The Yearning of Motherhood

Once again, I was at the same place where I had been before, a couple of times, within the last few days.I was stressed and terrified, unaware of what was awaiting me.

Every visit was very important to me but this one was more significant than the previous ones as, today, I was going to see my baby for the first time during my scan appointment because my hormone levels had already been tested and my blood samples confirmed that I could finally see my baby now.

I was asked to lay down for scan,it was my second scan during my second pregnancy.

In my first scan,they were unable to see the baby as It was very early so they were unable to see anything.

No words can describe my feelings and the agony I was going through.There was a silent flow of tears from my eyes that was describing my state of helplessness.

When the sonographer was performing the scan and trying to figure out things,those few seconds were nerve-wracking for me and felt like hours.

At last,when he did not utter a word.

I asked him, “Can you see the baby”?

“No”, he replied.

He was confused and trying to make a conclusion.He gave it the name of ‘Pregnancy of unknown location’.

He asked me to have a wait and watch approach.

According to him, may be, it would abort itself.

I was devastated as it was the second time I was getting the same bad news.

Two months ago, I suffered the same ordeal when I opted for the medical management of my missed miscarriage, considering it to be safe and close to natural way of miscarrying rather than going for a D&C but that also turned out to be a nightmare as I was rushed to ER due to my deteriorating condition.

Another painful situation was waiting for me in the ER.A procedure was performed by gynaecologist without giving me anaesthesia, after which my condition was stabilised.

Two months had passed since that tragedy occurred and I was very optimistic this time but to my dismay,it had happened again.

Contrary to my expectations, it was even worse this time.As I was making up my mind to acknowledge this bad news and assimilate it.

The sonographer asked me to wait and went out of the room to discuss my case with his senior consultant.

They again performed the scan and were finally able to locate the baby but it was at wrong place.They termed it ‘ Ectopic Pregnancy’.

In the evening, I was immediately admitted into the emergency ward.They were going to give me injection to abort it as it was a life-threatening situation.

The gynaecologists were busy whole night with other patients so they were able to visit me in the morning around 7 o’clock.

I was given all the instructions including the pros/cons of the injection.After that, they brought a consent form which had to be signed by me before they could give me the injection.

After all the paperwork,I was given the shot and was asked to come back after 3 days for a blood sample appointment to observe the effect of the injection on my body.

Those three days were filled with sadness,tension and regret for me that maybe I did something wrong due to which it happened as the percentage was 2-3% out of 100 that an ectopic would happen.

I again visited the hospital on fourth day.My blood sample was taken and the results were to be given next day on call.

Another day and night of stress passed somehow and I received the call from Hospital around 10:40 a.m.

My levels had doubled after the injection and I was again called for the scan next day.

I went for the scan thinking that I will be given second shot as the first one had failed on me.

Again that scanning machine and fearsome surroundings were in front of my eyes after a long wait of my turn in the reception room.

I was asked to lay down for scan.The sonographer and the chaperone started observing things.

Finally,the sonographer spoke and said that there was a heartbeat in the baby now as it was around sixth week of pregnancy.

For the first time in my life,I saw the heartbeat of my baby,there was a white dot flickering on the screen, which showed that it was beating as the dot appeared and vanished constantly.

I was overwhelmed with my motherly feelings.Tear is a very small and insignificant word to describe my feelings at that time.

As I was staring at the screen to see the very special moment of my life.

I was told that there was some internal bleeding as well.

My next question was will he give me another shot now but his answer was a huge shock for me.

He said that there was no use of having another injection as there were some protocols like the failure of 1st dose, the hormone levels above a certain number, the transformation into live ectopic etc.So, they would opt for laparoscopy and salpingectomy will be done to save my life.

They will remove the tube where my baby had attached itself.They were removing both, the baby and the tube, to save my life which I not at all wanted to save after losing both of these things.

A Fallopian tube is the place where fertilisation of egg and sperm occurs and after which an embryo travels into the uterus to implant itself and complete the gestational period.They were removing the tube without having any baby.

I was sobbing and mourning upon hearing all this.The chaperone was being instructed to shift me to emergency ward and inform the staff to prepare me for surgery.

I refused to have the surgery.I wanted some time to figure out things and the available options but he got a bit rude as it was his routine work and he would not waste his energy on every individual patient.

I was urgently shifted to the emergency ward and was told not to eat anything at all.I was constantly crying, pleading everyone not to remove my tube and abort it with some other way.

But they had no other way as all these things are in God’s hands.It was destined for me and they were unable to do anything.

I had a history of migraine already which aggravated in this situation but I was unable to take the medication due to empty stomach.In short,my misery at that time is inexplicable.

The whole day had passed in grief and it was night now,I was feeling cold because of my side window which was a little bit opened and could not be closed due to some pipes going out through it but that was not bothering me much compared to the trauma through which I was going.

Late night, when all the paperwork had been completed, I was called for surgery, my belongings were taken from me and kept in a locker.I was asked to give my husband’s contact number so they could inform him about my condition.

I was taken to operation theatre and the surgeon guided me what will be done during the process.How an incision will be made, a camera will be inserted etc

It was the first surgery of my life.They injected anaesthesia, it was a very strange feeling like someone was forcefully taking my senses and making me unconscious.

The surgery continued for almost one and a half hour.As soon as I became a bit conscious, I touched my belly and the stitches were on the opposite side.

I panicked and although I was not fully conscious I stared asking why my stitches were at this side, the baby was on the other side.I was not told that an incision would be made to the opposite side which I came to know after surgery.

I was shifted to the ward again.Some fluids were being given to me through drips.I was able to speak few words with my husband on call after which I slept as the effect of anaesthesia was still not gone fully.

I woke up next day feeling empty and hollow like I was useless now and there was no purpose of my life.My mother and siblings were calling to reassure me but I felt everybody was lying to me.

I was given food in the afternoon and after few hours I was handed over the discharge form with all the necessary medication that had to be continued for few days.

My husband came in the evening and I was able to go back home.

I felt detached from everything.I was not feeling hungry any time because the sorrow was so deep, the sense of hunger was no more there.

Even when I had to eat something, I thought why should I eat.I had no interest in anything.The only time when my mind was at peace was when I was sleeping.I felt bad after opening my eyes in the morning and it continued for weeks.

After six weeks,I again had the follow up scan which I was reluctant to have but that was also not possible.

I went to the hospital again and saw the building with heavy heart and wet eyes and thought why I came here.I knew these were my feelings because of whatever happened, otherwise, many women would have come to the same hospital and went home happily with their newborns.Maybe for them, this was the best place from where they were able to get the most valuable asset of their life.

The follow up scan was done and everything looked normal now to the sonographer but nothing was normal for me now.

I had bereavement counselling sessions afterwards but I discontinued them after a while because my heart still felt the same when I saw couples going for a walk with their little ones in the pram.

I could feel the bonding and love they had for their child.I thought they were really lucky to have such a blessing.

When I used to drive and saw the cars with stickers or hangings with caption of ‘Baby on board’, I felt very empty.When I heard the noise of children coming from neighbourhood I felt how blessed they were.

I pray from my heart that no women should experience what I experienced.No one!