it was more that I was mourning my previous care free life. I tried to describe to him that when he goes to work, he gets a lunch break and gets to punch out and come home for the night. This doesn't happen for a mom. I am with her 24/7 regardless if I need to use the bathroom, shower, or am sick. I don't get a lunch break (or lunch half the time!), nor do I get to "punch out and go home." While I wouldn't change a thing, it was, at times, so freaken hard. I often felt like I was whining (and maybe I was!), but I also felt like if I didn't express it that postpartum depression would have been a real thing for me.

What got us past each of us feeling frustrated and jealous of the other's position, was talking it out and finally coming to an understanding. In fact, him simply understanding where I was coming from made me feel SO MUCH better and made my stressful days more manageable. He felt like his fears were being heard and validated as well. It's amazing what a little compassion can do for others.

5. It is the most rewarding thing I have ever done with my life.

You knew I had to end on a positive note, right? ;)

I always knew I wanted to be a mother. What I didn't realize is how much it changes you. Yeah, I had heard so many other parents talk about that and how emotional it makes you, but honestly I scoffed at it. I always thought to myself, "My god, these people are so lame. Having a kid is awesome and all, but seriously? So sappy!"

I am here to tell you that I have since fallen into the sap, I am the sap, I love the sap. No matter WHAT has happened to me during my day, from being projectile pooped on, to having a crappy day at work (you see what I did there?), when that beautiful little baby girl smiles up at me, everything, and I do mean everything, is okay again.

To know that a little human depends on you for her entire world will change anyone. My diesel mechanic, man's man, death-metal listening husband cries just by looking at her. I cry when I think about her future and all of the dreams I have for her.

I also now understand what my parents (and any parents) felt when I was born and why they drive me nuts with phone calls and check-ins and all of that parent-y stuff. I get it completely. If my daughter ever stops talking to me one day, or throws a teenage tantrum and calls me a bitch for not letting her date so and so, like I often did to my own mom, I will quite literally burst into flames right where I stand and that will be the end of me.

At four months postpartum, I know this is only the beginning. I will face much harder challenges in parenthood and am quite aware that some seasoned parents are reading this story and mocking me somewhere. It's all true and it's all okay. The important part is that I, you, we all understand that motherhood isn't a fairy tale but it can be. It is up to us to embrace the poop, the guilt, the laughs, the tears, and each individual experience to just be present in the chaos.

Because, just when you think you can't take another second, that tiny human smiles up at you or giggles for the first time and you'll forget everything I just mentioned.

-J