Things I Never Knew

My mothers side of the family has always been a bit of a mystery for me, for a lot of reasons. One of the big reasons was divorce, both my parents divorce and my grandparents divorce. And if I'm honest my mother complicated things. She left our family when I was 5, then decided she wanted sympathy and child support so that is easier if you have at least one of your 4 children. I was the easy target being the youngest, a 5 year custody battle ensued that eventually ended in an airport with her saying "I never wanted you anyway". This is the very short version, it is actually what I usually write about, mostly telling some stories for my kids but you are welcome to check them out if you want.

Another way my mom complicated me knowing anything about her side of the family was that she was a liar. It was really the first thing I knew for sure about my mom. I knew this because she lied in front of me all the time. She lied about big things and little things. Stupid things that didn't matter, like when the waitress asked where we were from or what we were up to that day, just making conversation and my mother would sit right there and just lie. I was a kid but I did know where we lived and what we were doing that day. A quick moral to this story, don't lie in front of your kids, they know the truth.

She lied about things that were very important to me. One day I came out of my room and she was in the living room on the phone talking to one of her friends. It was the early 80's so picture lots of gold and brown shag carpet and a phone that was actually on the wall in the kitchen and she had stretched the cord into the living room where she was on the couch with her cigarettes and a coke, her feet up on the little trampoline that was also plush brown velour with a big round pillow top so it looked like a foot stool. She was telling this person that my father was abusive and manipulative and had so tightly controlled the money that she was barely able to feed us kids so she had to make her escape. (side note, if he was really a monster why leave 3 of your 4 kids there?) I was only 8 and maybe didn't know all the details about anything, but I knew that was crap. I went into the kitchen, stewed for a minute listening to her and then I hung up the phone, looked around the corner and told her I was tired of her lying about my dad and walked out into the back yard feeling pretty good about myself. She was right behind me. When I turned around she slapped me in the face and told me it was her house and her phone and she would say anything to her friends she wanted. Notice she never even tried to tell me what she had said was true.

Another thing that kept me from knowing much about my mothers family is that they all died young and I was the youngest of the youngest. Her dad died when I was almost 4. My only genuine memory of him is of an old man in a leather chair smoking cigarettes and laughing. Her mother died when I was 7 or 8. She had breast cancer and most of my memories of her involve her being very sick. She is the reason I hate hospitals. Little kids never think to ask old people the questions they will want to knw the answers to when they are grown up with kids of their own.

My mother came back into my life when I was a married woman with two of my four kids and had been raised up by my dad and my amazing step mother. We had a bit of an indifferent relationship. I knew that usually when she called me it was because someone was there and she was showing off that she had great kids. I was the only one of her kids from her first marriage that even talked to her indifferently. Over the years she did tell me some stories about her parents and my aunt but how can you ever believe anything from the woman who told the waitress we were from another state, complete with a fake accent when you lived in the next town over?

I knew some basics. My grandmother went to college in South Dakota in the late 1920's which is pretty amazing. She was a teacher in one room schools in remote parts of South Dakota. My grandfather was a saddle bum, a rodeo rider and generally a real deal cowboy. I knew they had a small ranch near Quinn South Dakota, only about 40 acres. By South Dakota standards hardly even worth calling a ranch. That was about all I knew for sure.

When my mother was dying I made a trip from the West coast to South Dakota to see if I could help her at all out of a sense of it was the very least I owed her for giving me life which I rather enjoyed having. I wanted to get her out of the horrible nursing home she was dying in, she wouldn't let me. I wanted to get her moved out of the apartment she was paying for and was obviously never going to live in again. She wouldn't let me. I asked her if I could take the family photos home with me for safe keeping, I could always mail them back if she went home. She agreed to that. I took everything that mattered to me and stuff I thought might matter to anyone else in the family.

My mother and her sister died a month apart and had been the most jealous old women I had ever known and my mother had over the years kept things from her that should have been shared. I looked through the pictures and found my aunts wedding pictures. I called my cousin, my aunt had two girls. I asked if they had their parents wedding pictures. They said they had never seen them. Their dad died when they were fairly young. So I sent them and some other pictures and some of our grandmothers jewelry. It was the right thing to do, it should have been done by my mother.

When I got home I was not really in the mood to spend much time going through things. Into a closet it went. Then life happened as it often does. I was diagnosed with cancer, we moved, we started remodeling a house and into storage it all went. We are moving out of our storage and I have been going through stuff. I found a treasure I didn't know I had.

