The Things They Don't Say About Motherhood

Most mothers say Motherhood is a joyous time, like Christmas or Easter.

It can have those moments. It can be pretty brilliant when it does. I adore my two daughters more than anything. But most don't say how mentally draining and downright embarrassing all of this is.

1. What's a toilet break?

They say, "They will grow out of it". Nope, I still can't go to the toilet with my eldest daughter having a full-blown conversation. When it's clearly number two business.

Can I wipe my arse in peace?! Nearly 9 years, I have given up this battle.

2. Arts and crafts are fun activities

My walls are covered in every creative implement possible. No matter how many times I repaint, it will return quicker than the headlice on the kid's head. When you only just got rid of them last week!

Glitter should be confiscated at customs; I'm still finding it after 3 weeks!! Yes, I have sent my kids with a few specks of glitter on their faces to school.

Call me the worse mum of the year but it wouldn't come off. I rather my kids look dazzling than redder than a tomato trying to get that c**p off.

Washable paint, that's the biggest con going since Furby. My walls are still blue and my bedframe from nearly 4 years ago!

Will Crayola pay for a painter and decorator yet?

3. No matter what perfect meal you make. They still want a happy meal.

You could be making the perfect Sunday Roast or their favourite Spaghetti Bolognese with hidden vegetables. From the BBC food website, hoping they would have something more substantial than crisps and chocolate.

Yet at least once a week you will have to hear "Mum, can I have a happy meal?"

No, I don't fancy being on the toilet and being hungry an hour later. But give in, since they didn't want to eat your fancy Spaghetti Bolognese.

4. They will fight all the time.

The fight over the ball, the shoes, the toys, tablets, and even my own makeup brush.

They say, "Buy two of everything". That only works when one is not broken or heavens forbid, run out of charge.

Then you will hear World War Three downstairs. When you only wanted to get a quick bath in since you forgot the last time you shaved. Me time, non-existent. Might as well become bigfoot at this point.

5. They will find everything!

Think you got all your makeup hidden?

Nope, you will come and see yellow setting power on your cream sheets in no time.

Hid that expensive perfume your best mate gave you for your birthday?

Nope, it will be sprayed on an open can of soft drink as a prank. With your mouth burning, wishing to cut off your tongue and using every swear word under the sun.

(Definitely wasn't a pleasant experience with my youngest daughter laughing in her bedroom. Glad she found it funny.)

Think your earbuds are safe?

Nope, it will be hidden for "safekeeping" until you find them 4 months later and bought another pair thinking you lost them.

Got that certain toy you only use at night tucked away?

Nope, they will hide it, nowhere to be found. Then you must show a picture of the said item on your phone since they forgot where it was hidden.

Then the overpriced special vegan-friendly ph-balanced lube spread all over on the bedroom mirror. Just for fun. That's £10 down the drain. I'm sure Lovehoney is making a killing out of me. Can I please have my free delivery back?

(Luckily it wasn't too obvious what it was used for, but it was embarrassing. I promise to pay for their future therapy.)

6. You miss them even when you're having fun.

You finally got an overnight break. Spending quality time with the partner, having a real conversation instead of Teen Titans or Peppa Pig. No fighting or uneaten tea. You get a feeling when eating at your favourite restaurant. You miss them. You have been poked, jumped on, squeezed to death and that's not including the moodiness all week. But somehow in your mind, you still miss them.

That obviously goes when you get back home and 10 minutes later. Thinking, "Thanks motherly hormones. You have conned me once again."