The Struggle Between Sickness and Strength

The Struggle Between Sickness and Strength

My mom’s voice echoes in my head, “ Do you have any questions?” The question itself hangs in the air like a fog following a storm that has yet to settle. Do I have any questions, she asks? I appreciate her concern, but what about her? Is she okay? Is she going to be okay? Is she scared? Is she asking the vary question no one has the answer to? -- Is she going to live? My mom has been through so many things, her battles linger in my head like a war cry as she announces the next battle to come -- the ultimate battle: The one against cancer. The sword of this battle is set in my shaking hands, her presence weighs on my shoulders. There is no greater obstacle in life than learning how to overcome something you cannot control. This is the obstacle that will make every other struggle seem unimportant.

From the time we are children there are stories, situations, and scenarios set in front of us, giving us the tools to navigate other possibilities and directions for which life can take us. We take for granted that our parents are well, feeling sympathy for those who have parents that are not. We are living in a world covered in bubble wrap, a false reality giving us the idea that we are invincible; nothing can touch us or anything we love. However it's when the bubble wrap comes undone, and that the hard realities come knocking on our door, we realize we are not invincible, in fact, we never were. I have had my fair share of knocks in life like anyone else, I have overcome many obstacles, many of which I thought would be the largest I would ever face. Little did I know there was a whole whirlwind of hardship, trials, and growth that would pick up my life and put me down somewhere else. Cancer was like the tornado, the wicked witch, and the flying monkeys, in my quest to Oz.

In January of 2019, my mom became exceedingly ill. She had always struggled with being healthy, however, this was something new. The doctors came up empty-handed time and time again, finding nothing to be inherently wrong. It's like having a fire set right in front of you and saying you have no idea where the smoke could be coming from. Except the cancer was the fire that had been growing for ten years, and the smoke was billowing out in waves, bringing fatigue, pain, and sickness that told me it was bigger than just kidney stones, or an average stomach sickness. Finally, in mid-February her smoke signals were seen, her burning acknowledged, her flame felt. While this brought a second of relief through acknowledgment, however it was followed by extreme fear; laying the yellow brick road for a treacherous journey ahead.

I didn’t cry at first, my brother didn't cry at all, and my dad had spent his time in the shadows crying on and off for weeks, meanwhile, my mom looked forward with peace. Whatever was to come for my mother, the warrior woman inside her was ready, meanwhile, all my strength had fled, nowhere to be seen. I didn't want her to see me cry. She had her head held high with enough to worry about. I was not going to be another thing on the list of worries and never did I want to be the reason she looked down. She had been strong for me for 16 years, now it was my turn.

Tumor extraction day was coming quickly, while my ability to hold a strong face dwindled, I made small screams of panic between each breath, and tears fell between each moment of distraction. Unknown to me this surgery would be the hardest part of the whole thing.

The surgery was a success. She came out okay-- she was going to be okay. I grew as a person more in the 9 days between receiving the news and her leaving the hospital than any growth made in 2 whole years of my life. This was not the end, but only the beginning. My mom has been the glue, every part of my life, my brother's life, and my dad's life, all held together by her, and now it was time for us to learn to be our own glue.

In those 9 days between getting the news and her coming home from the hospital, I saw my dad cry more than I had in the last 16 years. I saw a man humbled by true pain and fear. I saw a man standing by the side of his wife that was fighting for her life, and kids that were doing everything they could to hold on to the life they have always known. My dad has always been my biggest protector, the person that I looked up to most and admired, it was in those 9 days that he became my equal, my Alli, as well as my support system, it was in those 9 days that I became more than just his child he had raised but now, this was the first set of results to show for his hard work and guidance.

My mother, however, in the last 7 months has shown me a side of her I don't think either of us knew was there. I have watched my mom cry out in pain and frustration, I have watched her go into surgery with no fear in her eyes, I have watched her work through chemotherapy, moving towards recovery with strength. I saw her grow into a woman that has been through hell and back, coming out with her head held high and a sword in her hands. This sickness took in a woman that saw herself as less than, weak, useless, who was constantly reevaluating her purpose in living, it has created a warrior woman with strength in her heart and worth in her head, that is not backing down. This is what made me see my mother as the true fighter that she is. The strong woman that I doubted, she showed me the kind of strength I want to have one day.

I have been through a lot of growth, fear, pain, pressure, and struggle in the last 6 months. I have learned how to care for other people, how to be stronger, how to push through what hurts and work through what's hard because life must go on. The responsibility set on me through this struggle provided the largest obstacle, yet I have overcome the fear and doubt that I had about my ability to take on every task put on me. Here I am.

Many people would do anything to avoid going through something like this with anyone they love, but I wouldn't take back a thing. I think back to my mother asking me, “Do I have any questions?”-- then I did, in fact, I had 101 questions just off the top of my head, but now I have no question on what is in store for my family and I. We are one month away from finishing this chapter and are headed for recovery and further growth. I could not be more excited; The last hurdle is in front of me and I am ready to clear it. My mom taught me that sometimes life puts us through hard things so that we can be a better person, and when we look back we can see all of our progress. I look back and see how far I have come from this, seeing and the lessons I have learned and how they are going to send me far in life one day: it will have all been worth every second.