There was a small paper bag of letters. I read one, it was from my grandmother to her mother. I assumed they were probably years worth of letters home and that they would be only one side of any story. I was wrong. They are all from the period of time from about February to about June 1951, and they tell a compelling story from several sides.

Let me set the scene. My grandmother and my aunt have both taken on a term at remote schools. If you are not familiar these schools were usually one room, all grades and teachers took a contract for one term. They would typically stay with a family with kids in the school. Some teachers like my grandmother had a college degree, others like my aunt and Laura Ingalls Wilder had just graduated from high school and taken a test to get a teaching certificate. For my grandmother this was old hat, she would have been teaching over a decade by this point. For my aunt it was apparently her first school.

My great grandmother had apparently just had either a stroke or heart attack, I am not positive that's just the vibe I get from the letters. My grandmother sent practically identical prepaid post cards, which are an interesting bit of history if you are interested look them up, to both her mother and her sister. Before this the only thing I knew about my mother's aunt was that she was born with a birth defect and didn't live to be an old woman. To own letters written by her in her hand is amazing"

On February 19, 1951 my grandmother wrote "Dear Maggie and Mom: I'm sending a card to both places because I don't know where Mom is. I am so glad she came down with you. How is she now? What did the Dr. say this time? Corky (my 8 year old mother) isn't in school today. She said she was sick but I think her main trouble is a Chivaree they had last night for Heavy and Audrie (cousins to my grandmother I think, I only ever met them at my grandmothers funeral). It was mostly the family but quite a crowd any way. They plan a dance later. Write to me so I'll know how and where Mom is. 13 weeks of school left. Tests this week starting today. It looks like a weather change soon now. Write, Love Lill"

My great aunt replied " Dear Lill, Mother is better she doesn't have a headache any more (maybe stroke?). She goes back to the Dr tomorrow to see how her blood pressure is. Iras were over yesterday and Roy was down to see her so it shortened that day quite a bit. Opal is headed for mail box so by (bye) now, I don't work today Maggie"

Every letter to my great grandmother include inquiries about how she is doing, what the doctor is letting her eat, how her blood pressure is doing and admonishing her to be good and take care of herself. The fact that this goes on for months tells me something significant happened. Her letters are full of how she is doing ok and just doing normal things. One entertaining exchange is my great grandmother telling my grandmother that she went fishing with a neighbor and caught 47 suckers an trout. She had canned all the fish and figured at least she would have fish to eat next winter. My grandmother replied that the weather wasn't very good yet and maybe instead of going fishing in bad weather she might be better off buying a can of sardines.

Weather is a big topic of conversation, as expected, complaining about the weather is timeless. They had apparently had a mild winter but were in for a blizzard filled spring. My grandmother got snowed in at the school building at least once that spring. On March 3, 1951 9:00 am she wrote to her mother.

" Dear Mom: Well here we are at the school house and are we lazy. Corky woke up early so we were up before six but we are just laying around now. The snow is so deep that we don't have to worry about company. I have a lot of school work to do and have a good start on it.

"I doubt if the mail can come till after the snow plows go. There is sure a lot of snow. The wind blew all afternoon yesterday, all night and is still blowing. I don't know just when the snowing stopped but it is clear and sunny this morning. The snow is still blowing about. There was nearly too much at 3:00 yesterday for the people to come after their children. George Eisenbrown got stuck in the school yard. It took over a hour to get him out. I am glad it is March instead of January when this storm came. It won't take so long for it to melt off now.

"From the weather report I don't think you have as much snow as we do. We had 9 inches before the last storm came yesterday. I have no idea how much fell this last time, but it is pretty bad.

" I have a lot of chores to do after awhile. I'll get some water from the cistern. Some coal and mail these letters. It will take about ten minutes.

"I want to try to get my school work all done today and tomorrow that can possibly be done so that I'll have time for my own work at home from here on out. I can write up my plans and grade up all my work books, also make up my period tests. The more I can get done here now the less time I have to spend here when the weather gets nice.

"One thing about it here there is lots of coal and we don't have to take any chances at all by being out inn the snow.

"I am so glad the doctor gave you such a favorable report. If you are real careful and don't over do or get tired you'll be husky as ever when summer comes.

"Corky is already getting tired of trying to play her at school. I don't want her to study too much so I won't play school all day.

" She has decided to cook dinner for me (I'm sure she means the noon meal, she would have called the evening meal supper). I'm a little dubious but will let her try it. She is going to fry sausage, cook macaroni and peas.

"She tried to fix Jello with the only box of Jello I had and stumbled and spilled it so I had to stop just now and scrub up the mess. Of course she will buy me a new box of Jello next time she goes to town. Poor kid she acts like she is lost. I can't see why. She has her doll and games and books galore.

"Lyle (my grandfather) got his tractor as far as Creighton. (the tractor plays a big part in many letters. My grandmother indicated to her mother that they had bought it, and he had to make the trip into Rapid City to pick it up, planning that trip was in several letters. My aunt spilled the beans in one of her letters and mentioned that she had actually used her wages to buy the tractor and if her folks didn't get a good crop in she was going to be ticked) He can drive it the rest of the way some time when the snow goes off.

" I think he will ride over here today horseback even though he knows very well that we are fine over here.

"Well I must write Pat (My aunt, her name was Patricia but Pat suited her much better.) a few lines and get bundled up for my outdoors chores. Write often-Love Lill"

This casually mentioning my grandfather is very interesting to me. They divorced about 12 years after this and in my lifetime were completely separate entities never even mentioned in the same sentence. She worries the weather will keep him from getting crops in, frets about him being too cold on the tractor getting the crops in. Its a domestic picture I never even imagined. But her biggest concern was for him catching the mumps. There was an outbreak at both schools, my mother caught it first and then my aunt. Both girls ended up at home with him to care for during the week so my grandma could teach. He had never had the Mumps. There was no arrangement for a substitute teacher, if you missed days you had to make them up at the end of the term which was not great for anyone. Everyone had crops to get in from the teacher to the students, their parents wanted them on the ranch helping, not in school in the spring. My aunts school ended up lasting an extra month because of her sickness.

My grandmother wrote many letters fretting about both girls and her husband. Who hasn't called their mother wondering if the babies fever is too high, or how long to let them cough before you bring them to the doctor. Her mother sent her this very motherly response:

"Dear Lillie, It might be 21 days after Corky is exposed to the Mumps before she takes them. It was with Maggie after you took them and the boys never did take them. If she gets them keep her quiet and I don't think it will be hard on her. It would be harder on Pat if she gets them. I think. I wish I was close enough to help you if she gets sick. It is getting a little cloudy, maybe it is going to storm. Love Mother"

My aunt Pat was one of my favorite people. The best thing to call her was an old broad. She rode barrels in the rodeo (if you don't know what that is look it up on YouTube) then whooped it up at the dance after the rodeo. After her husband died she raised her two girls alone. They were loved and had every thing they ever needed. If they needed her in the evening before 2 am she was just next door tending bar. She was the kind of person that if she told you she wouldn't serve you another drink and leaving was a good idea you just did what she said. She told me great stories about my mom, had a huge smile and gave hugs like she meant it. She was probably the first person I ever heard use a bad word. I never knew she taught school at all. I am now sure why she didn't make it her career.

In the letters they exchanged her mother and grandmother worried about her being homesick and if she was maybe too young. January 2, 1951 her grandmother wrote her mother: "I suppose school starts this morning for both teachers. I shore hope Pat gets along O.K. and likes to teach, but she is pretty young for all that she will have to put up with."

My aunt did not apparently enjoy all that she had to put up with. She told her grandmother that she didn't care if the kids learned anything and she could just flunk them all she was so frustrated. In one letter she said she had given up and the kids were running the school. In her defense how equipped would you have been to be the teacher the January after you graduated? I don't think I would have fared any better than her. In a letter simply dated "Friday" she makes it pretty clear how she feels about the whole situation.

"Dearest Grandma, Darn the weather, it started snowing Thursday afternoon & here it is Friday & its still snowing. So I suppose I'm stuck for a couple of weeks. I walked to school yesterday but almost froze so heck with that noise.

"How have you been feeling? What I wouldn't give to be up there with you right now. Damndest family I ever seen. They about drive you nuts. 10 more weeks of school left (poor aunt Pat she had to tack a month on to that count down) Boy will I be tickled to get out of here. They never talk or joke, just work and go around the house reading & everything. They don't play the radio. I just stand around and gawk, boy if I was up to your place I'd beat you a game of Canasta then I'd turn on the radio full blast then talk on the telephone for hours, boy that would be heaven compared to this dump. Write to me and be good Love Pat"

There are in all probably over 100 post cards and letters. Which says a lot about how our predecessors kept in touch and shared their lives. They are full of the mundane and profound. I am so happy to have been able to read them. My advice is ask the old people in your life lots of questions and really listen to the answers, once they are gone so are the things they can tell you about where you came from.

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